The Tyranny of Unintended Consequences
by MinaBR
Summary: Two boys irrevocably changed by a simple touch of their hands. The year is 1799, the confining rules of regency morality would never accept their growing affection. But it's undeniable, all encompassing and they can't walk away. Throughout the next thirty years of their lives, they yearn for each other-sometimes together, sometimes apart, but never out of each other's minds.
1. Chapter 1

**SM owns Twilight. I'm just twisting her characters.**

* * *

><p>To the observer nothing seems out of place. There is music, merriment, dancing, flirting.<p>

The untrained eye wouldn't spot the blond man standing outside the French doors, bathed in seasoned _ennui_.

His back to the ballroom, he seems to look for something. Anything.

Finding nothing, he moves back towards the crowd. "Might as well mingle", he thinks.

Suddenly, a cacophony of blinding color,sound, taste.

His weary lips form the one word he never thought to pronounce again...

_Edward_...


	2. Chapter 2

_Edward..._

Ten years ago the blond man would have approached the copper haired dandy.

Ten years ago they would have talked, laughed and acted like the best of friends.

They would have been inseparable.

But in the dark recesses of the constricting regency morality, they would have been more.

They would have been passionate lovers.

Entwined bodies. Heated skin. Perspiring desire.

And after the sublime act of lovemaking, caresses would have been exchanged, loving words, whispered secrets.

_I miss you_...


	3. Chapter 3

_I miss you..._

The blond man's mind wanders. Takes him back. Back to his boyhood.

Before the very core of the man he is now was forged.

To a time when everything he need to know could be learned from his tutors.

A boy denied his youth—carved into a little Lord to be; perfectly trained to suit his station.

Showered with praises.

Perfect.

Until a midsummer afternoon when fate crossed his path in the form of his father's best friend's son.

_You smiled..._


	4. Chapter 4

_You smiled..._

The copper haired boy was formally introduced to the blond haired one.

They exchanged titles. They exchanged names. Jasper. Edward.

All within the boundaries of propriety.

Even then, the underlying tension of simmering expectations bathed the meeting in undertones of unnamed yearnings.

Cloaked by the unwavering innocence only ignorance can afford, they planted the seeds of their futures.

First, they talked.

Second, they smiled at each other.

Then, Edward took hold of Jasper's hand.

_Your hand was so small..._


	5. Chapter 5

_Your hand was so small..._

Two boys holding hands would have been frowned upon.

If anyone had seen.

Shrouded by the forest the boys ran, never letting go of each other's hands.

And for the first time in his life, the blond haired boy known as Jasper tasted freedom—of propriety, of morality, of sin.

They stood outside the realm of the all forbidding God, society, adults.

By the lake, surrounded by flowers they created something. A place of their own.

There, their souls sang to each other.

Sooner than they anticipated it was time to return.

_I wanted to stay with you forever_...


	6. Chapter 6

_I wanted to stay with you forever..._

Where the woods met the garden the boys disconnected their hands.

It was not something they planned. It simply was—like so many things would be between them.

They simply knew.

The frail copper haired boy, Edward, had to say his goodbyes to the one he never wanted to leave behind.

Looking over his shoulder, directly into the eyes of the desolate boy watching his departure, Edward made a silent promise.

One he would always keep. Even when it took him some time to fulfill it.

_Your beautiful green eyes gleamed with determination..._


	7. Chapter 7

_Your beautiful green eyes gleamed with determination..._

His tender age prevented him from entirely grasping the concept, but a foreboding sense of many impending departures took hold of his heart.

Heavy with grief, Jasper experienced, for the first time, a surge of raw violence.

From the unexplored core of his young soul something was fighting to crawl out to the surface. He was tense, restless, irritable.

He needed an outlet something to sooth this burning soul; this thing he could not name yet.

His body felt different. Tight. Preparing itself for something.

Jasper wanted. What, he wasn't sure.

_The memory of you was exquisite agony..._


	8. Chapter 8

_The memory of you was exquisite agony..._

Too young to have been instructed on the ways of carnal pleasures, Jasper was astonished by his body's reactions.

Where once there was only softness, aching hardness claimed liberty.

His hand, the hand that not long ago embraced a gift of destiny and doom, tingled, trying to reach for an unknown, much coveted something.

The ancient instinct to satisfy unmet desires was strong, even inside a little Lord to be.

That's how his flesh discovered the pleasure of his own hand. Frantic. Awkward. Fast. Liberating.

And in the pinnacle of his lustful dance, where everything was forgotten, but the truth of his own need, only one name escaped his lips.

_When your touch branded my skin I discovered desire_...


	9. Chapter 9

_When your touch branded my skin I discovered desire_...

The messy aftermath of Jasper's exhausted body heightened the swirling emotions gripping his confused mind.

Sheltered since infancy, he wasn't sure if there were words for the way his body behaved; for the act of touching himself while yearning for the hands of another boy.

For some unfathomable reason shame seemed to be in the forefront of his mind. A sense of wrongness so deep that eclipsed the perfection of the time spent in the forest ... Of the deep satisfaction his flesh had experienced.

Unbidden tears clouded his sight. A roar of pain too deep for his few years filled the space of his bedchamber—an echo of pains yet to be felt.

Answers, that's what he needed. And there were none to be had inside the confining spaces he was currently occupying.

Only one person held the knowledge he needed, he was sure of it.

And seek his sage advice he would. Like he had been doing his entire life.

_I ached for the comfort of your arms_...


	10. Chapter 10

_I ached for the comfort of your arms_...

Sitting near the edge of a cliff, the tutor silently heard Jasper's narrative. Though as disjointed as the workings of his feverish mind, Jasper's words were enough for the tutor for he was well acquainted with the boy's anguish. The tutor's translucent blue eyes shone with compassion and misery. For himself. For the boy.

Not for the first time the tutor craved an easy answer for an impossible dilemma. How to be true to your own nature and protect yourself against the repercussions of breaking the heterosexual paradigm. There was no solution he could present to the boy.

So, the tutor offered the next best thing—the truth. Eyes on the ocean, he spoke of body functions, of desire, of sexual orientations, of laws, of religious doctrines. Nothing was hidden, no facts withheld.

And his heart broke for the boy, for he could see the narrow path between expectations and one's true desires Jasper would have to trail.

_I blamed you for making me different _...


	11. Chapter 11

_I blamed you for making me different_...

Filled with rage, denial, confusion and despair, the boy quietly stood and walked away from the tutor. At some point it started to rain. And then he was running. Supported by the vain hope that physical distance could erase the knowledge he had just acquired.

Somehow he found himself by the lake where not so long ago he held Edward's beautiful, fragile, dear hand. A torrent of emotions compressed his chest. Breathing hard. Rigid body. Clenched hands. He fell to the ground. Cried. Screamed. Whimpered.

Suddenly, just silence. Numbness. But like a phoenix, he rose from the ashes of his encounter with fate. Being governed by baser needs was a trace of society's lower classes, not shared by the aristocracy. And he was not just an aristocrat, he was a peer.

The haughty little Lord that greeted the tutor the next day bore little resemblance with the tormented little boy of the day before.

_I was determined to fight it _...


	12. Chapter 12

_I was determined to fight it_...

In the wake of his epiphany the little Lord built walls around his inner self. Walls so high not even he seemed able to spy beyond. Once again he became a paragon.

However there were sagacious eyes that knew better. Deep blue eyes brimming with understanding. Of what he was trying to achieve. Of the futility of his efforts.

So his dismissal came as no surprise. The tutor accepted the news with a bittersweet smile upon his face.

Being of the right age the little Lord left the only home he had ever known. Going away to school he reflected on the possibilities of the new life ahead.

_I kept you out of my conscious mind..._


	13. Chapter 13

_I kept you out of my conscious mind_...

Amongst the etonians the little Lord flourished into the make believe little man he intended to be. A farce performed to such degree of perfection that even the little Lord forgot about everything that lay beyond the high walls his former self had to build.

In the safe haven of forced ignorance, the little Lord reacquired a sense of normalcy and purpose. His days were full of activity both physical and intellectual. Once again going through the motions. Living up to expectations. Setting an example.

His nights were early due to the fatigue of his busy days. Sleep was fast and deep. But never dreamless. Dreams of forests and touches, water and turmoil, running and stopping. He could never really comprehend what his subconscious seemed adamant to tell.

The little Lord would wake up weary and forlorn. Every morning he would go to the Chapel and pray to a God that no longer loved him for a grace that would never be achieved. For as mighty as his will was there could never be a escape from the memory of the smiling little boy sitting by the lake.

_You were always there, lurking in the shadows..._


	14. Chapter 14

_You were always there, lurking in the shadows_...

Excelling in every single task he was presented, for two years the little Lord kept the shadows at bay. Little did he know that the day he turned fifteen fate would once again intercede changing his path.

In commemoration for his birthday, the little Lord's friends arranged for a night in the city. The activities involved in such party were a mystery to the little Lord. Forever longing for sleep he always declined the other youth's invitations.

Had he known that a bawdy house would be their final stop, he would never have agreed to it. But now it was of little consequence. They said it was time to become a man. They said she was the best. They threw him into her room and locked the door.

Taking a deep breath he turned and looked at the woman. Alice.

_I felt lonely and scared facing the abysm of the unknown..._


	15. Chapter 15

_I felt lonely and scared facing the abysm of the unknown_...

There was no beauty in Alice's body or face. But her eyes gleamed with wisdom and kindness, for she had seen too much of everything. In the face of the scared little boy trying so hard to hide behind a facade of haughtiness, her heart overflowed with compassion and her mind with understanding.

Not for the first time she invited a boy to sit and talk instead of initiating him in the art of carnal pleasures. For she saw his eyes and read his heart. Looking beyond the present she saw the course of his life. And the boy deserved a reprieve from the trials that lay ahead.

So she told him of the different acts of carnal lust. Between man and woman. Woman and Woman. Man and Man. She knew he would need the information sooner than he could possibly conceive.

Come morning they separated after a tender embrace of body and soul.

_My body was burning with remembered fire..._


	16. Chapter 16

_My body was burning with remembered fire..._

Acting skills sharpened by two years of constant denial, the little Lord was proud of his new status as a man. The others laughed and jested, merry in the knowledge of the little Lord's manly prowess.

Outward everything was as it should be. But inside his walls were crumbling and there was no containing the flood of emotions. His exhausted body sank in sleep till that afternoon. Waking up with renewed resolve he decided to attach no deeper meaning to the prior night. He would go on just like before. Dragging himself from the bed he made to the patio.

Admission day. New students. Strange faces. Walking around, the shattered little Lord politely introduced himself. Talked and guided. The perfect host.

In the midst of playing his little charade, something caught his attention. A flash of red hair and green eyes. A boy taller than he remembered. But a face he could never forget.

_Once again your sweet face blinded my eyes..._


	17. Chapter 17

_Once again your sweet face blinded my eyes..._

The lively copper haired boy enchanted all in his vicinity. Charming in his thirteen year old enthusiasm he was a magnet to people of all ages and social standards.

An accomplished conversionalist he held the complete attention of his eager audience. His melodic voice had an underlying sensual appeal that coupled with his bright words created a singular spell to which no one was immune.

The fact that the boy was completely unaware of his own delights only added to his allure, making him undeniably irresistible.

All the attention he was garnering, even though received with gratitude, presented an unexpected delay. There was one person he wanted to find. Needed to find.

Across the patio, in the farthest point from where he stood an unmoving figure caught his attention. Looking into his eyes were the chocolate brown ones that clouded his fantasies.

_And your eyes unlocked the doors I firmly held closed..._


	18. Chapter 18

_And your eyes unlocked the doors I firmly held closed..._

The copper haired boy excused himself from his listeners and walked towards the blond haired one. His feline movements suggested a predator stalking his prey. And what a willingly prey the blond haired boy was.

No more than a couple of minutes had passed when the copper haired boy reached the blond haired one. Nevertheless, a multitude of emotions, thoughts, possibilities and decisions overwhelmed the blond haired boy. In his mind many scenarios took place.

He could turn his back to the copper haired boy. Never acknowledge their previous encounter. Forever severe the connection.

He could welcome the copper haired boy, try to be his friend. But no more than that. Be the way boys are supposed to be.

He could haughtily greet the boy and walk away. They would never be more than mere acquaintances.

After all this time, faced with the inner self he tried so hard to suppress, he accepted that there was no walking away from Edward. And that simple truth was the stone in which he built his resolve. No more turmoil, denial. He would just accept what his soul knew all along. And then for the first time in two years he felt serene.

_I buried who I thought I was and became just Jasper..._


	19. Chapter 19

_I buried who I thought I was and became just Jasper..._

They stood before each other. Bodies thrumming with barely concealed cravings. Hearts bursting with undeniable affection. Minds swirling in a sea of unanswered questions.

Bounded by the strictures of a grim society the boys withheld the contact their bodies seemed to demand. Self-possessed, Jasper simply bowed and formally welcomed the copper haired boy. Lord Masen returned the stiff greeting with a secretive half smile.

Never breaking eye contact, they engaged in a wordless conversation. Speaking of love and acceptance, of longing and satisfaction. Rejoicing in the newfound sense of completeness. For their souls shared an ethereal bond that even physical distance could not break.

Synchronic movements, they turned towards the gates, leaving behind a pair of suspicious blue eyes that understood what was not said.

_Words were unnecessary before the sight of you..._


	20. Chapter 20

_Words were unnecessary before the sight of you..._

Far from the scrutiny of the schoolyard's crowd their hands brushed time and again. Descending further into the gardens, walking a flowery path, Lord Masen took a leap of faith and laced his fingers through the trembling ones of the boy next to him.

The feel of Lord Masen's hand sparked the same genteel emotions it once had. Nevertheless, innocent joy was not Jasper's dominant emotion. Lurid images of unclear forbidden pleasures swam in his feverish mind. Fierce arousal punished his unclaimed body.

Trembling in need, Jasper tightened the hold on the subject of his desire. An action that caused Lord Masen's eyes to twinkle in satisfaction, for the reason that he always wondered about the other boy's sentiments.

Now standing on a charming little bridge over a placid body of water, Lord Masen held his breath. Carefully turning to the angelic blond haired boy, he delicately raised his hand and touched his beloved's face. Taking a step closer he breathed Jasper's name and looked into his eyes. Asking for permission. Encouragement.

_You took the lead and showed me sweetness..._


	21. Chapter 21

_You took the lead and showed me sweetness... _

Soft lips tentatively brushed inexperienced trembling ones. The light caress vanquished Jasper's restrain, and instinct took over beckoning him to take one step closer. To run his fingers through copper colored tresses. To embrace a shoulder that stood taller than his own.

A tong steady and exploratory gently caressed a more hesitant one. They performed an ancient dance. A prelude for less innocent delights. Exploding in a cacophony of sounds and images, touches and tastes their bodies tangled in a contorted sculpture of young love and lust, the two boys lost themselves to sensation.

Before long there were moans and sighs, whispers and smiles. A tight embrace to hold together two boys that should never have been apart.

_Within your embrace I found my place in this world..._


	22. Chapter 22

_Within your embrace I found my place in this world..._

Notwithstanding the bodily urge for intimacy the boys disengaged and simply held hands. Their wants surpassed the corporeal sphere, so they whispered secrets and facts, of life and dreams.

Time faded into nothing for they were ancient lovers discovering the wonder of being reunited. The boys drifted into a place beyond anyone else's reach, where only the truth of their minds really mattered.

However, when the darkened sky penetrated their fogged minds, the boys knew it was time to leave the shelter of the secluded bridge, the only spectator to the afternoon that sealed their bound of entwined souls, minds and bodies.

Walking the same path that brought a sweet interlude, the boys marched towards a bitter reality. And their hands separated before the same flowers that not so long ago had witnessed their union.

_Disengaging our hands was letting go of my heart ..._


	23. Chapter 23

_Disengaging our hands was letting go of my heart ..._

Re-entering the unavoidable reality, the boys masterfully performed their chosen personas. Well liked by colleagues and tutors, the pair became the very image of young peerage perfection.

Lord Masen's bright unconventional mind coupled with his charisma enchanted the tutors and bewitched the other boys. In no time his popularity had risen to a legendary plateau. Always chased by a fluster of eager would-be-friends.

On the other hand, Jasper's academically inclined mind inspired respect and admiration. Forever appointed as an example to be followed, his advice was sought after in any serious matter.

Nevertheless, in the dead of the night, when Lord Masen would creep into Jasper's room, their day personas were abandoned. And lost into their idyllic refuge the boys indulged their starved selves.

_Only our surreptitious encounters allowed me to breathe again..._


	24. Chapter 24

_Only our surreptitious encounters allowed me to breathe again..._

It wasn't without a healthy dose of trepidation that Lord Masen made his way into Jasper's room. Shrouded by darkness, he lay next to a sleeping blond haired boy, gently fondling his dainty face.

Jasper slowly rose from sleep, first perceiving the conspicuous scent that signalled Lord Masen's presence. Waking up to a dream, Jasper trapped Lord Masen's hand with his own. Inching closer his lips drew a delicate line from brow to chin, lightly licking cherry colored lips, driving Lord Masen to growl in dismay.

Pleased with the reaction he had elicited, Jasper finally conceded and fully kissed the copper haired boy. Caught in the raving desire consuming their flesh, the boys moulded their bodies and sighed in relief.

At that moment a plea poured out of Lord Masen's heart. He begged the blond haired boy to call him by his Christian name.

_That night you said you would always be Edward to me..._


	25. Chapter 25

_That night you said you would always be Edward to me..._

Fluttering in ecstasy, Edward could not help his body's enthusiastic response. Tightening his arms he brought Jasper nearer and his leg encircled the other boy's hip, aligning their frames with precise expertise.

Shuddering, Jasper moaned into their kiss lowering his hand to the other boy's chest. Even through the thick cloth he could feel the beat of Edward's heart. The warmth of his pale skin. Hesitantly he circled a hard nipple.

At Edward's cry of delight, Jasper's most intimate part, the one he dared not name, not even within the confines of his own mind, brushed the other boy's counterpart. For a moment he allowed his carnal desires to overrule his mind's requests.

With that moment's unavoidable demise, the natural apprehensions of an inexperienced young boy made his hand push the other boy's chest.

_It was pleasure tainted with fear..._


	26. Chapter 26

_It was pleasure tainted with fear..._

Jasper's sensibilities were lost on Edward, for he had no qualms about their developing physicality. That was the reason for the mistaken assumption that Jasper's sudden distance was an invitation for another type of contact.

So Edward allowed his hands to wander the other boy's body. Arms and back. Legs and thighs. Lips touching neck. Licking. Sucking. Descending to the collarbones. Leaving little bite marks on Jasper's skin.

Jasper lay unmoving merely the receiving end of Edward's attentions. Trapped by clashing emotions of restrain and desire, doubt and certainty, only when the other boy's hands hovered over the part of his anatomy craving Edward the most was he able to become responsive once again. And the word that left his lips was the other boy's worst nightmare.

_It was desire tampered by reason..._


	27. Chapter 27

_It was desire tampered by reason..._

For a second, Edward's shock by the other boy's denial left his mind incapable of comprehending the entire scope of his rejection. Taken by numbness for sometime he just remained frozen.

Sensing the other boy's hurt and confusion Jasper touched his face and tried to put into words the turmoil of his soul. Explaining his wants and trepidation, he shamefully admitted his own newness in the realm of relationships.

Appeased by Jasper's outburst Edward smiled and kissed, calming the other boy's emotional storm. Quietly and rationally, together they outlined the boundaries of their physical explorations.

Stunned by the other boy's show of maturity, Jasper enquired the reason behind his assuredness. The answer would forever remain a sour spot into his heart.

_You have always been wise beyond your years..._


	28. Chapter 28

_You have always been wise beyond your years..._

Trapped inside a repetitive hell of images unseen, Jasper's eyes were blind to the reality unfolding outside of his mind. Wounded and scared he retreated to an unreachable place of his psyche, closed to any kind of scrutiny, even his own.

Materializing his emotional distress, the blond haired boy writhed in psychosomatic pain. A scalding fever took hold of him, punishing Jasper's weary body with the unbearable knowledge his soul could not forget.

Consumed by inferior emotions that impaired his ever brilliant intellect, Jasper allowed himself to drift away into unconsciousness. Living in an ivory tower built in escapism, his only anchor, Edward's sobbed words of love and possession, pleading Jasper's return to the world of the living.

_There was no sanctuary from the sound of your voice..._


	29. Chapter 29

_There was no sanctuary from the sound of your voice..._

Following his would-be-demise, Jasper set himself apart from the other boys. Screened by a cloak of self-imposed distance, his shattered heart, little by little, stopped bleeding. Nevertheless, his wounded male pride could not reconcile with Edward's revelations.

Ferociously jealous of an unnamed stable boy, Jasper's inner self roared with indignation, for most of his beloved's firsts had already been claimed. He could not conceive touching another human being but Edward thought nothing of having trysts with a servant.

Inevitably, he started to doubt the other boy's feelings, no longer secure of their connection. Not even Edward's longing glances could convince him to breach the distance. That's why he accepted the comfort of a blue eyed boy.

_It was retribution at its lowest form..._


	30. Chapter 30

_It was retribution at its lowest form..._

The last room of a deserted gallery was the scenario for Jasper's childish vengeance, denying Edward the same firsts the copper haired boy had given to another. Except for his first kiss, that would forever be Edward's.

Jasper was a cornered injured animal obeying the dictates of nature, thus he became the aggressor. Kissing and nibbling, he teased the blue eyed boy's senses. His hesitant hands tried to caress, but they could only push their bodies apart. Undaunted by Jasper's refusal, the other boy pursued only his own pleasure.

Overwhelmed by sorrow and shame, Jasper found himself lying on his stomach, a stronger body covering his own, a bruising pressure on his bottom. Panicked by James' obvious intent he helplessly sobbed Edward's name.

_Foolishly hurting myself by trying to hurt you..._


	31. Chapter 31

_Foolishly hurting myself by trying to hurt you... _

It came as no surprise to Headmaster Heath the young boy's account of disturbance. The sexual practices of the young lordlings was a fact well known by faculty. Usually, turning the other way was the preferred policy, unless there was an unwillingly participant.

Interrupting the grotesque scene, he discreetly handled the matter. Lord Hunter was politely invited to leave the school premises and Lord Whitlock was sent to his room with the guarantee that nobody would ever hear about that unfortunate incident.

Pleased by the outcome of the potentially damaging crisis, he felt a twinge of sorrow for Lord Whitlock. As he well knew, Lord Whitlock's soul would forever carry the scar of the assault.

_I needed your strength to hold myself together..._


	32. Chapter 32

_I needed your strength to hold myself together... _

Overwhelmed by grief, Jasper left the den of his iniquity, searching for the only place he longed to be. In the safety of Edward's arms, he howled in pain for he alone had compromised the purity of their love.

Lifted the veil of pride, the bitter sense of betrayal Jasper had felt proved banal in the face of the love they shared. Silent tears streaming down his face, he confessed all his thoughts and acts. Asking for understanding if not absolution.

Edward fell to his knees, for there were no words to express the amount of his sorrow or the size of his terror. For the sake of satisfying his misplaced lust, he almost sacrificed the most sacred gift he would ever receive. And for that there was no forgiveness.

_Two repentant boys soothing each other's hurts..._


	33. Chapter 33

_Two repentant boys soothing each other's hurts..._

The copper haired boy wrapped himself around his beloved's body, lending him the healing warmth of a loving touch. Grounded by the other boy's gentle support, Jasper's silent tears of sorrow washed away all the impure feelings from his aching heart. Liberated from jealousy and hurt, self-pity and anger, he rose from his brush with tragedy with a newfound appreciation for Edward's love.

Unfeasible outcomes for unmade choices anguished Edward's distraught mind, for his choices had led them here, to this sea of pain and regret. Sensing the other boy's need for comfort, Jasper turned around and sweetly kissed away Edward's regret. Jasper offered no forgiveness, for none was needed. Silently, Edward allowed the past to fade so that the future could shine.

Mending their broken hearts and binding their frazzled souls, the boys could once again smile.

_Paradise seemed attainable..._


	34. Chapter 34

_Paradise seemed attainable..._

Inseparable best friends by day, the boys discrepant age posed no obstacle to their constant companionship. Nor did it cause strangeness, for it was only natural that the heirs to the most important titles in the country would forge an alliance.

However, in the nights, they were ardent lovers, dedicated students of the sensual arts, eagerly learning each other's shapes until no bashfulness remained. And one night, past the point of no return, they impatiently uncovered their excited bodies.

Apprehending each other's figure, they simply stood, marvelling in the perfection of the other's skin, basking in the view of aroused flesh. Tentatively Jasper took Edward's lips into a gentle kiss, unhurriedly caressing his tongue the way he longed to caress the copper haired boy's body.

Touching Edward's chest, for the first time Jasper voiced the unspoken simmering sentiment that filled their hearts.

_Like a prayer, I told you of my love..._


	35. Chapter 35

_Like a prayer, I told you of my love..._

Redoubling his efforts, Edward tried to demonstrate what his vanished words could not express. Swollen members touched and an impatient hand stroked. The boys' most sensitive part wept in pleasure, finally exploding in a mosaic of unintelligible delight.

Swimming in a sea of unmitigated bliss, lying together in the content aftermath of their embrace, whispering sweet nothings and unguarded emotions, they lay in a tangle of legs and arms, until sleep allowed their consciousness to fade into the unrestricting world of the dreaming.

In the realm of dreams, freed from all constraints, their love could flourish and grow, lasting a lifetime and beyond. But with the first lights of a new day, reality intruded and Edward mournfully kissed Jasper's forehead before returning to his own room.

_Stolen pieces of an idyllic existence..._


	36. Chapter 36

_Stolen pieces of an idyllic existence..._

Defying the elements and the possibilities, subverting nature's order, two tiny blue flowers broke through the monochromatic landscape. The dark cold winter brought the white pristine snow, but just like the valiant bluebells Jasper refused to succumb to outside influences.

So he flourished under the warmth of Edward's affection despite the unbending rules of a critical world. Not even the occasional hypocritical glare of a half-suspicious colleague could dim the lightness of his heart.

For those same glaring faces so prone to harshly condemn a loving relationship, would engage in lewd acts of lust, taking of the poor first years, known as fags. Trapped in tense silence no accusations were ever exchanged, but Edward and Jasper existed in a sphere of their own, self-sufficient in their love, until the fatidic day Jasper learned of Edward's plight.

_Two courageous youths grasping love with all their might..._


	37. Chapter 37

_Two courageous youths grasping love with all their might..._

It was Eton's long leave. Eight days out of school, six days to spend at his ancestral country home. But this time Jasper was not going alone, so he brightly smiled to the boy sitting across from him.

After enduring a formal welcoming and polite uninterested questions the boys were left to their own devices. So the parents never suspected the boy's real activities that hot summer afternoon.

Swimming naked on the cool lake, the playful intimacy they shared could not be mistaken for mere friendship. They teased and laughed, kissed and cuddled, simply took the time to be young and in love for that time was bound to come to an abrupt halt.

Cushioned by the tall grass Jasper gazed at Edward's unclothed body and could not help but evoke a nostalgic sense of loss. Lying on his stomach Edward's mind was not far behind, imagining a time when responsibilities would take the place of his hearts true desires.

_Missing what was still mine..._


	38. Chapter 38

_Missing what was still mine..._

Melancholic they silently sat beside each other, lost on their own conjectures, picturing what dire future would be theirs to live. As usual, Edward was the first to break through the mist of uncertainties.

A promise was made, not an unspoken one but one rich in details. And they were the sweetest balm to Jasper's distressed heart. Not a promise to never be apart but a very realistic one, a promise to always come back to each other.

A promise to defy social standards and ignore their responsibilities to titles they would happily forfeit. They could never live openly as a couple but they could opt to never marry, never stray, never wield to the pressure of producing heirs.

They would live as bachelors, as rakes, as any title society deemed acceptable, any role that would cover the true nature of their relationship.

_We said our vows of eternal love..._


	39. Chapter 39

_We said our vows of eternal love..._

Ignoring the servants disapproving glances, secure in his parents' benign negligence, Jasper indulged Edward's fantasy of sharing close quarters. Every night, for the duration of their stay, Jasper made his way to the other boy's room and there spent the night.

It was a haven of love and trust allowing Jasper release from his past experience. And on the last day of their long leave, overcome with desire Jasper trailed kisses along Edward's chest. Playing with a taut nipple, he sucked and nibbled, driving Edward to demented lust.

Kneeling on the floor he licked and kissed Edward's abdomen, dipping his tongue on his bellybutton, eliciting a moan of unrestrained delight. Embracing the other boy's thigh Jasper completed his path towards his beloved's aching desire.

_My only wish, to satisfy your desire..._


	40. Chapter 40

_My only wish, to satisfy your desire..._

The first unexpected touch of Jasper's mouth bedazzled Edward's senses, sending his adolescent body into spiraling, exploding completion. Ashamed of his lack of control, he feared Jasper's reaction. But the other boy's grin of self-satisfaction reassured him.

A devilish glint in his eyes announced that it was time for sweet, sensual retribution. Setting to his task, Edward's brand of teasing led Jasper to tears of frustration and whines of dissatisfaction.

His desire reached unprecedented levels when Edward's tongue slipped from his scrotum and explored the hole that lay beneath. Trembling in want Jasper pleaded and begged, wanton in his desperation.

And when Edward's finger penetrated his body, at the same time the copper haired boy's mouth closed around his member, Jasper lost himself to white blazing oblivion, a satisfied male who had branded his mate.

_A part of me forever living in you..._


	41. Chapter 41

_A part of me forever living in you..._

Mrs. Hale had been a dame in one of Eton's most preeminent houses for over ten years. That time allowed her once soft core to harden into stone. The spawn of aristocracy remained unpunished even from the darkest crimes.

Her only concern was the safety of the staff. Mainly the poor, defenseless maids given that more than one had been dismissed without reference after being impregnated by one of the lordlings.

The torments the boys inflicted in each other were none of her concern because of the vicious circle inevitably determining that the bullied became the bully. But even her cynical heart sympathized with the plea of the copper haired boy hiding in her lining closet.

_I feared for you and me..._


	42. Chapter 42

_I feared for you and me..._

Being a fag Edward was expected to perform minion's tasks and for some boys that included sexual favors. Jasper had been spared from that reality, since his cousin was the House Captain of Games. But Edward had no one's protection, not even Jasper's, since he could not bring himself to talk about such practices with his scarred lover.

Being bigger than most helped keeping sexual advances at bay but some were more insistent than others, resorting to physical coercion. Every brawl ended with Edward as the last one standing. Self-defense was always his excuse when summoned before the house master.

But when a horde of angry older boys chased him down the corridors, he knew he had to hide. And that's how he found himself at the mercy of Mrs. Hale.

_Even though fearless you were not stupid..._


	43. Chapter 43

_Even though fearless you were not stupid..._

Holding his bitter words of dejected love, Jasper simply stood as an observer of his own disintegrating self. Every afternoon Edward would vanish during tea time. A couple of hours later, he would reappear in high spirits.

At this point, Edward's unfaithfulness was a foregone conclusion and every night when his copper haired lover visited, Jasper's heart would break a little bit more. So he started to distance himself, dissociating lust and love.

Determined to protect his heart, Jasper failed to see the despair on Edward's beautiful face, his anguished efforts to draw attention. Even his exuberance when they were intimate couldn't break through Jasper's miasma of forlorn mistrust.

Frightened and lonely, Edward sought the advice of his only other friend.

_Having her was the natural way, I was the aberration..._


	44. Chapter 44

_Having her was the natural way, I was the aberration..._

A sweaty hand turned the knob of Jasper's room. A wobbly body stood on the threshold. An uncertain boy entered. Mrs. Hale motherly advice would be followed albeit with trepidation. Steadying his unsettled mind Edward openly addressed the issue of his lover's disparaging behavior.

Jasper felt his throat constricting, too many words trying to get out, but only a keening sound of intolerable misery escaped his lips. Fisting his hands, he tried to control his racing heart and organize his indignant thoughts. For a long time his irascible self raged beyond any description, a rant filled with hurtful accusations.

When Jasper finally reached the end of his tirade, Edward's astonishment translated into silent tears.

_Raging like a bull, hurting like a rabbit..._


	45. Chapter 45

_Raging like a bull, hurting like a rabbit..._

Only his beloved's tears could pierce Jasper's guarded heart but when he moved to comfort Edward, a raised hand halted his advance. Astonished by his refusal, Jasper could only stare at Edward's bent head.

Taking a deep breath, blazing green eyes met brown ones and spiting justified wrath Edward told Jasper about everything he had endured from their colleagues and the truth of his relationship with Mrs. Hale. Giving Jasper no time to respond, he left without looking behind.

Humiliated from his own stupidity and belittled by his own ignorance, Jasper turned his fury against himself. His defective mind seemed unable to cope with the magnitude of his feelings, so he unconsciously tried to implode his already damaged relationship.

Humbled by self-awareness he sought a mercy that would never come.

_At that moment only hope sustained my steps..._


	46. Chapter 46

_At that moment only hope sustained my steps..._

Curled up on the floor, Edward could only reflect on the intrinsic trappings the affairs of the heart presented to inconspicuous lovers. For all the purity of his feelings, there seemed to always be some presumed smudge tainting his love.

Jasper's shock and heartbreak over finding his beloved in such precarious condition was outshined by his guilt, since there was no doubt he was the reason behind Edward's broken spirit.

So, the blond haired boy could only promise to behave better and to believe in his partner. Begging for an undeserved forgiveness Jasper's heart lurched at Edward's ready acceptance. Edward could only muse how long it would be until Jasper broke his heart again.

But fearless as he was, when Jasper offered his hand Edward didn't hesitate. He simply took it.

_All forgiven, nothing forgotten..._


	47. Chapter 47

_All forgiven, nothing forgotten..._

Clothes were shed in a flurry of frenzied movements, born out of anger and desire. Burning in love and hurt, it was a duel of wills, a search for dominance, a possessive act of marking one's mate.

Sampling skin, biting nipples, nipping abdomens, their preliminaries were fast and thorough. No place for tenderness when the need to connect was overshadowed by the need to ascertain ownership.

When instinct reigned free there was no thought process to surpass the body's demands. Not stopping to analyze the magnitude of the step they were taking, the boys prepared to engage on their first coupling ritual.

Having Edward bent over the bed, Jasper prepared to enter his beloved's body for the first time.

_The heart thumped as my body throbbed..._


	48. Chapter 48

_The heart thumped as my body throbbed..._

Breaking through the mist of angry desire, a wave of virginal anxiousness halted Jasper's motion, allowing his mind the needed time to analyze their predicament. A romantic at heart, Jasper realized that their first time shouldn't be a lusty coupling but rather a loving connection of two bodies inhabited by only one soul.

Misconstruing Jasper's hesitation Edward covered his body and sobbed in humiliated anger. Walking to the window, he whispered the end of their relationship for he was sure his wounded feelings could never overcome the rejection of his offer.

_Unspoken words placed on unmoving lips..._


	49. Chapter 49

_Unspoken words placed on unmoving lips..._

Embracing Edward from behind, Jasper positioned his hand over his beloved's heart and proclaimed they would never be over. It was a statement born out of an unrestrained love, pure and deep, beautiful and passionate, all consuming and liberating.

So much emotion dimmed the whirl of lust, and suddenly their caresses were no longer preliminaries leading to a fast approaching end, but rather an end in themselves, endowed with intrinsic value.

Unhurriedly, their love bloomed in teasing touches and light kisses, rediscovering overlooked territory. Sighs of deep satisfaction and powerful longing where the only sounds disrupting the gentle silence of that warm summer night.

And in the dim light of the moon, their eyes locked in a gaze of true soulmates.

_Unfathomable depths of your soul..._


	50. Chapter 50

_Unfathomable depths of your soul..._

Lovingly fondling Edward's handsome face, Jasper gently poured his heart and soul into a kiss meant to express all that his words seemed to muddle. It was also a gentle invitation to come closer and surrender to an unearthly need neither could even begin to grasp.

Carefully Edward straddled Jasper's hip, aligning parts that would soon join on the most pleasurable way. Moaning at the contact, they never allowed their lips to disengage. Gazing into each other's eyes, they spoke the silent language of lovers conveying their readiness.

Slowly Edward lowered his body on Jasper's hard flesh bracing himself against the unavoidable stab of pain. Except it never came, for there was only the utter bliss of being fully one with his beloved's body.

_My eyes welled with tears of an unnamed emotion..._


	51. Chapter 51

_My eyes welled with tears of an unnamed emotion..._

Passion burning from within, Jasper craved a physically impossible closeness, for he longed to live inside his beloved's. He settled for placing Edward's ankle on his shoulder, allowing a deeper penetration.

Eyes rolling in immeasurable pleasure, Edward's rhythm never faltered, gently guiding their bodies in a crescendo of overlapping emotions, until they reached a sensorial zenith where everything faded before the light of completeness only a union of souls could afford.

In the aftermath of their joining they sat side by side, hugging each other, watching the dawn of a new day. Jasper's soul, swelled by renewed hope and undying love, was blissfully oblivious to the unconquerable barricade surrounding a tiny part of Edward's heart. A fortress that would forever be held out of Jasper's reach.

_Weeds spoiling the most perfect garden..._


	52. Chapter 52

_Weeds spoiling the most perfect garden..._

By the end of the Michaelmas Half Jasper was thriving in the newfound pleasures of the flesh. All notions of sin and punishment paled before the wave of delight that took hold of his body whenever Edward rode him to oblivion.

Nevertheless, the shadow of separation loomed on the horizon, since the school closed from mid December to early January. The boys would be visiting their respective homes, which meant almost a month apart.

So Jasper gorged on Edward's body, seeking his intimate favors every night and several times during the day. Edward never denied him, always smiling in that secretive confident way of his, taking Jasper's ardor as a proof of his devotion.

Later, they would cuddle and unhurriedly devote themselves to the art of intimacy.

_The pale night of moonlight bathed your naked skin..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Eton has three academic terms – Michaelmas Half (September to December), Lent Half (January to March), Summer Half (April to June).<strong>


	53. Chapter 53

_The pale night of moonlight bathed your naked skin..._

Almost a fortnight without his beloved left Jasper in a foul mood. Irritable and anxious, his temper was even shorter after the announcement that coming Christmas Eve, Her Grace, the Duchess of Whitlock, his mother, would be hosting a house party that would last until the first days of January.

For quite some time he had been able to evade his parents social gatherings, an option that was no longer available seeing as his mother had commanded his presence. Since he no longer belonged in the nursery, Her Grace had a renewed interest in her darling son. Jasper would muse about the amount of time it took for her to perceive such an obvious truth.

His only consolation were the long afternoons he spent at the lake, building castles in the air where two lords lived and loved, safe from the world and from themselves.

_There you were mine, only mine..._


	54. Chapter 54

_There you were mine, only mine..._

Standing by the lake, absorbing the sparse sunlight that stubbornly broke through the bad weather, Jasper felt a hand circling his own. Startled he jerked back but their hands stayed firmly clasped.

Fiercely scowling Jasper met the eyes of his impertinent visitor. Green eyes dancing in amusement met his own and Jasper's heart burst in a wave of happy contentment. Throwing his arms around Edward, he kissed with all the longing their separation generated.

Edward slowed the kiss, made it gentler and sweeter, showering Jasper's face with brief touches of his lips, sucking his earlobe, caressing the length of his spine, softly telling his blond lover how much he was missed.

So wrapped in each other, they never noticed that a little far ahead, protected by trees a watcher let out a tiny gasp.

_The only gift I ever asked for..._


	55. Chapter 55

_The only gift I ever asked for..._

The Duchess of Whitlock's frost beauty was the perfect disguise to Mary's compassionated soul and loving heart. Her station didn't allow for open displays of affection, not even towards her son, a fact that greatly saddened her. Her only comfort were the stolen moments when she would discreetly observe him.

Heart constricting painfully for her son's unnatural tendencies, she silently left the lake behind. Violent sobs wrecking her body, her stunned mind demolished the walls of memories better left forgotten. The barriers separating past and present no longer signified and two stories fused into one, sharing the same eerie outcome. And she remembered…

The unwanted daughter of an uncaring father, the only male attention she had growing up came from her older brother, the heir to the dukedom, her personal hero. The same man she named her son after.

_A ghost haunting the living..._


	56. Chapter 56

_A ghost haunting the living..._

Jasper Theodosius Reade, Marquess of Platt, the first in line to the Dukedom of Wolf was a man blessed with good looks, a sharp mind and a kind heart. The jewel of the Reade family, he was the culmination of his father's many ambitions. He was also his little sister's best friend.

The ten years between the births of the siblings allowed Lord Platt to develop an almost fatherly devotion towards Mary, who came to rely solely on him for daily doses of warmth. Until the day he was no longer there, his memory shunned, his disappearance unexplained. Forbidden to mourn, only in the nights she would shed tears of sorrow and loneliness, aching for a comfort no one was willingly to offer.

Several years later, she would learn the true fate of her cherished brother.

_A premonition and a memory..._


	57. Chapter 57

_A premonition and a memory..._

Theodosius Reade was a humble plasterer, living in a tiny home, with only one servant to see to his needs. He was a good man, honest, hardworking and generous. He was also the man sentenced to withstand the public humiliation of the pillory.

Not even one hint of the disowned peer could be seen on the face of the man condemned for sodomy, which, ironically, was the same reason he lost his Mary and his right to inherit. Body aching and spirit breaking he asked himself if he could survive another stone.

A few feet from the pillory, sitting in a carriage with her father, listening to his laughing, mocking voice, crying her despair, Mary learned how harsh the world could be if one dared to defy it's preconceived ideas.

_An action born out of fear..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN1: Theodosius Reade actually existed and, along with William Smith, was condemned to the pillory for sodomy. While Smith's death inspired Edmund Burke to give a humanitarian speech in parliament, Reade's fate remains unknown, but it's believed he died from his injuries. Burke was scorned because of his "leniency" towards sodomites. <strong>

**Reade's background is a literary liberty. **

**AN2: ****The pillory consisted in a wooden framework on a post, with holes for the head and members, designed to punish offenses by exposing the offenders to public sc****orn. Notwithstanding, frequently they would endure physical abuse inflicted by the angry mob****, throwing stones was one of the most popular practices. English laws abolished the use of pillory as a punishment only in 1837.**


	58. Chapter 58

_An action born out of fear..._

Anticipating Jasper's visit Edward's naked body hardened underneath the linen sheet, his mind swarming with unclear images of making love and solid visions of lewd acts. Despite his overexcited state sleep beckoned his dreamy self, shrouding his mind from waking life.

Unaware of the storm that would soon darken his horizon, Jasper surreptitiously lifted the coverings impairing the vision of his beloved's body. No matter how familiar, he was always awed by his lover's physique and could not prevent his hands from touching his perfection, lazily stroking Edward's member.

Slowly rising from the world of the dreaming, Edward gladly welcomed Jasper into his bed. That night, their passion transcended pleasure and love, reaching far beyond anything that the human mind could comprehend, taking their souls to the realm of gods and saints.

_I surrendered myself to the inevitable..._


	59. Chapter 59

_I surrendered myself to the inevitable..._

The cold wind tousled Edward's hair. Chuckling softly, Jasper reached up and ran his fingers through his beloved's copper tresses. Allowing the back of his hand to lightly touch Edward's cheek, Jasper gazed into his eyes and, forgetting the strictures of their situation, leaned in for a kiss. His actions were halted by a throat clearing.

Startled Jasper took a step behind and turned his attention to the intruder. It was a servant, more precisely a footman and judging by his livery, he was at the service of the Earl of Masen, Edward's father. Young and sturdy, there was nothing menacing in his demeanour, just a friendly warning to mind their surroundings.

It was Edward's behaviour that gave Jasper pause. Blushing and scared, fidgeting uncontrollably there was a hint of panic inside his glazed green eyes. Understanding downed on Jasper. Footmen were often former stable boys.

_Like a poison blackening my vision..._


	60. Chapter 60

_Like a poison blackening my vision..._

Edward braced himself for the rage of his lover since he was sure that Jasper's possessive nature would not let reason guide his actions. Painfully aware of the battle about unfold he gestured his former beau, Emmett, away.

Jasper could not deny the violent jealousy that demanded immediate retribution. However it was pushed aside by a wave of saddened betrayal, a bitter reminder that his precious Edward had allowed another man into his body.

Wisened by past mistakes, beholding an advice given long ago, Jasper clenched his fist and tightened his jaw, fighting his instincts. If the measure of true strength is withholding your own wrath, Jasper was about to prove his value.

Conquering himself, Jasper tenderly smiled and invited Edward to spend the afternoon at the lake.

_Keeping my shortcomings from hurting you..._


	61. Chapter 61

_Keeping my shortcomings from hurting you..._

Sitting on Jasper's unclothed lap, Edward gazed at the tepid water, too intimidated by its frigidity to brave a swim. Cradling Edward's naked body, Jasper showered kisses wherever he could reach, while his dainty hand awakened Edward's desire. Always eager, Edward lay on his back anxiously waiting for the entrance of his lover's oiled flesh.

One swift move brought Jasper deep inside Edward. Bodies flush, tongues fighting for dominance, hands pulling hairs, it was a frenzied coupling of ardent lovers. Wrapping his legs around Jasper, Edward unleashed the beast inside his lover. Powerful thrusts raising Edward's hips, Jasper orgasmed in blinding intensity and when he felt the wet proof of his lover's enjoyment, he chuckled softly.

Little did they know that soon the hand of destiny would wield its implacable hammer, an unavoidable fate that would come as a blessed tragedy crushing the lives of unsuspecting victims.

_A brief respite from the dramatic play waiting for its leading actors..._


	62. Chapter 62

_A brief respite from the dramatic play waiting for its leading actors..._

There were two women on the most sumptuous drawing room of the Whitlock's country residence. Once they had been lovers, seeking in each other's arms the warmth their marriage bed could not offer. Protected by misogynistic notions of desire, their sapphic relationship went unnoticed and when it ended only an uncomfortable feeling of sensory memory lingered between the pair, making friendship an impossibility.

However, behind the doors of the said drawing room, they had to forge a tentative alliance on a crusade to save their children from a turbulent fate. Hiding the truth of their sons' sexual tendencies from their respective fathers, the women decided that the boys should be kept apart.

Courteously pouring tea, the Duchess of Whitlock exposed to the Countess of Masen an ingeniously underhanded strategy.

_An unorthodox solution to an unnatural problem..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Laws of the Regency period did not categorize lesbianism as a crime, for the notion was truly unconceivable since it was believed women had no sexual appetites.<strong>


	63. Chapter 63

_An unorthodox solution to an unnatural problem..._

Favours were called and promises were made, however, no personal sacrifice was too great to deter the Duchess of Whitlock from seeing to her task. Being the winner of the delicate game of subtle manipulation was no solace for her aching heart, because she was a mother mourning her son's coming heartbreak.

When the strings of the waltz faded into silence and the Duke of Whitlock proudly announced his son's untimely graduation from Eton and early acceptance into Oxford, Mary was painfully aware of her son's crumbling composure, his mind unprepared to deal with the ramifications of that unexpected development.

Breaking free from the constrictions of her station, against all socially accepted behaviour, Mary gently guided her son out of the ballroom, delicately discouraging any congratulatory approaches.

Far into the garden, away from disparaging eyes Jasper silently wept cradled in his mother's bosom.

_Arms of a saviour, mind of a tormentor..._


	64. Chapter 64

_Arms of a saviour, mind of a tormentor..._

For the next two days Edward efficiently evaded Jasper. Getting only brief glimpses of his lover, Jasper was confused beyond measure about what could have prompted such disregardful behaviour.

No ambush, no matter how carefully thought out and executed was inevitably thwarted by Emmet's cunning defence. Like a watchdog, his eyes forbidding approach and at the same time promising retaliation, should his warnings be disregarded.

But having imbibed on the ocean of love and tasted small sips of confidence, he persevered in his quest for Edward, waiting for the chance to approach his beloved. Late afternoon, on the very last day of the party the much anticipated opportunity presented itself.

Seeing Edward stealthily making his way to the forest, Jasper waited a couple of minutes before silently following his lover's trail.

What he found rearranged the threads of his soul, weaving the tissue of some unknown entity.

_The death of my innocence rests on your shoulders..._


	65. Chapter 65

_The death of my innocence rests on your shoulders..._

Kneeling on the ground, naked from the waist down, Edward mischievous grin was accompanied by a little shake of his exposed bottom. The brawny figure of an unclothed man stepped from the shadows readily accepting the obvious invitation.

The man avidly stroked Edward, paying special attention to his sensitive nipples while licking the shell of his ear. It was an action that spoke of familiarity, of lovers experienced on each other's pleasures.

Without further preparations, harshly biting Edward's shoulder the man mounted him, violating his body on one powerful thrust. Harshly clutching Edward's hips, the man kept a ruthless rhythm, violently pounding into Edward, pushing his body against a sturdy tree.

Hugging one of the tree's branches, Edward's pleas for harder and faster were followed by his cries of delight and moans of pure carnal bliss. And when he spilled his seed he called his lover's name.

Emmett.

_By forsaking our love you erased the path of our fate..._


	66. Chapter 66

_By forsaking our love you erased the path of our fate..._

Turning his back to the grotesque scene still unfolding on the forest's ground, Jasper walked towards nowhere, for the only home he had ever known had just been soiled by blasphemous acts of impurity.

He barely noticed the cold rain punishing his body, since his heart and mind were focussed on putting one foot before the other. A lightning broke his concentration, letting free all the mayhem he had been repressing.

Glazed eyes staring at the dark sky, looking for a God that had never been there, he yelled his pain and desperation, phrasing a question he would never know the answer to. Morning for a future that could no longer be, he locked the doors to emotions he no longer craved.

Numbed, a cynical smile played on his lips. It was time to confront his past.

_Behold the monster born out of the ashes of your former lover..._


	67. Chapter 67

_Behold the monster born out of the ashes of your former lover..._

Getting a maid to lift her skirts presented no challenge to Lord Whitlock. Bending her over the bed he unmercifully hammered his rod into her wet flesh. The sounds she made were slightly unsettling, so different from the ones he had grown to love. But love had no longer a place on his hardened heart.

So he enjoyed the unexpected pleasure of a willingly female, taking from her flesh every enjoyment his body craved. Remembering Alice's lesson he played her body like an experienced musician, and she loudly expressed her appreciation for his efforts.

When the door opened to reveal a stunned Edward, Jasper took cruel satisfaction on the other boy's clear understanding of his not so subtle message. Shrugging, like shagging a woman on another boy's bed was of no consequence, Jasper continued until he reached his climax.

Immediately disengaging from the maid, he pulled his trousers and walked away like a practiced scoundrel.

_So much heartbreak on your deceitful eyes..._


	68. Chapter 68

_So much heartbreak on your deceitful eyes..._

Mrs. Denali was the most glittering diamond of the demimonde. A widow of an impoverished baronet at age twenty four she turned her back to the ton, refusing to become a companion to an elderly relative, and found the means to support herself through a much less demanding position.

Shinning red hair, deep blue eyes and generous curves caught the attention of the gentleman. But it was her fiery personality and her passionate interest in all things sexual that ensured the patronage of the wealthiest man on the country.

Eleven years of being adored were enough for Mrs. Denali to amass an enviable fortune that sometimes even surpassed those of her former protectors. Beautiful, sophisticated and rich she was the ultimate arm candy.

Therefore, when her current protector broke the relationship, there was a very long line of candidates to the post. Offers were made, including some marriage proposals. But Mrs. Denali shrewd business instincts were also legendary, she only engaged in extremely profitable liaisons, and marriage was not one of them. It was expected she would choose the Earl of Chatham, since he was manoeuvring to reclaim the Prime Minister office, making him powerful, wealthy and influential, just her preference.

The news that she had chosen an eighteen year old youth as her next lover was received with awed disbelief.

_Scarlet as the deep end of a heaven turned hell..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>William Pitt, the 2nd Earl of Chatham, was Prime Minister from 1783 to 1801, when he was followed by Henry Addington (Prime Minister from 1801 to 1804). Addington was driven from the cabinet by Pitt, who became once again Prime Minister from 1804 until his death in 1806.


	69. Chapter 69

_Scarlet as the deep end of a heaven turned hell..._

Entering the Opera House, Jasper was faintly amused by the lecherous gazes directed at the decadent woman on his arm. Tanya was a coveted prize any man would like to claim. He was by no means different taking exquisite pleasure on the envious glances of the gentlemen and the accessing eyes of the ladies.

Fidelity was no part of their bargain, so Jasper eagerly enjoyed the favours of as many women as his schedule allowed. There was an uproar among the ladies of the ton, eagerly disputing the chance to warm his bed. Sometimes even young ladies would receive the honour.

Having mastered the art of discretion, his liaisons went unpunished; no father or husband ever called him out, even though sometimes suspicions would arise. Cuckolding became a sport and seducing an entertainment.

Having no interest in music, or gossiping for that matter, the night's outing offered no interesting prospect, but Tanya insisted and he indulged her, knowing that later she would appropriately show her gratitude.

However, during the interval a lovely surprise waited for him beside the refreshment's table.

_Foolishly trapped by my own ignorance..._


	70. Chapter 70

_Foolishly trapped by my own ignorance..._

_A year before..._

Six months had passed since the incident at the house party and Jasper was far from being healed from its wounds. The heavy study load Oxford imposed helped to a certain degree keeping his mind from mulling over those painful events.

However, late into the night when the candle's light had long been gone, he was assailed by memories so clear he could almost taste his former lover's skin, and his dreams were filled with happy endings that would never come to pass.

The absence of a social life only added to Jasper's torment, since he had only himself for company. The other students, for a reason unknown to Jasper, seemed to ignore him and his sparse attempts at engaging in conversation, only reinforcing his shy nature.

Alone and broken, the news of his Godfather's visit was received with unprecedented euphoria.

_Wondering if any truth ever escaped your lips..._


	71. Chapter 71

_Wondering if any truth ever escaped your lips..._

Jasper had always been fond of Lord Cullen, his Godfather, a man of unremarkable looks but outstanding personality. Sarcastic and witty, he never failed to entertain and captivate his always eager audience.

Lord Cullen shamelessly spoiled Jasper, giving magnificent gifts on special occasions and thoughtful little souvenirs for no reason other than being his only Godson. Although the material things were greatly appreciated, what Jasper really looked forward to was the present of Lord Cullen's undivided attention.

Growing up, Lord Cullen was the only adult to ever actively seek for Jasper's company, taking a personal interest on all the aspects of his life, patiently hearing every word Jasper uttered and eagerly watching all of his steps.

Their closeness had dimmed since the beginning of his affair with Edward, because he had no desire to actively lie to Lord Cullen and the need for secrecy prevented any sort of honesty. But now, that was in the past and maybe Lord Cullen was the answer to his prayers.

_Needing a friend to help me understand..._


	72. Chapter 72

_Needing a friend to help me understand..._

Living as an adult had some undeniable advantages, one of which was learning about the adventurous sexual exploitations of his Godfather. Lord Cullen was rumoured to be a libertine indistinctly dallying with both male and female partners.

Hearing these tales, Jasper started to wonder if maybe Lord Cullen would be sensitive to his plight, offering a shoulder to cry on, like he had done so many times when Jasper was younger. Lord Cullen's visit offered the perfect opportunity to test his theory.

Taking a leap of faith, Jasper relayed a detailed account of his affair, from beginning to end, sparing no details, while Lord Cullen sat impassively hearing his words with keen interest. Silence followed the end of Jasper's story, and not even a muscle twitched on Lord Cullen's face, nothing betrayed his reaction.

Jasper was engulfed by despair when Lord Cullen simply got up from the chair, he was convinced his Godfather was leaving him. But to his everlasting surprise, Lord Cullen offered the comfort of his embrace, an oasis of understanding on a desert of recriminations.

_I cried all the sorrow of my heart..._

* * *

><p><strong>About the time line: <strong>

Chapter 68 we meet Tanya who took a eighteen year old as a lover, Jasper. Chapter 69 we see him as the toast of the town still as a 18 year old. Chapter 70 goes back in time, until six months after the house party and we see Jasper as a seventeen year old. The next chapters will contain events catching up with Chapter 69.


	73. Chapter 73

_I cried all the sorrow of my heart..._

Under Lord Cullen's expert tutelage Jasper lost his shyness and stored away his bookish tendencies, forever burying the Jasper that started to die with Edward's betrayal. His Godfather's kind advice and gentle prodding saw him through most of his emotional ordeal, for only now he was actually dealing with his heartbreak. Little by little he started to come out of his shell.

And suddenly Jasper was caught in a whirlwind of social invitations. His nights were no longer spent with the memories of a lost lover but filled with dancing, drinking and gambling. The moment his head touched the pillow his eyes closed in exhaustion, so much that his weary mind lacked even the energy to dream.

Nevertheless, some nights were spent at Lord Cullen's home on quiet companionship. And one day, he was no longer Lord Cullen, his Godfather but Carlisle, his friend.

_Anything to distract me from loving you..._


	74. Chapter 74

_Anything to distract me from loving you..._

The fine art of wenching was introduced to Jasper by his ever present companion, Carlisle. Despite his previous incident with the maid, Jasper had to admit that the prospect of lying with a woman was not something he was anticipating. But Carlisle made a fine case in favour of sexual experimentation, arguing that his encounter with the maid could barely be counted as experience.

The woman Carlisle selected to educate his Godson was a Russian femme fatale named Irina. Beautiful and voracious, she relished the task of bedding an unnatural, seeing his conversion to more natural behaviour as an irresistible challenge.

Many nights they spent in wild abandonment, savagely slaking their lust, inventing creative bedroom games, succumbing to the demands of their flesh. Jasper would leave her bed just before daybreak and at the threshold she would sweetly kiss him goodbye.

One night, while kissing Irina he spotted Edward sitting alone, openly staring at him. Smiling sardonically Jasper simply waved, turned his back and walked away.

_Your heartbreak plain to the eyes, but impossible to comprehend..._


	75. Chapter 75

_Your heartbreak plain to the eyes, but impossible to comprehend..._

Growing weary of Irina and her kind, Jasper first felt the need for novelty, a yearning for some elusive sensation, for someone he was reluctant to name. Filling his time with rakish pursuits, Jasper started to grow distant from Carlisle.

However, the ladies of the ton proved to be even less entertaining than his former companions. After a particularly unsatisfying encounter with a former paramour of Carlisle's, Jasper was once again engulfed by suffocating boredom, turning to his mentor for advice. He was surprised to discover that Carlisle was entertaining guests, a private party to which he had not been invited.

Angered by his best friend's cold shoulder, he followed the music and abruptly entered the drawing room, stepping into the second circle of hell.

_So many things tainting my innocence..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>The second circle of Hell, according to Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy, is lust.


	76. Chapter 76

_So many things tainting my innocence..._

Impossible entanglements of contorted bodies defying the laws of physics covered every single surface of the increasingly claustrophobic room. Lewd acts of uncontrollable lust performed by unthinkable pairings of uneven numbers, of humans and beasts. Pain and pleasure tangled in a inextricable web of sobbing need.

Tugging his cravat Jasper, stared awed and terrified at the mass of writhing bodies and listened to the symphony of sin. The pungent smell of spent desire repulsed his nostrils at the same time it stirred his flesh. Potent arousal clouded his judgement clamouring for immediate release.

Standing out from the indiscernible crowd, Carlisle sat like a king indulgently observing his wilful subjects, to his right sat his beautiful, long time mistress a woman fit to inhabit the Mount Olympus.

A woman that in previous meetings had barely acknowledged his existence, but at that moment she was making her way to him, smiling sultrily._Tanya._

_Like a serpent insinuating itself into my life..._


	77. Chapter 77

_Like a serpent insinuating itself into my life..._

The gran finale for Tanya's gentle guiding through the world of wicked debauchery was an offering of her own flesh to Jasper's aggravated lust. Before Carlisle's thrilled countenance Jasper roughly took her body, without pause or thought, the other man's unabashed perusal only adding to his excitement.

After that first encounter, Jasper would go to any lengths to guarantee another visit to her boudoir, for he was a young man enthralled by her mastery, thoroughly ensnared on her web of seduction. The disloyalty to his best friend seemed like a small price to pay for the use of her exquisite body. A sense of diluted guilt would sometimes try to cloud him, but it was swiftly pushed away.

The discovery of their transgressions came as no surprise to Jasper, since he knew that no sin went unpunished. However he was unprepared to Carlisle's reaction.

_A devil in lady's clothes..._


	78. Chapter 78

**About the time line:** now we have finished our tour through Jasper's journey into becoming the "it" boy. We're back to chapter 69 and he is going to get his surprise.

* * *

><p><em>A devil in lady's clothes...<em>

Nothing could dim the pride Jasper took in parading Tanya in front of the ton, not even the knowledge that had it not been for Carlisle generosity, she would probably be adorning another man's arm. After their discovery, Carlisle had readily forgiven both perpetrators, offering a generous settlement to Tanya, so that she could become Jasper's mistress.

Jasper was eagerly anticipating the interval, the only good part about going to the opera. Leaving Tanya in their private box, he left to procure some refreshments, the spirits kind preferably.

Wondering through the crowd, he confirmed his assessment that no one of consequence was in attendance. Glancing towards the refreshment's table, he could not believe his eyes. Heart pounding and body thrumming with enthusiasm, he carefully measured his step, successfully hiding his impatience.

Jasper's voice was surprisingly steady when he formally addressed Edward.

_Illuminating my darkness with your wisdom..._


	79. Chapter 79

_Illuminating my darkness with your wisdom..._

No amount of denial could erase the awareness of Edward's proximity. Dissonant yearnings threatened to tear Jasper apart. Body, heart, mind and soul pulling in different directions, wanting to flee, longing to stay.

Unbidden the memory of Edward's unfaithfulness overtook his mind, stealing any joy he could derive from the meeting. Following his former lover into an empty vestibule, Jasper shielded his heart and exiled his soul, bracing himself for the storm of lies that certainly would be coming his way.

However, Jasper was defenceless against Edward's pull, especially when he was so close that they were almost touching. Jasper's arms were aching to embrace and his lips tingling for a kiss, his soul bursting with the bliss of being whole once again.

A lone tear treaded down Edward's face, so much longing in his eyes, fists clenching, fighting the urge to feel Jasper's skin. Suppressing his needs Edward concentrated on the delicate task that had brought him here.

Jasper was about to succumb to his desires when Edward spoke.

_Words of advice given by a scorned lover..._


	80. Chapter 80

_Words of advice given by a scorned lover..._

Seething with rage, Jasper could not prevent the string of harsh words directed towards the self-righteous boy he had once called lover. Love was a far away memory when confronted with the indignity of Edward's actions.

Stonily listening to Jasper's rant, Edward knew that his beloved would never heed his advice, nevertheless he felt it was his duty and his right to warn Jasper to guard himself against Lord Cullen's malevolent intents.

Striding away, Jasper's heart broke anew, for it was unfathomable the lengths his former lover would go to in his twisted game of pulling and pushing. Seeing Jasper's distress, Tanya immediately acquiesced to leaving the theatre, never protesting or asking any questions.

Troubled, Jasper failed to notice how unusual it was for Tanya to abide by his wishes.

_Prescience or inference, I will never know..._


	81. Chapter 81

_Prescience or inference, I will never know..._

A foul mood could only be remedied by one thing, exactly the thing Tanya was most willingly to provide. That night's chosen place for seduction was the terrace, where she coaxed Jasper into stripping for her.

Lying on a chase, Tanya caressed her naked body, pinching her nipples and moaning softly, running her hand down her stomach, fingers disappearing inside her sex. It was a successful attempt to drive Jasper mad with lust.

Legs wide opened, her ankles on his shoulders Tanya enthusiastically accepted his rough thrusting. Putting all her knowledge to a good cause, she clenched her inner walls, fluttering them around his member.

Lost to the fog of pleasure, Jasper barely noticed a pair of hands grasping his hips from behind, or the nudge of hard flesh against his hole. Only when Carlisle was fully seated inside him, Jasper took stock of the situation. However, it was already too late to rationalizations and Jasper's only feeling was carnal delight.

Later he would think, for now he could only feel.

_Everything ceased to exist but the bliss of taking and being taken..._


	82. Chapter 82

_Everything ceased to exist but the bliss of taking and being taken..._

Jasper's weary body ached from the debauchery of the night before. However, it paled compared to the painful violation of his soul, for even though he consented to the physical act, his inner self had never adhered to the implications of his concurrence.

A violated body and a shattered heart were all the spoils of the war fought between three improbable lovers. There was pleasure on the encounter, supreme gratification topped with the delightful sense of wickedness.

Nevertheless, his soul was crying and howling, for the reason that he had shared with Carlisle something he always dreamed would be Edward's alone. Whatever morals Jasper still possessed were screaming in outrage, for it was the deepest form of corruption engaging in carnal relations with someone that was practically family.

He was invaded with the need to be clean, pure, untouched once again. He needed someone to sooth his self inflicted wounds. He needed a friend to tell him he wasn't horrible. He needed Edward to nurse him through his hurt.

_A rape of the soul and a degradation of the body..._


	83. Chapter 83

_A rape of the soul and a degradation of the body..._

Throwing himself to Edward's mercy, Jasper was awed by his former lover's accepting nature. Edward embraced Jasper's heaving body, attentively listening to the tale of his beloved's dissolution. Sparing no details, Jasper methodically recounted the episode of the night before, whispering that Edward was right all along.

Edward did not care for being right, he only wished he could have protected Jasper, saved him from the clutches of a despicable man. However, there was no point in dwelling on what should have been. It was time to move on, to rebuild what his own stupidity had destroyed.

Holding Jasper's gaze, Edward uttered not words of forgiveness, for they were unnecessary and undeserved, but rather spoke of love and the future. Edward better than no one could understand Jasper's mistakes, for they were only consequences of his own misgivings, only reactions to his actions, in the end, everything could be traced back to him.

Running out of words, hurts and separations faded to nothing, and unexpectedly there was only the urgency to reconnect.

_In your eyes there were no lies or deceit, just the never ending love you used to feel..._


	84. Chapter 84

_In your eyes there were no lies or deceit, just the never ending love you used to feel..._

They both exhaled in awed relief when their lips touched, since a lifetime had passed without the very necessary feel of each other's skin. Jasper was desperate, tearing at Edward's clothes, sending buttons flying in the air, ripping his waistcoat, his urgency making him clumsy.

Edward was more sedate in his passion, carefully loving every single part of his beloved's body, tong running from ears to nipples, from nipples to abdomen and it would have gone lower had it not been for Jasper's sobbing demand.

Jasper felt his desire for Edward escalating out of his control, but before his tongue was tied with lust he pleaded for Edward to take him, needing his touch to erase the memories of debauched sex, replacing it with sweet lovemaking.

Edward was nervous since it would be the first time he would ever be entering another body. So he was sweet and slow, staring into Jasper's eyes, trying to convey all his love and regret.

Their lovemaking was unhurried, a delicate dance of reconnecting souls and when orgasm took them to another level of consciousness, neither could deny the intensity of their feelings.

_Coming back to you, despite everything..._


	85. Chapter 85

_Coming back to you, despite everything..._

Observing Edward's peaceful sleep, Jasper could almost believe on the angelic expression softening his features. However, the sour taste of his former lover's conniving personality still lingered on Jasper's devastated soul.

Between a lover that he could not let himself love and a life he no longer cared to live, Jasper felt desperately isolated and helplessly doomed to exist within an invented life of make believe half truths.

No matter what the future would bring to his arid existence, deep in his heart lay the awareness that he could not come back to living in impiety, but neither could he afford to lose himself to a love tainted with betrayal.

Imbibing on every nuance of Edward's silhouette, Jasper took stock of every curve and dip of his naked torso, committing to memory the way his copper hair fell on the pillow, how his pale skin reflect the day's first rays of light.

It would be a fond memory to be visited whenever darkness threatened to fall. And maybe one day he could forgive Edward's unfaithfulness, rebuilding all they once had. But for now, this memory would have to be enough.

_Still yours, so yours..._


	86. Chapter 86

_Still yours, so yours..._

Incessantly praised by the papers, openly admired on the streets, an act of deep patriotism, they said. However, Edward knew better than any other the true meaning of Jasper's military undertake and it had nothing to do with noble feelings.

Buying a commission was Jasper's version of running away from a love that once had been pure and simple but one that both of them, in different measures had twisted into something neither could recognize.

Stopping the Napoleonic menace was a romantic idea on paper, but a terrifying prospect to live with. The love of Edward's life could be forever ripped from his arms and he would never have the chance to say how sorry he was. Since the night he had shed tears of self-loathing Jasper had been thwarting Edward's attempts to see him.

That's the reason he had to resort to desperate measures, bribing the maid to let him inside Jasper's bedroom.

_Needing to be something other, losing what I was..._


	87. Chapter 87

_Needing to be something other, losing what I was..._

Inside the darkened bedroom, standing close, trembling with love and desire they were children again. No lies and no betrayals clouding their way, they no longer needed words, for their souls did the talking and they knew what they needed, even though it was far apart from what they wanted.

Lying together one last night before the long separation war would bring, their lovemaking was exceptionally passionate, slow and tender. Long strokes and unhurried kisses, their eyes never straying from each other, their actions permeated with sadness and longing for what they would be missing in the next few years.

After their completion, they cuddled and slept like they were not broken, tainted and unhappy. They slept like they used to, so long ago on a narrow bed at their former school. And for some time happiness seemed attainable.

Waking up, Edward soaked on Jasper's scent, on his beauty, on his goodness, on their love. Leaving his asleep lover was difficult but Edward would give Jasper anything, even the distance and space to find himself.

_You had to let me go, I had to let myself go..._


	88. Chapter 88

_Six years later..._

_You had to let me go, I had to let myself go..._

Lost to the world on a war fought for unreal reasons of unreasonable rulers, Jasper watched in unsuspecting dismay the final act of his pointless existence. Lying on the ground, blood dripping from his wounds, his only regret was the letter sitting on his inside pocket, the one that would forever go unanswered.

A small tear escaped his weary eyes, remembering Edward and their wounded love. Edward's lust and Jasper's jealous nature had managed to put to the ground a love that belonged to the heights of Eden. Two self-destructive fools going against the engine of destiny.

He knew his time was up, there would be no reunion, no chance to become whole again, he would die a sad incomplete creature, a half of what he should have been. In his mind only the last words Edward had ever written him, and then everything faded into black.

_A young bird far from the nest..._


	89. Chapter 89

_A young bird far from the nest..._

For the first four years of Jasper's military career he received no correspondence, not even a note from those whose welfare he was fighting to maintain. He didn't even ask for the courier anymore, he firmly believed that he was not missed. So tried to forget about the people left behind, but sometimes when his stomach was growling and his limbs were numbed from tiredness, his unruly mind turned to unsavoury thoughts.

Seeing death and hunger, evil and destruction, scarred Jasper's soul, turning a careless aristocrat into a gentle human being; leaving behind an overdramatic fool he became a pragmatic young man. Being deprived of the things he had taken for granted, Jasper learned to value small pleasures, like the warmth of a bright afternoon.

Enjoying the brief respite from warfare, Jasper basked on the Mediterranean sun that seemed so peculiar to Portugal. However, that afternoon would bring a far greater delight, for he received a letter.

Trembling, he opened the envelope adorned by Edward's elegant writing.

_Desperate pleas for what had already been given ..._


	90. Chapter 90

_Desperate pleas for what had already been given ..._

"_I know another must be whispering at your ear. Words of love like I said, but I doubt! Doubt he has so much love and even the errs of my bad Portuguese. And that moment you will, remember me..._

_At night enfolded in the silence of your bedroom before sleep you seek for my portrait. But from the frame it's not me who smiles at you but you see my smile, nevertheless. And all that will make you remember me._

_If someone touches your body like me, don't say anything. Don't accidentally say my name to the wrong person._

_Thinking you have love, that moment, despaired, you try until the end. And even on that moment you will remember me._

_I know these details will fade on the long path of time that turns all love in almost nothing. But "almost" is also another detail, a great love won't die this way. Therefore, every once in a while, you will remember me._

_There is no point in trying to forget me. For a long, long time in your life I will live. No, no there is no point in trying to forget me..."_

And those words, Edward's final epistle of love and yearning, were the last thought Jasper had before darkness claimed him.

_No, I could never forget ..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Edward's letter is a translated excerpt from the music Detalhes by Brazilian singer Roberto Carlos, who happens to be "The King", in the same sense Elvis is "The King" for Americans. For anyone interested here is the link to watch the clip for this truly amazing song: watch?v=TKVJgb1JryA


	91. Chapter 91

_No, I could never forget ..._

Years of anguished silence had culminated on a desperate plea of a bleeding heart that probably would never heal, for acceptance was the only way, since no response ever came. The worst kind of rejection is complete indifference, not even a note putting the final point on their story.

No faith could have survived the reality of Jasper's silence, so Edward had to admit that even though his love would never die, he would have to forge another path for his life, apart from the one his beloved would take.

So, he rebuilt his life, made some friends and took some lovers. Life was pleasant enough, spent in frivolous pursuits, satisfying his vanity and the never ending quest for fun. No longer engulfed for deep feelings and powerful yearnings life was simpler, even if devoid of meaning. And it was enough, or so he kept trying to convince himself.

Secretly, Edward hungered for Jasper, fervently reading the papers hunting for any mention of his former lover, delighting in his triumphs, feeling proud of his accomplishments. However, he came across the startling news that Jasper had been gravely wounded on the battlefield, and would be coming to London for further treatment. Major Whitlock was coming home.

_Major Whitlock was going home ..._


	92. Chapter 92

_Major Whitlock was going home ..._

Pain. His whole world had shrinked down to one simple word. He had thought himself dead until the excruciating jerk of the orderlies hauled up his body on an improvised stretch. Gritting his teeth he prayed for a death that would come almost two decades too late.

Thrown in a fetid tent that passed for a campaign hospital, for a long time he just lay there unattended. He had even lost all hope of ever being noticed before the stench of his rotting carcass would command some attention when an orderly came to talk to him.

Cleaning his wounds somewhat, the orderly said the doctor would come as soon as he had concluded an emergency surgery. Hearing the howling coming from the surgery area he doubted it would take long, for the patient certainly was dying. Jasper was grateful that at least he did not have to watch the gruesome spectacle of a man being cut open. Thanking the heaven for small favours, he was startled to see a familiar face bending over his body.

_My mauled body trembled anew with the force of fear..._


	93. Chapter 93

_My mauled body trembled anew with the force of fear..._

Intently gazing at each other, they were amazed to discover that little remained from the boys they once had been. Their appearances, almost the same but the souls their eyes reflected were weary from suffering, matured from empathy, wizened from injustices. Jasper could not believe how much the other man had changed, for it was plain for his eyes to see the kindness that emanated from his blue eyes.

Bandaging his patient's wounds, James told the tale of how he had been shunned from his father's house, his funds maid unavailable after the incident at Eton. He apologized for his actions, shedding tears of true sorrow, saying he was a spoiled boy, inconsequential of his desires. He had wanted Jasper and he thought it was his right to take him. After the rage over his new circumstances had dimmed, he finally saw the extent of his violence and since then every day was spent in an effort to atone for his misdeeds.

James affirmed that his family's desertion was the best thing that ever happened to him, since he now was a man with purpose, no longer a self indulgent aristocrat. He spoke of how difficult it was for him to attend college and get a medical degree and of his charity work and how much he enjoyed it.

James had become a good man.

_And I started to believe that redemption was within my reach..._


	94. Chapter 94

_And I started to believe that redemption was within my reach..._

It was a lazy winter afternoon spent before the fire, comfortable in his lover's arms. Edward felt content, for happiness was something that belonged in the past where his soul mate still wanted him.

However, the news of Jasper's return flooded Edward's soul with ambivalence, because even though his beloved had cut communication six years ago, he knew their connection was unbreakable and their love unending. And no measure of contentment would be a fit substitute for the happiness only Jasper could bring.

On the other hand, his current lover was a kind, loving man. Someone who had always offered his quiet support and gentle affection, sometimes he even put his feelings aside in order to help Edward. Emmett deserved better than being cast aside whenever Jasper was in the vicinity. It had come the time to make a real choice, he had to really commit to Emmett foregoing Jasper or he had to set him free.

Both decisions would come with a high price to pay, he would lose the love of his life or the greatest companion he ever had. Deep within his soul he knew there was no decision to make, nevertheless the letter he had just received convinced his mind of the things his heart never doubted.

_Faith guided me back to my heart..._


	95. Chapter 95

_Faith guided me back to my heart..._

The long path towards recovery was arduous but James' caring guidance made it easier and sometimes even enjoyable. Jasper discovered a friend on his former foe, one that patiently healed his body and gently soothed his soul.

They exchanged confessions, little bits of their lives. Jasper was beguiled by the honesty that shinned through James' every word and action, for he had accepted who he was, had learned to love himself and to forgive his own flaws. James had embraced his sexual tendencies but had avoided the trap of promiscuity by maintaining a loving, exclusive relationship for five years until its end, last summer.

Jasper told his new friend about his complicated relationship with Edward. James silently listened to the comedy of errors Jasper's love life had become. By the end of his tale, Jasper met James' eyes and saw only sympathy.

James knew he had fallen in love with Jasper, but he acknowledged that his love was not the one Jasper needed. Taking a deep breath and smiling sadly, he decided to help Jasper reconnect with Edward.

_Showing me the path long forgotten..._


	96. Chapter 96

_Showing me the path long forgotten..._

Late at night, when only the whimpering of the wounded broke through the silence, Jasper would lay awake brooding over all the events that had led him to that point in his life. Even though he had to concede to James' observation that many times he could have handled things better, it was also true that Edward's actions had been the main catalyst for their broken relationship.

However, his own attitude was the sole responsible for keeping both of them in a hellish limbo where they were apart but never truly separated. Jasper had to grow up emotionally, like James had wisely suggested, he had to learn how to forgive and let go and never let pride get in the way of true love. He had to learn how to communicate without shouting accusations and stop the juvenile tendency to self destruct in a vain attempt to hurt Edward.

He was a man of four and twenty, no longer prone to boyish tantrums, too afraid to reach for happiness. Jasper knew he would have to battle many demons that lurked in the shadows of his overactive mind, but Edward was worth it. And he knew exactly what his first step towards salvation should be.

He wrote Edward a letter.

_Pouring my heart on a letter..._


	97. Chapter 97

_Pouring my heart on a letter..._

Leaving the tight embrace of Emmett's strong arms, Edward's tremulous hands broke the seal of the letter he unconsciously had been praying for, and his spirit soared on the message it contained...

"_Saudade, I'm overwhelmed by it. It permeates every single corner of my life, dictates every single step I take, for my deepest wish is to find my way back to you._

_The many sins I've committed against our love torment my mind to the point of exhaustion, and even then sleep is no reprieve from the errs of my past. _

_My silence has been a weapon, on an undeclared war of wounded pride and repentance. My feeble attempts to hurt you were also acts of self destruction._

_However, I can't afford pride anymore for I love you. Unconditionally. Completely. And soon, I will be back to reclaim my place within your heart._

_The past, no matter how recent it may be, no longer matters. All is forgiven, all is forgotten._

_It's time to become everything we were always meant to be."_

And that simple letter was everything.

_Beyond the words you saw the feelings unwritten..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>When you are angry, you feel anger. When you are hungry, you feel hunger. But when you miss someone what do you feel? "Saudade", is the Portuguese word for that feeling.


	98. Chapter 98

_Beyond the words you saw the feelings unwritten..._

Despite the general consensus, he was not slow witted, it's just that sometimes the choice to keep his conclusions to himself seemed the most prudent course of action. So, he pretended to ignore the contents of the letter that was about to annihilate his happiness.

He was determined to steal as much time with Edward as possible, as much intimacy as his lover's conscience would allow, make enough memories to warm the cold nights the future would hold.

He enticed Edward into making love, trying desperately to sway his heart even if just a little. Coaxing his lover into a prolonged climax, Emmett clung to Edward's body, holding on to a love that had always been one sided.

But even his clouded mind could see the finality in Edward's eyes and acknowledge that night as a gift born out of gratitude. The love Emmett had done everything to secure, would never be his.

A farewell. He was forever out of Edward's life.

_However difficult, you always chose me..._


	99. Chapter 99

_However difficult, you always chose me..._

As long as sight could tell, Jasper's wounds were completely healed. His skin would forever bear the scars of his brush with death and his limping leg would be a constant reminder of his ordeal. However, only James knew how much pain Jasper felt, how every step he took was an act of bravery.

Having exhausted all his recourses, James knew it was time for Jasper to go seek more qualified care, in London. But his wishes as a doctor did not coincide with the things the man yearned for. Nevertheless, James was wise enough to realize that there was no point in pressing the issue of his feelings.

Therefore it was time to say goodbye. The men hugged, one drowning in _éros_, the other warmed by _philia_, promising to keep in touch. Their friendship sealed with a gentle brush of their lips, a light caress that would stock the fires of James passion for a long time.

_And I've always chosen you, even when I tried to deny it..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>_Éros_ and _philia _are greek words for different types of love. _Philia_ stands for a virtuous kind of love, devoid of passion, like in friendship. _Éros_ is a more complicated concept, but in brief notes could be understood as love that even though sensual in essence is a means of transcending the merely material aspect, becoming spiritual. There is also _agape_, the true love, deeper than eros, for it doesn't need the physical aspect to thrive.


	100. Chapter 100

_And I've always chosen you, even when I tried to deny it..._

For the hundredth time Jasper adjusted his coat, brushing away inexistent linens, trying to keep a façade of unaffected disinterest with just a hint of haughtiness. After all, he was now Major Whitlock. He could not help chuckling cynically at that notion, for he could not think of someone more ill fitted for the position.

There was nothing idealistic about war, just the devastation of death and plague, of killing and dying for notions much smaller than compassion. He was weary of war and its undignified glories; as soon as possible he was selling his commission. No longer a soldier, just a man advocating the necessity of peace.

His leg was throbbing from the prolonged effort of standing for so long in the deck, not even the cane was able to relieve the strain. Surrendering to the demands of his imperfect anatomy, he slowly returned to his cabin.

Putting his feet up like James had instructed, Jasper sighed unhappily at the memory of his doctor. James was a good, destined to save many lives, and change a large number of them. And Jasper knew his doctor had fallen in love with him and to some degree Jasper loved him too. Like a friend, like a man he admired, like a man he would take to his bed and hold close to his heart, if it didn't already belong to the other half of his soul.

Edward. Feelings deeper than love, desire more intense than hunger, consumed his body, soul and mind, their connection unexplainable, even to himself. Their longing deeper than need, bordering on obsession, transcending the lines of rational and emotional, existing in a dimension yet to be explored by any other beings.

Within the hour the ship would be reaching the docks. Anxious lovers would be waiting for the soldiers. There would be hugs and kisses, giggling and happiness. He held no illusions that Edward would be waiting for him. Jasper was aware of the long path they had towards healing their wounded hurts. However, no matter how trying their future might be, he was determined to never leave Edward's side again.

Having rested somewhat, he rose, straightened his clothes and slowly went to the deck. Just an hour to reach England. How much time to reach Edward, he wondered.

* * *

><p>"<em>Nothing can obliviousness<em>

_Against the meaningless_

_Appeal of No." (Carlos Drummond de Andrade, in "Memórias")_

Had he changed much or nothing at all, Edward mused. His appearance had surely changed, for the best he was sure. Losing the lankiness of youth, his body was lean and powerful, muscles cultivated by a rigid routine of boxing and fencing. The angles of his face were sharper, more defined, his features having acquired a feline beauty. Many times, his lovers had called him a work of art. And now standing naked before the mirror he could only agree with their assessment. But inside he was no longer a boy, he was a man well versed on the pleasures of the flesh.

A curtain of wariness descended into his heart, for he doubted that Jasper's jealous nature would be able to deal with the fact that he had known many lovers while Jasper was away at war. A twinge of guilt tried to insinuate itself, but he efficiently smouldered it, for he had not betrayed Jasper.

Ever since the incident on Jasper's country house, Edward had remained stubbornly chaste, patiently waiting for the day he would be welcomed back into his lover's embrace. When came the time, they made love but it was not a reconciliation, just a nostalgic way of saying goodbye.

But even after Jasper's deployment Edward kept hoping, for he was still committed to their love. For four years he virtuously waited for any signal coming from Jasper, a note, a letter, anything, for he knew that his beloved needed space so he respected it. Anyway he looked at the situation the conclusion remained the same, Jasper had to be the one to break the silence since the separation was due to his will, and trying to hurry the process could be the final straw that would completely destroy their relationship.

On a particularly gloomy day, he literally stumbled upon Emmett, who happened to have been released from his duties to the Earl of Masen years before. Edward's hopeless love coupled with Emmett's lascivious grin resulted on a rough, sweaty, gloriously satisfying dalliance.

Later, eaten by remorse, Edward broke his promise to respect Jasper's wishes and broached the silence, writing desperate words, pleading and menacing, stating and asking, a letter underlined with his own feelings. After another year had passed and no response had come, Edward was forced to accept the finality of their separation.

For the past year, Edward had devoted himself to the fine art of being a dandy and a rake, but vanity was a poor substitute for love, and lust was insipid when not seasoned with love. It did not stop him from pursuing every male that looked his way. Keeping Emmett as one would keep a mistress was another testament to his dissolute ways. Even though Emmett would often complain of Edward's promiscuity, he had never denied his protector, sometimes even joining him in a _ménage a trois_.

Edward's bedroom skills made him a legend and soon he no longer had to hunt his prey, they fought over a spot on his bed. Some of Edward's conquests even claimed they had never felt unnatural desires before but couldn't help being swayed by the attraction his beauty and blatant sexuality posed.

He had been content with his frivolous pursuits, until a single piece of paper with simple words that simmered with unspoken promises and unrelenting love had changed everything. No, he would not regret his choices, but he asked himself if Jasper would be able to cope with them.

Sighing, he knew only time would tell. Meanwhile, he had to strive to look his best, carefully choosing a shade of blue that highlighted the blue over the green in his eyes. Smiling happily with the result, he left the house with only lightness in his heart, for finally it had come the day of Major Whitlock's return.

* * *

><p>"<em>If I should meet thee<em>

_After long years_

_How should I greet thee?_

_With silence and tears"... (Lord Byron)_

Jasper's limping leg provided the perfect excuse for his delay in disembarking, but truth be told he wanted to stay a little behind, clinging to the vain hope that somehow Edward would be waiting among the crowd, eager to welcome him.

Shaking his head at his own exceedingly romantic notions, he turned his attention towards the myriad of human emotions playing on the faces of the unnamed people surrounding him. There was a young man fiercely hugging a girl, probably his childhood sweetheart, given their age. The girl laughed freely, evidently overjoyed by the boy's return. A portly man patted the back of a younger version of himself, his eyes swimming with restrained love. The younger one smiled broadly his arms twitching to embrace the man who was obviously his father.

A woman screamed a pray to God, unabashedly crying, encircling in her arms three very young, very embarrassed men. Looking the other way, Jasper saw two tiny girls fiercely clinging to the legs of an officer who, against all rules of polite society, passionately kissed his plump wife. Feeling a fierce stab of envy he sought something else to occupy his eyes with.

A lonely old man walked aimless among the people, searching for someone that was not there. The man found Jasper's eyes, smiled resignedly and simply kept walking. Saddened by the view, Jasper lowered his eyes and brooded over the unfortunate similarities between him and the old man.

A pair of shiny black hessian boots caught his attention. They were exceedingly clean and shiny, obviously belonging to an upscale owner. Since said owner did not seem inclined to move out of his way, Jasper tried to step around him.

But, for some unexplainable reason he stopped mid movement and raised his eyes to the face of the man who was standing before him. Shocked beyond words, Jasper could only stare at the features of an older Edward, the only man he had ever truly loved.

Edward was an improved version of himself, all sharp angles and feral grace. Taller and much broader than he had been six years ago, Jasper was in awe of his beauty and startled by the emotion brimming in his eyes.

For his part, Edward could barely recognize Jasper, had it not been for his unmistakable brown eyes, he would never be able to see in this man any traces of the boy he had fallen in love with. This man's skin was slightly bronzed and his hair cut much shorter than current fashion. His physique was so developed that it put to shame Edward's elegant muscles. The man exuded power and demanded respect, not even his limping leg detracted from his powerfully masculine charm.

Their blatant perusal, brought smiles to both of their lips. It was an awkward attempt to relief the almost palpable tension that simmered between them. However, the sudden realization that despite the physical changes they were still the same stroke both of them at the same time.

And gradually, they entered a realm of their own, where no crowd surrounded them and no amount of time had ever passed. There was only one moment, the moment of beautiful completion, before they were ever separated and made two. It was a moment that traced back to before time had started and rules had been invented. There was only love and pure, unadulterated bliss.

On that idyllic moment, a lifetime of love played before their eyes, loving and holding until their last breath. A love lived in liberty, never constrained by rules of moral or religious dogmas, there was only the ethereal rightness of living according to your feelings, never denying or regretting who they were.

For the first time, they understood the power of their connection, the purity of their feelings, the nature of their love; and that happiness was theirs for the taking if they dared to reach for it. No mundane reason could ever break them apart, no distance could dim their feelings, no time could ever erase their bond.

To the world only a second had passed, for the two lovers many lifetimes had come and gone, they experienced infinite reunions, on different times and exotic places. It could be interpreted as a glimpse of things past and future, or a mere shared illusion, depending on how romantic a heart is.

Coming back to their present, something of magical remained, for they were no longer burdened with mistakes and misunderstandings, sins and distance, they were merely two halves of a whole that happened to have found each other. They were pure and innocent, like they had been when they held hands and ran freely through the forest.

Just like it had been on their first encounter, no words were said for they had never been necessary between them. Only silence and tears marked their reunion. And just like before, they turned their backs to everything that was socially acceptable and held hands, happy in the knowledge that they had each other.

* * *

><p>"<em>Sex is emotion in motion." (Mae West)<em>

Edward's bedroom was an exuberant mixture of passion and decadence, exquisitely decorated to entice the senses into sexual awareness. Despite, the heady feeling the room evocated, it was kept as a safe haven from the depravity of its owner's conquests, for he had always hoped, even though unconsciously, to share it with Jasper. And he could never taint their lovemaking with the memories of his iniquities, so Edward had maintained it as a shrine to his beloved.

Gently, Edward stroke Jasper's face marvelling in the miracle of his presence. Feeling the still surprisingly smooth skin, Edward smiled and tentatively took a step towards Jasper. Lovingly cupping his cheek, Edward brought their faces closer, their lips hovering on the edge of a much anticipated kiss.

"Te amo, te quiero", Jasper whispered, breaking Edward's control, since even though the meaning of the words was lost on him, he was smart enough to guess they were a declaration of love.

Closing his eyes, Edward surrendered to the power of his desire, allowing his hungry tongue to search for Jasper's taste. Moaning softly Edward massaged Jasper's tongue, eliciting an untamed grunt of appreciation.

Jasper's hands tangled in Edward's hair, tugging slightly, he changed the angle of the kiss, so that he could go deeper. Edward's gasp of approval was followed by a slight movement of his hands, reaching for buttons and hooks, relieving Jasper of his coat.

Jasper responded by taking a step away from Edward, who whined in dismay. Chuckling, Jasper proceeded to slowly undress his beloved, trailing kisses along the recently uncovered skin, alternating between licking and biting.

Staring at Edward's bared chest, Jasper was awed by the chiselled perfection of it. Taking one nipple into his mouth, he sucked and nibbled, taking it between his teeth and pulling gently, salivating over its elongated loveliness. Attending to its twin, Jasper's expert fingers played with the abandoned nipple, keeping it erect and vying for more attention.

Edward pushed his chest into Jasper's mouth urging him on, frantically twisting his finger into his blond hair, holding Jasper to his sensitive nipple. Jasper harshly bit Edward's over sensitized flesh, adding a little bit of pain to enhance the pleasure.

Lost on a haze of frustrated desire, it took some time for Edward to realize that Jasper's body remained covered. Looking into Jasper's eyes, he could see a flicker of self-consciousness, but it was gone just as quick as it had come.

Jasper stilled himself for the horror, he would certainly see on Edward's eyes. His skin had once been flawless, but the war had marred it, robbing it of its smoothness. Jasper knew he was no longer handsome and it pained him greatly, for Edward was not merely beautiful, he was perfect.

Edward had no need for words he understood promptly and strived to give his lover the reassurance he obviously needed. Edward tenderly removed Jasper's shirt, kissing and licking every scar. Carefully, he sucked Jasper's disfigured nipple, drawing from his lover a cry of satisfied gratitude, for accepting his imperfections.

Sinking to his knees, Edward lowered Jasper's breeches. Jasper stiffened, his whole body anxiously waiting for his beloved's response to the ugliest mark war had given him. Gazing into Jasper's eyes, Edward lovingly licked the entire length of his lover's old wound, from his outer knee to his inner thigh. Jasper could not contain the tear of gratitude that escaped his eye.

Softly rubbing Jasper's sack, Edward slowly collected his beloved's moisture, moaning in approval. Jasper's taste was unique, perfectly designed to his appetite. Running his tongue along the throbbing vein of Jasper's member, Edward slowly probed the entrance to his lover's body, moistening the rim, easing the entrance for his finger.

Taking his lover's entire length into his skilled mouth, Edward slowly fingered Jasper's hole. The double attack was maddening in its intensity, almost driving Jasper over the edge. Only his military discipline prevented the orgasm that threatened to overtake his senses.

Urging Edward up, Jasper nibbled on his earlobe, whispering his love and pleasure, making promises of heart and body. Spattering kisses down Edward's neck, Jasper made quick work of his lover's breeches, freeing his engorged flesh for the caresses of his eager hand.

It had been a long time since Jasper had stroked another man's member, however it was an ability he could never lose. Resting his head on Edward's shoulder, his calloused palms had Edward impatiently thrusting on his hand. And when Jasper's nail ran along the tiny slit at the head of Edward's shaft, he almost spilt, for he loved his pleasure to come with a healthy dose of pain.

Lying on the bed, Jasper held his hand, quietly inviting Edward to join him. They kissed roughly, frantically thrusting their hips, rubbing their members together, feeling the stabs of their hard nipples. Sliding on the bed, Jasper's tongue savagely entered Edward's body, followed by scissoring fingers.

Edward readily understood Jasper's urgency and recognized his lover's care in preparing his body for the intrusion. In the past, they had preferred positions where Edward was bending over, allowing a deeper, more powerful penetration. However, Edward was aware of Jasper's current limitations, so he lay on his side, allowing Jasper's entrance from behind.

It was a sweet loving position, one Jasper enjoyed greatly, nibbling on Edward's neck and playing with his nipples. Jasper timed his slow thrusting with his kisses, heightening the sensations coursing through Edward's body. Enjoying the intimacy the position provided, Jasper forgot about the restrictions his injured leg presented.

Jasper's slight wince of pain was quickly noticed by Edward, who chastised himself for being so unkind, as not to think of Jasper's comfort. Rolling Jasper on his back, Edward kissed his lover with all the power of his fervour, smoothly guiding Jasper's engorged flesh inside his waiting body.

Sinking slowly on Jasper's shaft, Edward moaned in agonized pleasure, for he had never encountered a lover as well endowed as Jasper. Edward started to move, first hesitantly, but little by little his passion started to burn, demanding more powerful strokes. So he almost let Jasper slid out of his body before rapidly engulfing his lover's entire length within his heat.

Edward rode Jasper's member in wild abandon, moaning and crying, begging for Jasper's hand on his deprived flesh. Jasper's mouth watered at the sight of Edward's bouncing member, marvelling in the view of Edward's excitement.

When Jasper's hand lightly encircled Edward's almost purple flesh, a rumble surged from Edward's throat and without notice the most powerful orgasm he had ever experienced shook his body and muddled his mind.

Feeling Edward's hot seed on his hand, Jasper felt the need to drink his lover's come. Eagerly licking every single drop, Edward's taste was all that took to trigger his own orgasm and in one powerful thrust he spilled his seed deep inside Edward, marking him once again as his man.

Panting, Edward rolled to the side throwing his arm over his eyes he laughed softly overwhelmed by happiness. Jasper chuckled in response, bringing his lover to his chest. They quietly snuggled, lost in the beauty of what had just happened.

When their breath had evened out and their hearts resumed their normal paces, they started to talk. Jasper spoke of war and pain, about the hours he spent missing his beloved. Edward spoke of the bleakness of an existence spent on physical gratification. To Edward's amazement Jasper never overreacted to the tales of his lovers, even though he spared no details. By the end of his lover's rant Jasper simply asked for a vow of fidelity, which Edward swiftly gave, for he would never yearn for another man's touch.

Edward inwardly cursed a great deal, when he heard about James' infatuation and could not deny the sour taste of jealousy he felt by observing the admiration and respect Jasper felt for the man. He suddenly had a newfound respect for Jasper's bouts of jealous anger all those years ago.

No matter, where their insecurities lay, they soothed each other's battered hearts and when sleep came it led the recently reacquainted lovers to shared dreams of a bright future.

_We were whole and holy, sanctified in our love..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>"Te amo, te quiero", is spanish for "I love you, I want you."


	101. Chapter 101

_We were whole and holy, sanctified in our love..._

For the third time that week Jasper had to deal with the disappointing diagnosis all the doctors seemed to agree with, there was nothing that could be done for him. They said it was a miracle that his leg had not been amputated. However, he knew better, James had done everything and beyond in order to prevent the loss of his leg, for the simple reason that Jasper had begged the physician to spare it.

The overcast sky was a perfect reflection of his dark mood. A lifetime spent in almost unbearable pain or the prospect of facing a surgery in order to "remove the cause", as the last doctor so gently put. The first doctor had suggested bleeding as a way to let the pain out, a notion that appalled Jasper for its patent stupidity. He could not understand the connection between the procedure and the expected result, but then again, he betted neither did the doctor.

That left only laudanum as a way of dealing with the pain. The cavalier attitude the doctors had towards the drug was disturbing, for he had witnessed the devastating effects of it. Jasper had seen men writhing in despair, willingly to do anything for just another drop of the tincture.

Only the prospect of seeing Edward muted his frustration.

_In your arms the pain faded away..._


	102. Chapter 102

_In your arms the pain faded away..._

Relaxing into Edward's chest, still flying high on the elation of having just made love, Jasper related everything the doctors had said. Edward was more than a little concerned for his beloved. Jasper never complained, but Edward could see the strain of pain in his features, the way his limp was more pronounced by the end of the day.

Edward was not sure how to broach the subject, for he had to find a way of talking about his lover's condition without implying that he somehow had become less of a man. Edward had been with enough males to know how easily their pride could be hurt and how violent their reaction might be.

Recognizing Edward's signs of stress, Jasper quickly grasped the reason behind it. Unwittingly, he had been shutting Edward out, in an unconscious effort to protect his lover from the harsh reality of his physical limitations. Taking a deep breath, Jasper exposed the entire situation, every single aspect thoroughly discussed.

Afterwards, Jasper felt lighter, his condition no longer as despairing as it had been.

_More than my lover, my confidant..._


	103. Chapter 103

_More than my lover, my confidant..._

Returning home from an afternoon spent at the endless pursuit for the most exquisite fabrics, Edward found a missive sent by the Viscount Courtenay, who happened to be a neighbour of his father's country seat.

However, he was sidetracked by his lover's amorous mood. Jasper's enthusiasm deeply amused Edward, for it was a direct result of a little teasing he had mischievously engaged in that morning. Leaving his lover unsatisfied, Edward knew he would be collecting the rewards the moment he stepped inside the house.

Taking Edward hard and fast, Jasper's thrusts were so powerful that Edward's feet left the ground. Delighting in the roughness, Edward moaned in pleasurable pain, delighting on the delicious feeling of being completely overpowered. The harsh slap Jasper delivered had Edward screaming his orgasm at the top of his lungs. Jasper followed him, triggered by the tight grip of his lover's inner walls.

Tenderly kissing, his recently ravished lover, Jasper urged him to a chaise where they settled for a little, restorative nap.

The letter would only be remembered in the morning.

_We were playful and untroubled..._


	104. Chapter 104

_We were playful and untroubled..._

The vigorous activities of the previous evening were taking its toll on his throbbing leg. Getting out of bed, Jasper had gasped in agonized despair at the strength of the pain that shot through him. Edward had swiftly offered his assistance, gently sustaining part of Jasper's body. Only Edward's teary eyes betrayed how much Jasper's plight hurt him.

Whispering reassurances, Jasper had subtly dismissed Edward, for he could not stand the thought of his lover's concern over every wince he knew was coming. Ringing for his valet, a quiet man who had long ago grown accustomed with his master's unnatural behaviour, Edward left Jasper in his capable hands, for he sensed that's what Jasper needed.

Slowly making his way downstairs, Jasper wondered if he would ever get used to this unholy feeling of unworthiness. Entering the morning room he exhaled in relief as he sat, the footman serving his plate as directed. Another small act he had been robbed of.

Edward came just moments later, taking the chair next to Jasper's. They flirted and talked, feeding each other small bites from their plates; a happy domestic scene about to be disrupted by the reappearance of a certain letter.

_But perfection could never be maintained..._


	105. Chapter 105

_But perfection could never be maintained..._

Loss surely should feel more devastating, Edward pondered. He was eerily calm, though. Having witnessed emotional outbursts in the past, he thought he ought to have one, but it never came. It was just news about people who should have meant more than they actually did. And that truly was the most disheartening thing about the situation.

Was he a bad person for not caring, he asked himself. However, he was not completely indifferent, he felt some degree of hurt over the episode. Although it did not amount to anything more than slightly upsetting, not even meriting a single tear, he felt sorry for what had happened.

Surely, the shivers running down his spine and the sudden weakness of his knees, meant nothing more than fatigue due to something he could not quite remember. The pounding of his heart was just mere anxiety over the never ending obligations and responsibilities coming his way.

The sudden need for Jasper's strong arms was merely a lover's desire for intimacy, nothing to do with the letter he still held in his hand.

_Happiness so easily lost..._


	106. Chapter 106

_Happiness so easily lost..._

Slowly prying the letter from Edward's clutching fingers, Jasper could barely manage to move his eyes from his lover's abnormally pale face, so he just skimmed over it. Nevertheless, the message that emerged from the few words he actually read was clear. The Earl and the Countess of Masen were dead. Edward's parents had perished due to a carriage accident.

Troubled, Jasper stared at Edward's frozen countenance. Gripped by concern, he could almost see the wheels of Edward's overactive mind turning, trying to find a way to deny the pain he surely was feeling. Gently coaxing Edward out of his own inferno, Jasper whispered words of consolation, offering his love, his support; assuring his beloved that eventually the pain would dull, begging his lover to have faith.

Sobbing Jasper's name, Edward threw himself into his lover's awaiting arms, breaking down, finally agonizing over the terrible deaths of his only living family. From the depths of his soul rose a silent cry of rough misery, a silent testament of a love that even though not fully corresponded by its recipients had never dwindled or died.

_Feverish pray to take away your pain..._


	107. Chapter 107

_Feverish pray to take away your pain..._

The pungent smell of recently cut pine could never overcome the repulsing odour of rotten flesh that relentlessly assaulted his nostrils, making his stomach turn and his eyes water. It was the putrid proof of the sad destiny that had befallen his parents. Dazedly, Edward noticed the profusion of hyacinths, a vain attempt to mask the stench of death.

A thin silken shroud encased the bodies, partially veiling the expressionless horror of faces frozen in death. Everything was carefully arranged to befit his parents' station, all courtesy of their neighbour the Viscount Courtenay, a man that had been systematically snubbed by Edward's father.

His only lifeline was Jasper's hand discreetly placed on his back, a show of support, a loan of strength. They had been dead for almost a week and for all that time the Viscount Courtenay had been trying to contact the stranged, aloof son of the Earl of Masen. Bile rose in his mouth, thinking that for days he had been carrying on like life had not been completely altered.

Sensing his distress, Jasper's thumb draw a little circle, a reminder that Edward was not alone. Resenting the mourners scattered around the death room, Edward tried to conquer the need for his lover's arms.

_Forbidden to give what you needed ..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: "<strong>death room" was how the living room was called before there were funeral houses.


	108. Chapter 108

_Forbidden to give what you needed ..._

Chocking on unshed tears, for it was unmanly to cry, Edward valiantly led the funeral procession, faithfully escorted by Jasper who disregarding tradition, rode beside Edward. Jasper's impressive presence and unbendable expression, dared anyone to even whisper a word of disapproval.

Withholding any display of emotion took all of Edward's concentration, so much that he was genuinely startled by the sound of Jasper clearing his throat. Bemused it took Edward some moments to realize that they had already reached St. Paul's Chapel of Ease, his parents' final resting place.

Dismounting, Edward felt a hand grasping his own, but before he could return the gesture it was already gone. Jasper's quiet infusion of courage had Edward slowly moving forward, entering a church for the first time in nine years.

Dazedly, he heard the priest's voice but could not understand his words, for he was ill prepared for the finality of death. Edward was thrust back into reality by the death nell, desperately realizing that his parents were already being lowered to the ground.

Forgetting everything but his grief Edward hugged Jasper sobbing on his shoulder.

_No common sense was enough to keep me from you..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>"death nell"- ringing of a church bell to announce one's burial.


	109. Chapter 109

_No common sense was enough to keep me from you..._

There would be rumours, Jasper was sure of it, but not even the scandal brewing before his eyes could have kept him from gently returning his lover's embrace. Edward's entire body shook with the violence of his sobs, his tears freely running down his face, his torment breaking his lover's heart.

Whispering soothing words, Jasper serenely coaxed Edward into a more sedated state. Rocking his lover's body, Jasper offered physical comfort running his fingers through Edward's hair. Regaining control, Edward felt his skin flushing with embarrassment and fear of exposure.

Evenly, he let go of Jasper, assuming a haughty persona, a defence learned long ago. Looking around he was relieved to notice that no one seemed to be paying attention to his reckless display, for most of the eyes were closed in silent pray while others watched the slow progression of the caskets into the ground.

Little did Edward know that two different people had already seen the quick exchange and already guessed the secret he had just betrayed.

_Your raw emotions bringing out the protector in me..._


	110. Chapter 110

_Your raw emotions bringing out the protector in me..._

Hindsight is an interesting thing, bringing to memory tiny details denouncing the crude reality before the Duke's eyes. Coming to his long time friend's funeral he never expected to find his son in attendance, since he had never sent notice of his return from war. However, the most devastating news was the one never stated, the one betrayed by the intimacy the Duke had just witnessed.

His first instinct had been to break the embrace and teach the boy a lesson, but that would create a scandal and he would not subject his heir to public scrutiny. So he held his tongue and reigned in his temper, searching the crowd for another witness to his son's depravity. He was almost sighing in relief when he met the laughing eyes of Kitty de Courtenay, who conspiratorially winked signalling his knowledge but promising his silence.

Enraged by his predicament, the Duke recalled how much fun he had derived from the speeches of Edmund Burke thirty years before. A commoner, Burke had been the laughing stock of the aristocracy for defending the sodomites. The Duke himself had given speeches in the House of Lords mocking Burke's "extreme preoccupation" with sodomy.

Until that moment he had never understood the full reach of the problem.

_So oblivious to the all seeing eyes of prejudice..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Fret not, dear readers. Kitty de Courtenay will come back in later chapters and we will learn a bit more about him. About Edmund Burke, remember him from the AN on Chapter 57? He defended the abolition of the pillory as punishment due to a sodomy case where one of the convicted died.


	111. Chapter 111

_So oblivious to the all seeing eyes of prejudice..._

Jasper was deeply surprised by his father's summons. They had not communicated for the past six years, since he had delivered the news of his departure to war. Understandably, the Duke had been less than pleased to see his son endanger the line of succession.

However, the Duchess' providential death three years ago had afforded the Duke the opportunity to remarry and sire another son, a spare for the eventuality of Jasper's demise. Something he promptly did, no more than seven months after his former wife's death.

He had known that eventually a confrontation would have to occur, Jasper just wished it would not be on the moment Edward needed him the most. He was certain of the subject his father wanted to discuss, since he had survived the war the continuity of the Whitlock's bloodline rested on his shoulders and for that a marriage was required.

Having tasted heaven and hell, Jasper knew with absolute certainty where his heart lay and refused to bend to the dictates of hypocrisy. It would surely be an interesting discussion.

_Armed for a war of wills..._


	112. Chapter 112

_Armed for a war of wills..._

Taking a deep breath, Jasper entered the impressive library that now belonged to his lover. Facing his father he did not offer any greeting, disregarding all rules of polite behaviour. He just stood defiant and proud daring his father to attempt to enforce his will.

However, he was not prepared for the tenderness in his father's eyes, the distress written on his face or the tight embrace of arms that had never touched him before. Stunned, Jasper carefully returned the gesture.

A low voice whispered on Jasper's ear the need for more discretion, for he had to protect himself against prying eyes in order to avoid the scorn of society. Jasper bitterly pushed the man away and left the library, angered by his father's extreme preoccupation with public image.

Left cold and unbalanced, the Duke never wondered the reason behind his son's rejection, since he knew his failures as a father. He had been neglectful at best, even though in his heart he had always cared. So much that he had been capable of putting his own convictions aside and try to protect his child.

Unbeknown to Jasper he had been offered love and acceptance, a gift that would go forever unaccepted.

_Preconception of mine, obscuring the light of love ..._


	113. Chapter 113

_Preconception of mine, obscuring the light of love ..._

Forgetting his leg, Jasper pushed himself into an angry stride, burning away the excessive energy of self-righteous anger. Purging his soul from the poisoning encounter, Jasper pushed his bitterness to the back of his mind, now it was not time to brood over his father's highhanded ways. Edward needed him and that was all that mattered.

He found Edward curled up in bed, crying silent tears, unseeing eyes fixed on an ethereal point beyond anyone's view. Stricken by his own selfishness, Jasper enveloped his beloved in the safety of his arms and said nothing, since no words could erase the tragedy Edward was experiencing.

Edward did not relish the feeling of helplessness that overpowered his senses since the moment he had walked into the manor. His loss had induced an all-consuming desire to regain some semblance of control in any way he could, for he could not abide by the notion that everything was left to chance. He needed security, a cornerstone to build himself a life.

He needed Jasper.

_My sole focus, your wellbeing..._


	114. Chapter 114

_My sole focus, your wellbeing..._

Like a fascinated artist observing a masterpiece, Jasper intently studied Edward's eyes, looking for a way to break through his pain and distress, to reach the amazing man beneath and sooth his aching heart.

And on that peculiar way of their own, they communicated and Jasper simply knew what should be done. Leaving the bed, Jasper slowly undressed himself, careful not to jostle his over exercised leg.

Sitting on the edge of the mattress, Jasper urged Edward up and tenderly removed his lover's shirt, stroking his chest. Edward's breeches fell to the ground revealing large aroused male flesh, swiftly swallowed by Jasper's eager mouth. His tongue caressing the underside of Edward's member, Jasper pressed against his perineum, enhancing his lover's pleasure.

Thrusting savagely, Edward marvelled at Jasper's accepting mouth and absence of gag reflex, allowing his flesh deep penetration into his lover's wet heat. Very skilled at fellatio, Jasper could fell the apex approaching.

Moaning softly at the feeling of his lover's jerking flesh Jasper was eager to savour his delicious essence, however he managed to refrain from pursuing his reward, for he knew that was not what Edward needed.

_Your taste so vivid on my tongue..._


	115. Chapter 115

_Your taste so vivid on my tongue..._

Gazing at his lover's soulful green eyes, Jasper lay on his back and opened his legs, a silent invitation for Edward's possession. Sitting down, Edward fitted Jasper's body between his thighs, gently positioning a cushion under his lover's injured leg.

Sliding his hands underneath Jasper, the tight hold on Jasper's hips gave Edward the upper hand, absolute control over their lovemaking. Slowly guiding his member, Edward's skill as a lover came in hand, for Jasper's hole was extremely difficult to breach, a tight rim of muscles fending off any kind of penetration, but Edward charmed his beloved's body into acceptance.

Deep inside Jasper, Edward felt in control, powerful, a man, no longer a child cowering from disastrous events controlled by fate. Tentatively rocking Jasper's body, Edward's lovemaking started unhurried and sweet but soon turned frenzied and unrestrained.

Flipping Jasper on his stomach, Edward covered his lover's body with his own. His strokes curt and rough had both man grunting and panting, pushing Jasper to climax without a single touch to his neglected manhood. Feeling his lover's contractions of delight, Edward bit his shoulder and spilled himself inside Jasper's awaiting body.

_The impression of his desire on my flesh..._


	116. Chapter 116

_The impression of your desire on my flesh..._

The glamour of London's whirlwind of diversions beckoned to Edward as sugar calls to ants, however he was no longer a carefree dandy, he was now an Earl responsible for the livelihood of a never ending number of depleted relatives, a magister to the village, a guide to the tenants and to top it all, soon he would be expected to take his seat at the House of Lords.

He was ill prepared for the task, having no knowledge of how to manage his states or his accounts, since he had always been pampered and spared from the realities of life. Edward felt himself drowning underneath the pressure of expectations and responsibilities, feeling an absurd urge to run away and hide in the continent.

Those moments of almost despair were cut short by the steadying touch of his lover's hand, who undertook the monumental task of helping Edward deal with his obligations. Jasper was calm and assertive, knowing when to push and to retrieve, helping those who needed it and refusing the opportunists.

They shared the desk working together in order to put to right the Earl of Masen's affairs.

_Side by side, companions, partners, lovers..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>The seat at the House of Lords used to be given by right of birth to hereditary peers, so Edward inherited the title and the seat. Nowadays, there is a new system where some seats follow the traditional rule (right of birth) while others are appointed.


	117. Chapter 117

_Side by side, companions, partners, lovers..._

Having just indulged in a morning tryst, Jasper's good mood had him humming softly underneath his breath. Life had fallen into a pattern of hard work and delightful intermissions; finally he was beyond contentment, more than happy, he was serene and giddy, a heady feeling of belonging to the moment, the place, the man.

That day was filled with petitioners vying for some generosity from the new Earl of Masen. Edward was to soft hearted to deal with the task, so it fell upon Jasper to sort through the sea of requests, searching for those made out of genuine need.

Diligently attending to his work, it was already middle afternoon when Jasper noticed that Edward had been absent from their shared study for quite some time now. Only late afternoon he had time to enquire the servants regarding Edward's whereabouts.

Jasper found his lover by the riverside, dipping his feet into Esex's placid water, Edward gazed at the horizon, seeking for answers that could only be found within the confines of his troubled mind. Sitting beside him, Jasper said nothing, only offered the comfort of his company.

_Your mind out of my reach..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>River Exe actually exists and is one of the limits to the property of the Earl of Devon.


	118. Chapter 118

_Your mind out of my reach..._

However, silence could only provide so much comfort and company was better appreciated at close range. So Edward sought the reassurance of Jasper's embrace and bravely spoke of his insecurities regarding the position he now held.

Jasper did not offer empty words destined to sooth, instead he encouraged Edward to attempt to learn and brace himself for failure, since it was unavoidable. His sincere advice gave Edward the strength he needed, for only truth could bring a man to his senses.

Smiling softly, the boys undressed and plunged into the water for a quick invigorating swim. Laughing and joking, they were once again boys who had never known the harsher realities of life.

Lying on the tall grass, surrounded by bluebells, waiting for the sun to dry their bodies, they softly talked about their plans for the future, reminiscing on sweet memories of times past. Drowsing on Edward's chest, Jasper slipped into a dream of bluebells and rivers, unaware of his lover's gaze whose heart was bursting with joy, for he had the love of his life and despite everything else happening in his life, that was all the blessing he could wish for.

_We were each other's rock..._


	119. Chapter 119

_We were each other's rock..._

Soon life had fallen into a routine, of predictable callers, boring work and conventional lovemaking. Edward felt stifled by country life and its quiet undemanding atmosphere. He preferred the bumbling excitement of unpredictable London, the erratic existence of indulging in forbidden delights.

Edward realized his life would not return to its frantic pace, that had been his youth. Now he had responsibilities and a partner whom he was sure would never agree to the debauched acts Edward had been so fond of in the recent past. Jasper had been a bit of a rake himself, but his innate jealousy where Edward was concerned would prevent any wicked act involving a third party.

And Edward himself was not sure if he could bear to let Jasper go to another, even though fleeting thoughts of indulging his urges with other men crossed Edward's mind from time to time. He would fantasize about an unnamed lover who would simply come and take him, whenever and wherever it suited him, no time for preliminaries, just absolute possession.

However, he knew Jasper was his heart, so he suppressed his urges and tried to adapt to a life he never wanted for himself.

_Your restlessness tugging at my heart..._


	120. Chapter 120

_Your restlessness tugging at my heart..._

Despite Edward's laudable attempts at playing the dotting lover, his discontentment was plain in every tense gesture, strained smile, snappy response. His unhappiness did not go unnoticed by Jasper, whose deeply rooted insecurities tried to surface, but being a mature, sensible man he neutralized the weaker part of his being and tried to reason why Edward seemed so miserable.

The realization that his lover missed life in the city, had Jasper sighing in resignation. Jasper loved living so close to nature, the endless issues that demanded his attention and the nights spent in the quiet comfort of Edward's bed. However, he would do anything for his beloved, even learn to appreciate a life he would rather avoid.

So he worked frantically day and nights, no more untimely trysts. Sometimes, he would not even go to sleep, he would just wash and change his clothes, restlessly trying to defeat the ever growing stack of papers on his desk. His military discipline a valuable asset on this battle for Edward's happiness.

Meanwhile, Edward felt melancholic and abandoned, the light of his life eluding his sight.

_Working hard for your happiness..._


	121. Chapter 121

_Working hard for your happiness..._

Coming home from a long walk, Edward was astonished by the frenetic activity disrupting the ever stale schedule of the servants. Something was happening and it gritted him that the master of the house was the very last to know. Irritated he went to the study in order to confront Jasper. However, his irritated charade died on his lips, for Jasper received him with a brilliant smile and the news of their return to London.

Bursting with happiness, Edward kissed Jasper, holding him tight, telling with his body all the gratitude he felt for what he now realized had been a herculean effort from his lover's part. Jasper weary mind was revived by the intensity of his desire for Edward, for they had not been intimate for the past weeks.

Easing Edward on the settee, Jasper hovered over him, fumbling with his buttons in his clumsy attempt to bare his lover's body. Chuckling, Edward brushed Jasper's hands away, starting to unbuttoning his trousers. Hastily, Jasper worked on his own buttons cursing softly at his unsuccessful endeavour.

A loud bang to the door interrupted them and the voice of the butler announced they had a caller. Kitty de Courtenay, Viscount Courtenay.

_Wary of anyone beyond us..._


	122. Chapter 122

_Wary of anyone beyond us..._

Life in isolation was not easy to survive. Forever marked as an outsider, William had paid dearly for what people usually referred to as an affair but for him it had been so much more. But he was lonely and unhappy, yearning for companionship. That's the reason he swallowed his pride and called on his neighbours, people who surely would be sympathetic to his plight.

Two polite, handsome men received him with all a tense smile upon their faces. They were obviously apprehensive about his unexpected visit. For the first time William wondered if it was possible that the men had no knowledge of the imbroglio with Beckford.

However the glint of curiosity on the younger man's eyes and the hardened jaw of the older one, betrayed their familiarity with his past scandal. A cold chill descended over William's spine and not for the first time he regretted his times, his inclinations, his lack of discretion.

Feeling unwelcomed, William kept his visit short, concentrating on common place subjects, congratulating them for their return to London. When the time for leaving came and they had exchanged the required pleasantries, William felt compelled advised the men to be more circumspect about their affection.

The stricken look on their faces made William chuckle in sad amusement.

_Like a vision of an unwanted future..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>William Courtenay, 9th Earl of Devon was a extremely interesting fellow. He had an affair with (or was seduced by?) a cousin, William Beckford, when they were thirteen and twenty one, respectively. The affair was made public by Courtenay's uncle and both man were shunned from polite society.


	123. Chapter 123

_Like a vision of an unwanted future..._

Bemused by the glimpse of loneliness he caught on Courtenay's eyes Jasper amorous mood dimmed into non-existence, much to Edward's annoyance. However, nothing could eclipse Edward's exuberance at the prospect of finally returning to London.

Jasper's taciturn countenance went unnoticed by Edward who was completely absorbed by the preparations for their departure. Shrouded by a mist of sympathy, Jasper wondered how would it feel like to live apart from polite society, for his mind could not help but trace parallels between Courtenay and himself. And his soul answered that he would not mind as long as Edward remained by his side.

Wondering about Edward's reaction to a possible scandal, Jasper could only conclude that his lover would wither under public scrutiny, for he yearned for approval. Without his cronies Edward would feel barefoot, for he longed for their envy and compliments. His beloved was a social being who deserved to blossom into the kind of diamond only the ton could appreciate.

So Jasper promised himself that come what may, he would fight as a ruthless mercenary to preserve Edward's right to shine.

_An oaf for your everlasting happiness..._


	124. Chapter 124

_An oaf for your everlasting happiness..._

Three days later, Jasper walked aimlessly through the sheet covered furniture of the house that against all odds had been the stage for the happiest period of his life. Life here had been easy and fulfilling, love and obligation easily balanced by the absence of external influences.

He had no misconception about how challenging it would be to maintain their relationship harmonious when bombarded with the need for secrecy and the unavoidable temptations of freely offered flesh. It wouldn't be easy but he was determined to make it work, if for nothing else, just to enjoy the delightful smile that Edward had been wearing all morning.

Not even his joy had blinded Edward to the sacrifice Jasper was making for the sake of his happiness. However, he made a silent promise to see that Jasper never regretted their moving, for he would do anything within his power to see to his beloved's security and wellbeing.

Inside the carriage, Edward sat on Jasper's good leg, his fingers playing the blond locks, showering kisses on his beloved's laughing face. And without a hint of sadness he said goodbye to his family's ancient state.

_Happy, loved, confident..._


	125. Chapter 125

_Happy, loved, confident..._

The scintillating whirlwind of shallow pursuits was Edward's natural habitat. Under the gas lights his brilliancy was unparalleled, his success undeniable. Edward did not move within the _beau monde_, he was it.

On a time were _ennui_ was the rule, Edward vibrated with unrestrained passion, a vivacious young man, witty, handsome and polite. So unique he could have been dimmed an original, however his charisma prevented any derogatory comments, for it was impossible not to like him, envy him, want him; especially after he had inherited the title.

Staving off the unwanted company of the most dissolute members of the ton proved to be a bit of a challenge, since they used to be his most reliable companions. Sometimes, he felt the bite of temptation, his baser instincts pushing him into the path of carnal excess.

However, no matter how much the rake within screamed for freedom, the man knew that love was never a prison, and the rake was just someone who would have to perish under the force of the man's will.

_The thrill of temptation menacing the lull of love..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>_Ton_ was the polite society. _Beau monde _indicated the _crème de la crème_ of polite society. _Original_ was a polite way of saying entertainingly weird.


	126. Chapter 126

_The thrill of temptation menacing the lull of love..._

Amongst the ton, Jasper was lost and desolate like the boy he had once been. He no longer thrived on the inconsequential attentions of the few females that braved his forbidding scowl, nor did he care for the covetous glances the molly dandies discreetly threw him. The endless need for a new diversion only another proof of the ton's degenerate ways.

Long ago, he had been a diamond of the first class himself, delighting in all the admiring eyes following him. But he had been to war and seen all the ugly truths the spoiled ladies and lords had been systematically protected against. Happy in their ignorance, they never spared a sympathetic thought for those less fortunate than themselves. Spoiled brats, the lot of them.

So he became the male version of a wallflower, moving in the fringes of the events Edward insisted they must attend. While Edward had fun, Jasper simply watched the theatre of unnecessary human drama, a spectator to his peer's idiocy, a cynical scholar who loathed his subject.

_An outsider in a world that should have been my own..._


	127. Chapter 127

_An outsider in a world that should have been my own..._

Edward strived to fulfill the vacuum he could sense forming within his beloved's soul. Everyday some of the light of Jasper's eyes would fade, making Edward feel guilty and scared. He wondered if Jasper was once again slipping through his fingers, if he would forever be a distant dream never to be attained.

He knew how imbecile he must seem to his lover, how useless his pleasures were and how shallow the things he enjoyed. Nevertheless, they were all a part of him, of the man who emerged from the failed love affair of his boyhood. Sometimes, looking at the wonderful man his lover had become, Edward wondered how Jasper could ever love someone like him.

Undeserving as he was, Edward had no intention of letting Jasper go. He was going to do anything within his power in order to keep Jasper forever, starting by dissolving this wallflower attitude, something so unbecoming of his lover. Edward walked the whole length of the ballroom looking into Jasper's eyes, leaving no doubt where he was heading.

_My lion, so beautiful and purposeful..._


	128. Chapter 128

_My lion, so beautiful and purposeful..._

Whisking away a very willingly prey, Edward locked the door of the presumably empty parlour and hastily entwined his body with Jasper's, seeking his mouth for the decadent feel of decadent male. Chuckling at his lover's ardour, Jasper vaguely wondered what had prompted his avid behaviour. However all rational thought was abandoned in favour of the amazing feel of Edward's attentions to his hardened flesh.

On his knees, Edward was a marvellous sight to behold, but soon he stood up and pushed Jasper into a near divan. Sitting down, Jasper almost came when Edward straddled his hips forcefully rubbing their eager fleshes into a crescendo of amazing desire. Edward had other plans, turning his back to his lover's chest, he slowly welcomed Jasper inside his body.

A primal urge to slam into Edward, almost took hold of Jasper, but this was not his game of seduction, so he gladly ceded all control to his lover. Edward's rhythm never faltered, not even the time he twisted his head and planted a devouring kiss on his lover's warm mouth.

_Exquisite seduction..._


	129. Chapter 129

_Exquisite seduction..._

Knowing his lover's preference for forceful lovemaking, Jasper flipped Edward on his stomach, holding his face against the cushion. Licking the shell of his beloved's ear, Jasper called him wicked names, much to Edward's excitement. Ignoring the searing pain on his bent leg, Jasper slammed into Edward, extricating a moan of painful delight from the subjugated lover.

Jasper felt the first ripples of rapture running through Edward, so he increased the speed of his thrusts and tightened the hold on Edward's throat, ravaging his lover's body with the power of his possession. Chocking on his own screams of pleasure, Edward felt the scalding proof of his lover's enjoyment trickling down his thighs.

The weight of Jasper's weary body, had Edward smiling in contentment. Jasper lay on his side and pulled Edward to his chest, gently running his finger through lover's hair. Murmuring loving words of concern for Edward's wellbeing, Jasper almost had Edward weeping in joy, the perfection of the moment overwhelming his senses.

A low sigh coming from the other end of the parlour had both men jumping in terror.

_A loving tryst interrupted by reality..._


	130. Chapter 130

_A loving tryst interrupted by reality..._

From the shadows the well known figure of Lord Cullen emerged, a lazy smile on his lips he thanked the boys for their exciting performance. Distressed by the way Lord Cullen's eyes lingered on Jasper's bared skin, Edward's sharp remark had the inconvenient man laughing cynically.

Jasper felt awkward facing the man who had once been his dearest friend, confidant and unexpected lover. Offering no apology for his voyeuristic ways, Lord Cullen pledged secrecy, assuring that no whisper about the interlude he had just witnessed would ever leave his lips. Feeling the truth behind the man's words, Jasper felt himself relax slightly.

Meanwhile Edward was hastily dressing and seeing Jasper's unmoving form he urged his lover to do the same. The spell he had been under was broken but Jasper could only wonder the reason why the estrangement of the past six years did nothing to diminish the sense of familiarity he felt towards Lord Cullen.

Truth be told, Jasper missed their old companionship and when he met Lord Cullen's eyes he saw a perfect mirror of his own emotions.

_A ghost from an unsettling past..._


	131. Chapter 131

_A ghost from an unsettling past..._

Following the encounter, a strange abysm of strained silence imposed itself between the lovers. Neither commented on the subject, but it was always there, a terrible menace waiting to disrupt the tenuous truce they tacitly created.

Edward was extremely unsettled, for the only thing he could feel towards Carlisle was distrust, the man was a never ending pool of malicious intentions, in his opinion. However, he could see Jasper had softer emotions for the man, despite the episode Edward referred to as rape but Jasper saw as a mere mistake.

Staying true to his vow, Edward swallowed his pride and suspicions, never offering any kind of disapproval of timid friendship forming between his lover and Lord Cullen. They would talk if they were at the same events or the same clubs but never in private and never about anything of consequence.

What truly bothered Edward was the number of occasions that they coincidently seemed to be at the same place, at the same time. Somehow he doubted those events had anything to do with luck.

_His spectrum hovering over our heads..._


	132. Chapter 132

_His spectrum hovering over our heads..._

Some relationships could never be mended once the foundations of trust and mutual respect had been eroded by the vicious force of depravity. What had been beautiful was a mere memory, something that could never be revived, for the actors could no longer innocently stage the same scenes.

Jasper could no longer fool himself into believing that he wished for Lord Cullen's friendship. The boy he had been truly admired the man he used to think of as his mentor, however the man saw little to applaud on the rake that relentlessly sought his company. Jasper finally understood that he had been yearning for the idealized relationship viewed through the eyes of a lonely eighteen year old.

Between going to war and coming back to Edward, his need for a mentor vanished, for he was now a self-assured man, someone who no longer feared loneliness or abandonment. He had grown out of the binds of his own making and now was free to love and be loved.

Nevertheless, he was too polite to rebuff Lord Cullen's desperate attempts to engage him in conversation and too wise to allow any semblance of intimacy.

_A needy man determined to wake the past..._


	133. Chapter 133

_A needy man determined to wake the past..._

Much to Edward's relief Lord Cullen's impromptu appearances started to gradually diminish, until one day he stopped chasing Jasper, being content with a mere nod of acknowledgement. Since his lover made no efforts to reengage Lord Cullen, Edward was secure that this menace had been rebuffed.

As Lord Cullen stepped away from their lives, the tense silence was substituted by laughter, the awkward pauses by gentle lovemaking. Soon there was no more space between them, only the lightness of their shared love and the compromises they made to ensure each other's happiness.

Jasper made an effort to socialize more, conversing and when his leg allowed he even made some uncomfortable attempts at dancing with the smiling husband-hungry girls. Edward paid more attention to his lover's needs, some nights forfeiting his cherished outings and staying in with his lover.

Every ball, they tried to stay away from each order, trying to avoid suspicions. But like magnets they always found themselves in some secluded room, exchanging steamy caresses or deserted corners dancing softly to the tunes of the waltz.

_Dancing on clouds, living on dreams..._


	134. Chapter 134

_Dancing on clouds, living on dreams..._

A warm summer morning saw the lovers lazily cuddling on their bed, after an intense session of wild lovemaking. The glow of satisfaction Edward used after being thoroughly ravished never failed to drive Jasper mad with desire infallibly resulting in another round of passion.

After two rounds, they were exhausted and in badly needing some sleep. However, that day's obligations forced both men to reluctantly rise and dress, their gazes promising an encore as soon as possible, perhaps even before the night fell, if their schedules allowed it.

Disregarding the usual way to run a household, the lovers excused the footman to attend to their table, so that they could have privacy for their playful chat and intimate delicacies. That morning was no different, their closeness signalled by Jasper feeding Edward a morsel of dried meat and Edward licking Jasper's fingers. There was sunshine, love and warmth.

Maybe he should have guessed that so much perfection was impossible to maintain and that a storm was about to hit them with all its might.

_The shadow of your past..._


	135. Chapter 135

_The shadow of your past..._

Edward's anguished cry and subsequent tears had Jasper, springing for his seat. Despite the agonizing pain on his leg, he knelt before Edward and cradling his face enquired the cause of so much distress. Gesturing towards the newspaper he had been reading, Edward seemed unable of forming any rational word.

Worried Jasper slowly stood and took the paper, scanning the page for any startling headlines. Unfortunately, Edward wasn't overreacting to some gossip line like he was so prone to do these days. The information was worrisome for anyone on their position no doubt about that. However, he was not sure it warranted such a display of emotion.

Saying as much, Jasper was startled by Edward's demands that he read the names. Turning his attention back to the paper, Jasper carefully reread the story, paying attention to the details. He saw no mention to any place he or Edward ever patronized or even any name he promptly recognized. At least, not until the last name mentioned on the story.

Emmet had been arrested.

_And I could feel your pain..._


	136. Chapter 136

_And I could feel your pain..._

Emmet was arrested for sodomy. At a molly house. Edward felt guilty, for had it not been for his rejection of Emmet he would have been home yesterday, safely tucked on his bed. He would have been safe, protected. Now he was facing prosecution and possible death. All because of him.

Looking inside Edward's eyes Jasper could see the oppressive responsibility he felt towards Emmett's sad destiny, the regret over his disregarding treatment towards such faithful lover. Jasper's heart lurched in sympathy, for he could understand the pain of hurting a loved one and he could not even begin to assimilate the feeling of seeing a loved one thrust into such a dire situation.

Even though he could not directly connect the ending of the relationship with Emmett's circumstances, Jasper realized that's exactly what Edward had done. And he would do his best to clear his lover's conscience, so he embraced Edward, promising they would do everything within their reach to help Emmett.

Sobbing violently on Jasper's chest, Edward marvelled at the new Jasper who instead of raving in jealousy offered his quiet support.

_Protecting you in any way I could..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Molly House was a public house, sex club and/or brothel for homosexual activity. The "molly house" was similar to today's gay bar, like a combination of bar and bathhouse, although without the baths. The molly house was like a public house (pub), catering to middle- and working-class men. Men drank, danced and flirted, and there were often rooms upstairs or in the back where men could go to have sex. Sometimes the rooms had no doors, so others could watch. (Font: bisexual-in-national /bisexuality-and-homossexuality-the-british-regenc y-era-ann-herendeen-interview-part-2)


	137. Chapter 137

_Protecting you in any way I could..._

The Earl of Masen's solicitor was a stout man, devoid of any humour or warmth, however he was discreet to a fault. Hearing the subject of the impromptu meeting, he never showed any sort of reaction, not even a hint of curiosity glinted in his eyes. He promised to discreetly contact a barrister to represent Emmett.

However, the solicitor also advised not to hold too much hope, because the incident on the White Swan Molly House had reached notoriety and was being used as an example of public intolerance towards sodomites. It was highly unlikely that even the most skilled barrister would be able to completely exempt the arrested molly.

Feeling somewhat deflated, Jasper realized he truly felt sorry for Emmett, despite all the jealousy he had once inspired. The once much hated man now was faced with prosecution and possible death. Having experienced the painful weight a doomed man carries within his soul and the unquenchable need for comfort he feels, even when provided by false words of commiseration, Jasper decided to make another stop before returning home.

_My own feelings hurt by his predicament..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN 1:- <strong>Molly, diminutive for Mary, was slang for gay man.

**AN 2: **The incident at the White Swam Molly House was real and a diaphanous landmark on the persecution to gay man. There will be more about it on a future chapter.

**AN 3: **Traditionally **barristers** were engaged by other lawyers to present their cases to the judges. The barristers were prevented from directly "taking orders" or being hired by the public. The go-betweens were known as solicitors and were responsible for all the public facing details required in a case and other more mundane matters that were seen as beneath the notice of the barristers. So, if one were in need of contracts being drawn up, one would hire a solicitor. If you were accused of a crime, you would also hire a solicitor who would then hire a barrister to represent your case before the judge. (Font: 2011/12/13/a-primer-on-lawyers-in-the-regency-era/ )


	138. Chapter 138

_My own feelings hurt by his predicament..._

He had once been the villain in every one of his nightmares, the obstacle to all of his dreams. However, the battered figure cowering in the shadows of the fetid cell was just a man, a severely abused one. Jasper could feel the man's shame and fear like they were his own, for their circumstances might differ but they shared the same crime.

Emmett's loud requests for solitude and impolite remarks about Jasper's presence did not shake his determination to stay. After a long while, Emmett fell into silence and soon silence turned into inconsequential remarks that sometimes were tinted with a hint of seriousness. Without thought or consideration, Emmett found himself confessing his mind and heart.

Patiently, Jasper listened while Emmett told the horrors of his arrest, for he had taken the blunt of the runner's abuse since was dressed on female attire. He had been beaten and raped into an inch of his life by the same men who were supposed to be of more elevated morals than himself.

When Jasper left, a sincere tear escaped the confines of his aching heart.

_It could have been you..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>The Bow Street Runners were London's first professional police force.


	139. Chapter 139

_It could have been you..._

Jasper found Edward on the same spot he had left him that morning, his beautiful green eyes locked on an undefined spot beyond anyone's sight, his face marked with tears of his unrelenting torment. He had asked Jasper for privacy, a wish reluctantly granted. Being a man of action, Jasper could not bring himself to sit still while there was so much he could accomplish. So he took the forefront of the situation and made all the necessary arrangements.

Truth be told, his reasons for that day's visits were not entirely due to his restless nature, he had another motive to act on his own. Jasper felt the need to protect Edward not only from the suspicions that could arise from his inquiries but also from the harsher realities of life.

Edward was beautiful and naive, having beliefs Jasper had long abandoned. And he wanted his love to have more time in his beautiful world before the unavoidable confrontation with the bleakness of reality shattered his illusions.

However, after a difficult emotional day all Jasper cared about was the man within his arms.

_Holding yourself from me..._


	140. Chapter 140

_Holding yourself from me..._

Under Jasper's unwavering devotion, Edward slowly healed from the guilt and sorrow he felt for his former lover's incarceration. Every day he recovered a little bit of his joie de vivre, smiling and playing, making love and teasing.

Edward never visited Emmett, for he could not handle the sight of Emmett's disgrace and he knew neither him nor Jasper could afford the risk of being connected with a molly, since it would arise suspicions they had better not deal with.

Jasper admired his lover's courage in moving on despite all the heartache he still felt for Emmett and all the preoccupation that not even Edward's best efforts could conceal. Being the creature of light that he has, not even the darkness of death could rob Edward from his intoxicating vitality.

Onlookers would never guess the depth of emotion within Edward's heart, taking him for a flighty dandy, just another beautiful face. However, Jasper knew better and saw all the goodness of Edward's heart even though it was protected by a veneer of futility.

_Your greatest asset, your heart..._


	141. Chapter 141

_Your greatest asset, your heart..._

Less than a year after the arrests the destinies of the White Swan's patrons were decided. Most of them were sentenced to the pillory, since they had been charged with attempted buggery. However, three men would meet with death for they had been found guilty of consumed sodomy. Despite the barrister's best efforts Emmett had been sentenced to hang and nothing else could be done about it.

Never being one for complying with injustices, Jasper engendered an elaborate plan to free Emmett from Newgate Prison. He did not tell Edward about his machinations, since his scheme, although simple, came with great personal risk for he would have to be an active participant.

Seeing the determination on his lover's eyes raised Edward's suspicions since he expected the same hopelessness that engulfed his soul. Intrigued, he discreetly investigated Jasper's papers and followed him on his untimely outings.

Edward was not sure what he expected to find out, but he surely never expected that Jasper, the man that trembled with rage at any allusion to Emmett's name, would be so selfless as to endanger his own life for the sake of saving someone he once had seen as a rival.

_It was for you, to keep your heart from breaking..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN1: <strong>Buggery and Sodomy were used as synonyms.

**AN2: **The raid on the White Swan molly-house in Vere Street, on July 13th, 1810 resulted in several prosecutions for sodomy or attempted sodomy, with six men convicted and sentenced to the pillory for attempted sodomy. Two were convicted of actual sodomy – but in an eerie echo of the patently injustice of the early sodomy trials of the Inquisition, it seems that the two men were convicted of the act of sodomy, John Hepburn (46) and Thomas White (16), had not even been present at the White Swan during the night of the raid. The pair was hanged at Newgate Prison on 7 March 1811. The hanging of Emmett is of course fictional and the product of my angsty mind. (Font: /tag/executions-for-sodomy/)


	142. Chapter 142

_It was for you, to keep your heart from breaking..._

On the eve of Emmett's prospective escape, Jasper made love to Edward like it would be their last time together. Had Edward not yet suspected Jasper's plan, his lover's urgent passion and ardent declarations of eternal love would have done the trick.

Passively Edward accepted all Jasper offered and after their bodies were spent they lay together in companionable silence. Suddenly, in flurry of violent action Edward straddled Jasper's hip and taking advantage of his lover's surprise, Edward tied his hands to the headboard.

At Jasper's words of rage, Edward offered soothing whispers of affection. It had been an extreme measure, taken by a desperate lover. Edward knew Jasper was an honourable man and that in his lover's book there was no greater demonstration of honour than guaranteeing his partner's happiness. Therefore, Jasper's plan had been entirely for Edward's benefit.

The fatal flaw on Jasper's syllogism was disregarding his own value. The only constant to Edward's happiness was Jasper, all other variants were irrelevant. He would do anything to keep Jasper, even learning to live with the sorrow for preventing Emmett from continuing to live.

_The greatest pain, to see you make an impossible decision..._


	143. Chapter 143

_The greatest pain, to see you make an impossible decision..._

In the end all words of rage, indignation, pleading and bullying were for nothing. Jasper's sobs of angry helplessness were met with Edward's silence, his eyes brimming with tears and stubborn fortitude. And his heart broke for Edward, a man determined to let one man die in order to keep another alive.

It was an impossible choice, one Jasper wished he could have spared Edward of. However his lover's sharp instincts had made it impossible and now he was faced with the prospect of painful years of guilt.

Jasper had thought nothing of risking himself in order to save Emmet, however on the split second before tying his hands, Edward had met his eyes. The glimpse of torment on those translucent green orbs gave him pause, for had it been Edward he would do anything to stop him.

In trying to help, Jasper had sired even more pain and guilt for Edward and for that he cried, for that he raged, for that he fought to release himself and proceed with the rescue.

A knock to the door gave him pause.

_A failure turned into a sea of regret..._


	144. Chapter 144

_A failure turned into a sea of regret..._

Edward's stony faced valet delivered the news of Emmett's death. The eerie announcement was met by a formal nod of acknowledgement, Edward's stiff figure betraying none of his feelings towards the information.

Jasper unabashedly cried seeing his lover's inability to process his emotions, his face frozen in a mask of impassive disregard. He knew it was a disguised, for he had made good use of it from time to time, however seeing it on Edward was shattering since his emotions had always been openly displayed, his expressions a mirror of his heart.

Walking to the bed he untied Jasper, never meeting his eyes. Edward went to the windowsill and sat heavily on the bench gazing at the garden with a hollow look on his eyes. Jasper only watched him for some time, trying to gauge his mood and the best way to comfort him.

When Edward's pained eyes searched for his own, Jasper knew there were no words to sooth his lover's pain, no gestures able to ease his heart. So he offered the next best thing, the warmth of his embrace.

_Pain tearing you apart..._


	145. Chapter 145

_Pain tearing you apart..._

Emmett was gone. His booming laugh would never be heard again, his boyish dimples no longer would accompany his mirth, for there was no happiness to be had in the cold confines of his final resting place, provided he was given one. As most members of the lower classes he probably would not receive a proper burial or a grave.

Edward cried for the loss of his former lover, a good man despite his many flaws. He also cried in relief for Jasper had not risked himself trying to save Emmett. There were also tears of wondering regret, a multitude of possibilities, haunting his mind... maybe Jasper would have succeeded, maybe both men would have been alright. And finally there were tears of guilt, for not doing more, for stopping Jasper.

However, he knew that when it comes down to Jasper there was never any option, he came first and any risk, small as it might be, was unacceptable. Clinging to this dogma, he allowed his tears to die away and his heart to quiet down.

Gathering himself up, he met Jasper's eyes and made a murmured request.

_You were my strength..._


	146. Chapter 146

_You were my strength..._

From the sky a thick rain was falling down, as the Gods sobbed the loss of human value to the altar of intolerance. Violence had ripped away a life and ignorance had stolen its significance. Only two mourners had braved the scold of the unwillingly priest saddled with the burden of praying for a soul that never wanted to be saved.

For all his years, Emmett had not amassed loyal friends, for none had claimed his body except for the man he had hurt the most, by the request of the man he had unconditionally loved. Emmett's final resting place was simple and unpretentious, a graveyard cemetery, a simple cross daring the wrath of time, on a valiant effort to not let the memory of Emmett slip away in the cracks of the years to come.

When the arms of mother Earth concealed her loved son from the hurtful world that had robbed his breath, Edward and Jasper's tight embrace of sorrowful guilt was the only solace for their wounded souls.

The pain and sorrow the two bystanders obviously shared touched even the jaded, self-righteous heart of the unbending priest coerced by money, compelled by pity.

_And I know part of your heart was buried with him..._


	147. Chapter 147

**AN:** Check out Emmett's Outtake - Of Love and Shadows

* * *

><p><em>And I know part of your heart was buried with him...<em>

London no longer was a glittering world of unrestrained pleasures waiting to be savoured. The diversions seemed drab and devoid of meaning, losing their colors on a desert of gray anguish. The companions of yore had lost their appeal, for their superficial interest was an affront to the very concept of friendship. And from every face a denouncer could emerge. His world was no longer safe, his future no longer bright. Where the fire of life had once roared wild and free only the ashes of deceased innocence remained.

The things that had defined Edward until this point no longer bore any significance to his altered self. Unfamiliar wariness crept into his heart, torturing his mind into an estate of frenzied paranoia, always seeking to thwart threats only visible to his twisted eyes. Not even sleep could offer a reprieve of his unvoiced fears, for his nightmares always feature the death of Jasper on the most painful and demeaning ways.

He would wake up cold and shaking calling out for Jasper, the only antidote for the poison of fear.

_Waking dread, asleep agony..._


	148. Chapter 148

_Waking dread, asleep agony..._

Deep in his soul, Jasper saw Emmett's death as an act of a veiled war smartly fought under the guise of the law, an excuse to eradicate what could not be understood. In order to win their war, the bastions of the morality were willing to go to any lengths to persecute their targets. That was a truth he had long ago learned to live with, however the weight of its meaning had just settled upon Edward's shoulder and he was afraid it might be too much for his lover to bear.

Jasper knew the evil that gripped Edward's haunted soul, for he had seem the same symptoms of terror on the disturbed, unfocussed eyes of many young soldiers incapable to overcome the atrocities of war. The only measure that seemed to abate their suffering was to be removed from the Regiments and sent home to the safety of their families, where they could heal their hidden wounds.

Edward did not fight Jasper's decision to move back to the country seat of the Earl of Masen.

_The broken boy, the rising man..._


	149. Chapter 149

_The broken boy, the rising man..._

The memory of Emmett pervaded every corner of Edward's beautiful country manor, reminders of a happier time when they would have fun and take pleasure on each other's bodies. However, every time his mind turned to his deceased lover he felt disloyal to Jasper, for he deserved better than a half present lover.

Jasper's happiness was his only priority and even though he had been patient and kind, Edward could see his lover's hurt due to his inability of letting go of Emmett. Finally, accepting it was time to say goodbye, Edward visited the place they had first kissed and discovered their attraction. Laying down flower petals on the floor, he apologized for his flaws, begging for forgiveness from all the crimes he had committed against Emmett's heart.

Rising he felt lighter, his heart perfumed by scent of freedom, his soul unburdened from his crimes. There was nothing else to be done for Emmett, however there were many things he should have been doing for Jasper. His neglected lover deserved better than he had received the last few weeks and Edward was finally ready to fulfil his role.

_So lonely in your grief, so scared in my preoccupation..._


	150. Chapter 150

_So lonely in your grief, so scared in my preoccupation..._

Jasper had taken to riding alone and visiting the tenants, for they always needed some helpful had in one way or the other. Sitting by himself while he watched Edward being consumed by grief was destroying his strength and he knew he would need it whenever Edward decided to come out of his stupor. So, after the first week he decided to make himself useful by any way he could.

That night he had come home especially late, an evasive tactic in order to avoid the stilted conversation over supper. Going to the room he had been occupying since getting back, Jasper was surprised and intrigued by a trail of red rose petals leading to Edward's chambers. Heart pounding with the possibilities behind such gesture, he quietly opened the door.

Gasping loudly at the scene that greeted him, Jasper pushed the door closed and bolt it, for he was sure they would be in the room for a long time to come.

Closing his eyes he slowly opened them, just to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

_So much perfection in your smile..._


	151. Chapter 151

_So much perfection in your smile..._

Surrounded by rose petals, Edward's body assumed an unnatural position, half on the bed, half sliding to the floor, a perfect way to display all his physical perfection and entice the neglected appetite of his starving lover.

A sultry smile beckoned Jasper closer, playing with his voracity, daring him to attack. He could not resist the invitation, so he pounced on his beloved pray his mouth clumsy with desire trying to explore all of Edward's skin at the same time.

Crazed with longing, for it had been a long time since they had connected this way, Jasper was impatient and less than gentle. Edward did not mind the absence of sensual play before the act, for he also was beyond rational thought.

Standing by the bed, Jasper positioned Edward on his legs and knees, entering his beloved's body with power and ownership. Edward moaned already about to explode in bliss, so he took his hand from the bed to grasp his member. However Jasper was having none of that, batting Edward's hand away he took hold of his hard flesh, stroking Edward in synchrony with his thrusts. They reached their pleasure together loudly grunting their love for each other.

They slept together Jasper lovingly cradling Edward's smaller body within his arms.

_Coming back to us..._


	152. Chapter 152

_Coming back to us..._

A languid feeling of satiated desire had Edward stretching in unhurried laziness. He felt happy and replete. Extending his hand to touch Jasper he found his lover's space empty and cold. Frowning he turned his body and was puzzled by the formal invitation resting on Jasper's pillow. Reading the contents he chuckled lightly, excited by the prospects of the new day.

Taking care of his morning ablutions, hummed a tune under this breath. The disapproving glare of the senior housekeeper was met by Edward's smirk and a little tap underneath her chin. Her eyes oozed hostility at his familiarity. No matter, for he was too happy to occupy his mind with the insolent servant.

Undignified as it was, especially for a man of his station, Edward found himself running instead of walking, speeding towards Jasper. Because today would be a good day, a far cry from the days he had been enduring since Emmett's departure. Today he was free to be happy, to smile and joke, to be the boy he had once been.

_You carefree laughter melted my insides..._


	153. Chapter 153

_You carefree laughter melted my insides..._

Sitting on a blanket, Jasper laughed at the sight of Edward's eager approach. Not caring about rules of adult behaviour Edward threw himself at Jasper, who was caught unaware. They rolled down the bank river almost sinking on the frigid waters of the Exe. Fortunately they stopped in time to avoid an unwanted dip on the river.

Bursting into laughter their entwined bodies shook with mirth, their close contact made intimate by the friction. The motion did interesting things to their mood that quickly changed from innocent play to carnal hunger. Their hands were frenziedly shedding their clothes, their mouths desperately seeking each other, their moans and grunts were shameless and loud, they were alone, they could afford to be vocal.

Surprisingly Edward assumed the role of the aggressor overpowering Jasper, demanding the surrender of his body to the appetites of his own. Jasper promptly conceded for he loved the feeling of being possessed by Edward. Minding his lover's restricted leg motions, Edward sat Jasper on a stone and entered his body with a long slow thrust wrenching a sob of pure delight from his subjugated lover.

_The amazing feeling of belonging to you..._


	154. Chapter 154

_The amazing feeling of belonging to you..._

They made love one more time before rising from their stupor by the call of another type of hunger. Sitting on the blanket they feasted on the lavish banquet the cook had dutifully prepared. Feeding each other they talked about nothing of importance, happy to just lie on the sun, their cravings thoroughly satisfied.

Edward told Jasper about his memories of Emmett, not with bitterness or sadness, just with the nostalgia of someone who had another's company. Jasper listened patiently and kindly, offering few comments, for he knew this Edward's way of letting him be part of his pain instead of shutting him out like his beloved had done so many times before.

Cradling Edward's face within his powerful hands, Jasper brushed his lips against this lover's, pouring all his devotion into a single caress, saying everything his words would never be able to convey. His motions spoke of acceptance and understanding, of unrelenting support and of course unending love.

Their morning of leisure had been a chance to reconnect, to feel again that thrumming of uncontained energy that always simmered between then. It had always been there and it would forever remain unshakable.

_So sweet the taste of your lips..._


	155. Chapter 155

_So sweet the taste of your lips..._

Like all idyllic dreams their peace was about to be violated by the unforgiving reality. As much as Jasper tried to keep the estate running, some issues could only be addressed by Edward, the lord of the lands. Besides, it was prudent to quiet the wagging tongues questioning the nature of the closeness between the men.

Edward turned his focus towards becoming a true Lord, dealing with solicitors, battling with accounts, ordering the servants, the list seemed unending. He felt inadequate for he had no theoretical knowledge to support and guide his actions. Nor did he have the advantage of experience since his father had never bothered to train his heir. Truth be told he was overwhelmed and tired, however he pushed himself, his deficiencies would have to be conquered in order for him to become a man deserving of Jasper.

His nights were spent yearning for Jasper's return, fantasizing about all the deliciously naughty adventures they would enjoy together. The vivid images of his imagination aroused his body beyond endurance, demanding the attentions of the only lover he permitted himself to congregate with, his hands.

_If only you knew that you were already perfection to my eyes..._


	156. Chapter 156

_If only you knew that you were already perfection to my eyes..._

Gray. London seemed to be forever shrouded by said color. No light permeated the thick fog, that Jasper wasn't sure if was a natural phenomena or a product of his disgusted mind. Being in town he was expected to attend a certain number of functions where the unrelenting pursue of the matchmaking mamas tested his already strained patience.

The trips to his clubs proved to be as trying as the events of the ton. The man drank and talked about unimportant matters at length. Whenever a more serious subject arose they spoke with the finality only the truly ignorant can manage and the haughtiness the uninformed wear as mask for their shortcomings.

Coming to town in order to sell his commission had been a necessity, for the matter was long overdue. It also served the purpose of stopping speculations about his relationship with Edward, since Exeter's magistrate had been sniffing around. The man had appointed himself as the guardian of morality and was on a crusade to eradicate promiscuity, sodomy and other manifestations of baser instincts. Despite the pressing motives to stay way, he missed Edward terribly.

_Burning for your vibrant colors..._


	157. Chapter 157

_Burning for your vibrant colors..._

Jasper was surprised to discover that he took true enjoyment from mingling with the lower classes. That finding came about one stuffy afternoon when he walked through a less than commendable neighbourhood. He had stopped at a local tavern for some ale and had stayed observing the man's interactions. When the men realized he had been a soldier they welcomed him within their circle, not caring about ranking or birth.

Visiting the bar became a habit, for he was well liked and warmly receives. Much could be said about the ability of the tavern's staff to make a man feel home. Of course, the fact that he always paid a round of beverages to the other patrons also helped the high status he had achieved within their micro world.

One of those nights of merry drinking, Jasper noticed a man sitting on a distant corner, his posture indicating that Jasper was the center of his attention. Feeling unsettled Jasper tried to discern the man's face, however it was shrouded in darkness. Squaring his shoulders Jasper carefully approached the unwanted observer.

Emerging from the darkness, blue eyes gazed at Jasper's brown ones.

_It wasn't right how my heart faltered at the sight..._


	158. Chapter 158

_It wasn't right how my heart faltered at the sight..._

Coming back home had been heart wrenching. His father died despising him, his testament making no mention of his exiled son. The mother who had never paid much attention to her children, did not disappoint for she barely acknowledged his return. The older brother he had once thought beyond reproach banned him from the family' properties. He was alone and unwanted.

Resisting the impulse to succumb to self pity and resorting to self-destruction, he worked towards establishing his practice. The place of choice was one of the most disreputable neighbourhoods in London, at least that's how the ton viewed it. To James' eyes it was merely a place of poverty where one does what is needed in order to survive. They were people abandoned to the whims of luck, in need of someone to watch over them. And he intended to be their guardian in any way he could.

Having bought a suitable place to his purpose, he went to a tavern in order to commemorate his purchase and start to acquaint himself with his future patients. He would take a moment to observe the crowd and try to ascertain the best way to approach his prospective clients.

He was unprepared to deal with the man that entered the place short after he had arrived.

_Unwanted feelings of rising desire..._


	159. Chapter 159

_Unwanted feelings of rising desire..._

James simply stayed in the dark observing the man he would forever love. He remembered the day Jasper came to Eton, so scared and lonely, always hiding. James recalled how much he tried to befriend the newcomer, however he never managed to become close to him. He had been content with that, since Jasper never paid especial attention to anyone.

However one day he watched Jasper leave for the gardens with another boy. Feeling strangely enraged he followed them and from a distance witnessed in downing horror as they kissed, the way a man and a woman did. However the true shock came from the realisation that he wanted to be the copper haired boy surrendering himself to the attentions of Jasper.

He almost fell to the ground form the force of his desire and the extent of his revulsion with himself, with the boy who made him feel this way. He ran way, he tried to erase the memory and deny the feelings. He failed on both accounts, for his eyes were constantly watching the boys who he had come to acknowledge as lovers.

_Some tenderness as well..._


	160. Chapter 160

_Some tenderness as well..._

James tried to squash his desires taking other boys to his bed, since the maids and the whores didn't seem to abate his appetite anymore. I had been pleasurable but far from satisfying and it only fuelled his rage. He was a Lord, someone of consequence, he should not fall slave to his urges to possess a boy who never took notice of him.

One day the object of James' desires came to him offering himself for a tryst. Tempted beyond reason, James never wondered the reasons behind Jasper's unexpected offer, he simply took the blond boy to a suitable place to proceeded to live all the fantasies that had haunted his and enticed his body.

However, Jasper rejected his advances and James was caught on a haze of unspent passion and hurt feelings. He tried to bring Jasper closer, if only he stayed James could make him see how good lovely it could be between them. Instead of showing tenderness he ended up thrashing the boy he had recently realized he had fallen in love with.

James tried to atone for his sin by silently taking his punishment, never uttering a word against Jasper, loving him the only way left at his disposal.

_A healthy dose of respect and admiration..._


	161. Chapter 161

_A healthy dose of respect and admiration..._

He had been scorned and taunted, deprived of the family's name and assets. Only a paltry allowance to guarantee his absence from England. He had gone to France and worked any job he could get while studying to become a doctor. His hands were constantly raw and his mind tired, he was close to his breaking point when he met a lecherous merchant who offered to become his protector. James whored for his medical degree, sacrificing his body to save his soul.

Later he would put his knowledge to the service of British soldiers, valiant boys slaughtered by Napoleon's greed. He did his best however many perished, a lot of limbs were lost, faces disfigured. At night he would quietly cry, mourning the destiny of his less fortunate patients. Until one day he discovered the love of his life lying bloodied and unattended, ready to let go of this life. However James was not ready to exist in a world without Jasper, so he fought harder than he ever had before. In the end Jasper had made it through and gone back to the true owner of his heart.

And now he stood in front of James, an undecipherable expression on his face.

_And a hint of sadness for what could never be..._


	162. Chapter 162

_And a hint of sadness for what could never be..._

Jasper simply stood unmoving, incapable of processing the vast array of emotions threatening to bring him to his knees. James simply returned his perusal, patiently waiting for his approach or his retreat, never demanding anything, not even a simple nod of acknowledgement. The man he had come to respect above all others was generous enough to allow him an easy escape.

However Jasper didn't want to escape, he simply wanted to be with James. Face splitting into a radiant smile, he put his hand on the man's shoulder for that was the only touch he could get away with in public. Sitting he ordered another round of ale and nervously fidgeted trying to decide what to say to the man who sat unbearably far from him.

Chuckling James decided to put Jasper out of his misery, asking Jasper polite questions to which Jasper readily answered. Soon their conversation was flowing easily, no longer lapsing into awkward pauses. They understandably skirted around the subject of relationships, since James was aware of Edward and Jasper knew of James' feelings.

_Too much to feel, too little to do..._


	163. Chapter 163

_Too much to feel, to little to do..._

Several rounds of ale later, the men were drunkenly laughing at a jest neither could remember. Closing time found them sitting impossibly close and James suggested that perhaps it would be wiser for Jasper to stay the night in his nearly acquired apartment. Jasper promptly accepted reasoning that walking to his bachelor's lodgings wouldn't be wise since he could easily fall victim to a footpad and finding a hackney was a daunting task on his inebriated state.

They walked on companionable silence, each lost on their own minds. Reaching James' place, Jasper was amazed at how cozy and welcoming it felt, despite the many boxes covering the floor. There was only one settee, so they sat next to each other their thighs brushing from time to time.

Their conversation was lively and stimulating. Soon the mood between them changed and Jasper could no longer fight the attraction, nor did he want too. So he succumbed to the unholy desire to taste James' flavour, closing what little space still remained between them, he brought his hand to the back of James' head and kissed him.

_A shock of awareness..._


	164. Chapter 164

_A shock of awareness..._

The feel of Jasper's lips woke a hunger like no other and James gladly burned on the flames of raging desire. Carefully he lowered Jasper to the floor, tenderly adjusting his wounded leg. He trailed feverish kisses along the column of Jasper's elegant neck while unbuttoning his waistcoat. Getting rid of Jasper's shirt he salivated at the sight of the pink nipples he longed to suck on.

Having James pleasuring one of his most sensitive points, turned Jasper's ragged breath into a grunt of almost unbearable pleasure. He squirmed trying to unfasten James' breeches, longing to touch his flesh. James batted his hands away freeing his member to Jasper's awaiting hands. The feel James' silken hardness had Jasper yearning to run his tongue from the base until the weeping head.

Urging James closer, Jasper's mouth explored the most intimate crevice of James' body. Moaning nervously James ascertained that he had never been on the receiving end before extricating a sound of delighted possessiveness from the depths of Jasper's body.

And it was that sound of primal urgency that brought James back to reality.

_That moment there was no you, only him..._


	165. Chapter 165

_That moment there was no you, only him..._

The truth remained that Jasper loved Edward no matter what his inebriated, overly stimulated body told him. And no matter the personal cost to himself, James wouldn't allow Jasper to destroy a relationship that he knew was truly dear to the man he loved. So he slowed his kisses and caresses, gently extricating himself from Jasper's embrace.

Jasper was bewildered by James change of attitude, one second they were engaging in steaming foreplay and one the next Jasper lay on the floor staring at the back of a retreating James. Reason came a little later and it was with downing horror that he yanked his clothes on and murmured a hasty goodbye to the averted figure of James.

That night James drank all the liquor he owned seeking to drown the immeasurable sorrow of unrequited love. However noble he might have seemed, deep in his heart he knew he only stopped because he would never be able to have intercourse with Jasper, with him it would be absolutely necessary to make love.

And all of Jasper's love was Edward's, not his, never his.

_So unaware of my own weakness..._


	166. Chapter 166

_So unaware of my own weakness..._

Soon all would be lost. The love of his life would be so hurt by his unthinking actions. Edward was already so vulnerable having lost his parents and Emmett. Now he would add to his pain by confessing his misdeeds. Jasper who had so harshly taken to Edward's unfaithfulness had been on the verge of committing the same mistake.

Putting a halt to their actions had been a laudable effort from an outstanding man who had put aside his own feelings. And for that a part of him would forever love James. That was the core of the matter, the affection Jasper had for James, so strong that had almost led to betrayal. Jasper never thought it was possible to long for more than one person at a time. Once again he had been mistaken.

The consequences of his imprudence would be dire. Most certainly he would lose Edward. A part of his him would die without the nurturing love of his soul mate and he would have to continue to exist as a half man. It was so tempting to hold his tongue and continue as before. However that would be a coward's way of dealing with a problem and Jasper was no milksop.

It was time to go home and face the rest of his existence.

_So dreaded a confrontation..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Would you rather have Jasper telling or not telling Edward about his encounter with James?


	167. Chapter 167

_So dreaded a confrontation..._

The heavy hands of destiny would soon intercede robbing Jasper of the opportunity to confess his sins, for back in Exeter a naive overly zealous magistrate was unknowingly a pawn on someone else's underhanded strategy and foolishly would be making his move towards his target, changing the paths of many lives.

The magistrate was named Morton and he had been given the last piece of evidence necessary to bring William Courtenay to trial for sodomy. He was gathering men to make the arrest when news of Courtenay's escape reached his ears. Morton was enraged for terminating Courtenay's depravity had been a pet project of his.

The fact that condemning an aristocrat for sodomy would do wonders for his political ambitions was only secondary to his efforts to bring justice to those tainted by the rogue's touch. That was the beautiful lie he told himself.

So, he settled for the next best thing. He would destroy anyone who had been accessory on the man's escape. Starting with the Earl of Masen.

_Our lives changed by the kindness of your heart..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Remember Kitty Courtenay? And you thought I was just divagating...


	168. Chapter 168

_Our lives changed by the kindness of your heart..._

It was just another day like many others before. Edward had no way of knowing that once again the inevitable would cross his path steering his life on an unforeseen direction. He had just arrived from visiting one of his elderly tenants when the quietude of his home was disturbed by the weeping Viscount Courtenay.

Alarmed Edward dispensed the niceties and guided his visitor to an intimate parlour. He was astonished to discover that his neighbour was about to be arrested for sodomy. Mind racing and heart pounding, Edward never stopped to think about the possible consequences of his actions.

He arranged for Courtenay's escape to the colonies, providing him with an alias and a seat departing from the West of Exe. Edward's plan worked beautifully and the Viscount was able to leave England just in time to thwart Morton's intent. Feeling relieved and triumphant, Edward returned home to another night of vivid erotic dreams starring his much missed lover.

Had he been more watchful he would have seen the glint of evil satisfaction on a vile woman's eyes.

_So inconsequent the actions of the brave..._


	169. Chapter 169

_So inconsequent the actions of the brave..._

Jessica Stanley was a resentful woman. She resented the beautiful ladies and lords who never had to work for their living, the pampered aristocrats who believed themselves better than herself. She resented beauty for she had none. She resented marriage for she was positively on the shelf. But above all she resented Edward Masen.

She had always lived on his country estate since her mother had been a maid and her father a footman, the former Earl kind enough to allow the union. As little kids they played together, enjoying each other's company. However, after a visit to the Duke of Whitlock, Edward never sought her company again.

She would have accepted that as the natural progression of life, for he was one of her betters, however Edward's continued association with one of the stable boys only added to her bitterness. So she concluded that it wasn't a matter of social class that kept him from her, it was a rejection of her as a person. And she resented him for that.

After the former Earl's passing Edward came home flaunting his disgusting affair with a crippled soldier. And he never acknowledged their previous association. And she resented him even more.

But her God was fair and after much prayer the time for her revenge had come.

_So bitter the heart of the rejected..._


	170. Chapter 170

_So bitter the heart of the rejected..._

Bathed in a surreal sense of watching from afar the events of his own life, Edward could not believe the unfortunate series of events that brought him to the desperate situation he found himself in. Helping the Viscount had been instinctive and unplanned, a mere reaction to dire circumstances.

Belatedly, he realized the error of his actions for he should have had more regard for his own safety. Discretion had always been a trial for Edward's expansive, impulsive nature. By acting in haste he had jeopardized not only his own safety but also Jasper's. And that was the main reason for his dismay.

He kept himself calm during the magistrate's interrogation, responding curtly and haughtily, an attempt to ascertain his superiority and therefore gather the man's respect. It had been a miscalculation on his part, for the man's dislike of aristocrats seemed to be routed deep within his soul.

Edward had been incarcerated for being accessory in Viscount Courtenay's escape. However, the real source of his concerns lay on the knowing looks he had received from the magistrate. They suggested that the man knew Edward's most dangerous secret.

_So fearful the mind of the guilty..._


	171. Chapter 171

_So fearful the mind of the guilty..._

Jasper never received the news of Edward's arrest, for his lover never sent for him. He understood Edward's protectiveness, since had Jasper been on Edward's predicament he would never want to have his lover around, it was unsafe to be associated with man accused of buggery.

Hearing from Edward's stony faced valet the account of the events that took place during his absence, Jasper was astonished by the nerve of the magistrate. Arresting a man of Edward's importance was indeed a bold move and only a desperate man or an unwise one could afford so much insult. His bets were on desperate, and those were the most dangerous kind of men.

His first instinct was to run to Edward and try to see if he was all right. However, Jasper was a rational and it was upon his shoulders to see both Edward and himself safely through the storm they were trapped in.

Jasper knew what he had to do. It would be humiliating to his pride. But love was more important.

_So strong the heart of the loving..._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Buggery means sodomy.


	172. Chapter 172

_So strong the heart of the loving..._

The Duke of Whitlock could barely believe his son had come home. His elation with Jasper's visit was almost enough to make him loose his composure. But after years of smouldering his emotions he managed to seem haughty and distant even when he was bursting with warm feelings.

Happiness gave away to fear, for Jasper sole intent was to plea for the Duke's help on a most scandalous matter. His son spoke fluently and articulately, precisely relaying the facts, not letting any drop of emotion permeate his speech. Logical reasons were exposed, fancy syllogisms were used.

However the Duke was not paying attention to his words, he was watching the play of emotions on his son's eyes. The pain and wrath, the fear and desperation, but mainly the loneliness of having no one else to turn to, for the Duke was well aware that had the boy any other recourse, he would have never come to him.

The Duke had a decision to make. He could refuse the boy and hope for the death of his unnatural tendencies concomitantly with the Earl's death or he could help his son, the child he so many times had failed to protect.

_And in his eyes the answer shined through..._


	173. Chapter 173

_And in his eyes the answer shined through..._

Jasper was no longer alone on his crusade to free Edward. Much to the disgruntlement of the new Duchess, the Duke sided with his son, going as far as visiting Edward in prison. The Duke had been amazed by the Earl's fortitude in facing his humiliating circumstances with grace and dignity. Somehow in the midst of his own notions of morality and sin, he found some spark of understanding of his son's feelings, for Edward was an admirable man.

Magistrate Morton was less than pleased by the Duke's involvement, since his reputation was beyond reproach and his prestige undeniable, the Duke had the potential to attract the support of other peers, maybe even the King. If that scenario came to pass, his plans would backfire and instead of improving the moral standards of society, the Earl's liberation would imply that anything was allowed to an aristocrat. Also, it would ruin his professional prospects.

He had to choose a part to play. The contrite magistrate who was only doing his duty and would rather see the Earl go, or the defiant man who would bet everything on the success of threatening the Duke's son.

_All a game for the dispassionate..._


	174. Chapter 174

_All a game for the dispassionate..._

The Duke of Whitlock had lived long enough to recognize a rat when he saw one. And the Magistrate was most definitely one. He could see the play of emotions on the man's face, the calculating look on his eyes, the frown on his forehead and the unhappy lines surrounding his mouth.

The man was definitely intelligent enough to recognize when he had lost but too stubborn to immediately accede. He was visibly trying to find a way out of corner the Duke had backed him into. The man was ambitious, the Duke realized, and those were his favourite kind of rat, for it was relatively easy to guarantee their cooperation. One only had to offer the right incentive.

Know thy enemy. That's the one rule the Duke had always abided to. And he knew how dangerous Morton could become should he feel threatened or bullied in any way. There was no need to say the words, the Duke understood the veiled threat on the man's eyes. If it came to that, sodomy charges could be presented against Jasper.

The man was dangerous, fortunately he was also greedy.

_Depending upon the judgement of a questionable man..._


	175. Chapter 175

_Depending upon the judgement of a questionable man..._

Morton finally settled on the role that best fit the situation. The contrite mercenary. Breaching the silence, Morton skilfully introduced the matter of monetary settlements. As subtle as one could be, he suggested that some incentives were due, given the delicate nature of the issue at hand. Besides, he argued the case was notorious and he would have to withstand the public's scrutiny.

The Duke of Whitlock immediately understood what the man was playing at. The magistrate would cooperate with him, if he offered a satisfying bargain. A dowry for the daughter, a house for the wife, jewellery for the mistress and a promise to support the man's political aspirations, that was the price of a man's freedom. The Duke gladly paid.

Not for Edward, even though he felt sorry for his old friend's son. But for his son, to see the grateful smile on his face, the shine of affection on his eyes. And most importantly, to experience, for the first time in his life, the embrace of a loving son.

_Saved by the love I had never believed in..._


	176. Chapter 176

_Saved by the love I had never believed in..._

Having the Magistrate's cooperation was just the first step towards Edward's freedom, dealing with the witness to the supposed crime was the next one. Given the right incentive any man was capable of betraying secrets and Morton had been thoroughly motivated by the bargain he stroke with the Duke.

Jasper was stunned to discover that a member of Edward's household had committed such contemptible act of betrayal. The bigger blow came with the knowledge of the source of the proofs incriminating Viscount Courtenay. A name Jasper was familiar with. Intimately. Someone he had never thought capable of such malice. Someone who, up to that point, Jasper had always regarded with some degree of affection.

However, the deeper cut came with the information that the prompter of Courtenay's downfall was the same man who generously had offered to employ the vile maid who had denounced Edward. It became clear to Jasper that, for whatever reason, this entire situation involving the Viscount and Edward had been orchestrated by the mind of a single man.

Lord Cullen.

_Unknown reasons for inexplicable actions ..._


	177. Chapter 177

_Unknown reasons for inexplicable actions ..._

The Duke was mystified by the dark clouds blurring the stormy eyes of his son. The situation was beyond his comprehension, Lord Cullen's interest in denouncing the Viscount and housing the maid were at best unclear and at worst shady. The meddlesome way in which Lord Cullen had barged into the boy's lives suggested he had been intent in breaking apart their affair.

The reason for that intent was what truly puzzled him, even though Lord Cullen was Jasper's Godfather the Duke could not conceive it had been familiar concern dictating his steps. If any doubt remained about Lord Cullen's less than honourable intentions, the thunderstorm on his son's eyes would have been sufficient to erase it.

Jasper understood Lord Cullen's reason, or at least enough of it to turn murderous. The Duke recognized the danger lurking in his son's countenance, the surge of vengeful power that rose from the revelation. Wisely, he tried to stop Jasper from going to talk to Lord Cullen, for he was sure there would not be much talking involved.

He feared for Lord Cullen's life.

_The pain of the betrayed..._


	178. Chapter 178

_The pain of the betrayed..._

Jasper could not grasp the full scope of the information he had been presented with. For some unknown reason Lord Cullen had decided to break his relationship with Edward. Truth be told, he could fathom that some sort of misguided revenge would be part of the motives behind his actions.

It broke his heart to imagine that he had been responsible for Edward's arrest, even if indirectly so. Had he never been associated with Lord Cullen Edward would be home. It was a flawed reasoning, for his association with Lord Cullen was guaranteed by a sordid bargain long before Jasper could form any opinion on the matter.

On some rational recess of his mind, he understood that no child chose the Godfather and that his later closer relationship with Lord Cullen had started in good faith. However, he was beyond reason and the angry resentment eating his soul was devastatingly toxic, a murderous rage demanding satisfaction.

Rebuffing his father's attempt to intercede on the matter, Jasper asserted that he had everything well in hand. Lord Cullen was his to deal with.

_The driving force of anger..._


	179. Chapter 179

_The driving force of anger..._

Marching inside Lord Cullen's den of iniquity, Jasper used all the haughtiness only breeding could afford and demanded the surrender of the maid, the self-righteous anger he felt blinded him for the possibility of a refusal. And that's exactly what he encountered.

Only after hearing the tone of finality on Lord Cullen's booming denial, the veil that covered Jasper's eyes was lifted and he was met with an unexpected reality. The man he had known for almost all of his life had departed and in his place a cold stranger remained.

This man's eyes held no kindness or warmth, only the cold calculating precision of the heartless and a glint of satisfied bloodlust. The man before his eyes bore no semblance with his Godfather, his friend or his one time lover. The man before him was ruthless enough to allow a man to die only to satisfy a twisted sense of justice.

The fallen angel before Jasper was beyond reasoning or understanding, he was a creature of dark emotions bent on destroying Edward. And for the first time since learning of Lord Cullen's involvement Jasper truly feared for his lover.

_The chilling power of hate..._


	180. Chapter 180

_The chilling power of hate..._

Knowing that Edward's future depended solely on the success of his visit, Jasper quickly adjusted his strategy, going from demanding Lord to soothing lover. Lowering his tones to sultry murmurs heavy with erotic promises, Jasper was bent on seduction.

Carefully he approached Lord Cullen and touched a lock of hair, running his fingers through the man's mane, fighting the disgust he felt for touching him in such a blatantly sexual way. For a moment, Lord Cullen lost himself to Jasper's touch wondering how it would feel to have him as a willingly lover, to have Jasper's body moulded to his. However, tender emotions had long left Lord Cullen's heart and he wouldn't be fooled by Jasper's foolish display of seduction.

Jasper's advances were vigorously rebuffed by Lord Cullen, who now seemed not only beyond reason but also above sexual bribe. No matter that the crazed man's body had responded to Jasper's touch, Lord Cullen's mind was feverish with thoughts of revenge. And he would allow nothing to stand on his way. Not even his own desire for Jasper.

_Madness brimming on his eyes..._


	181. Chapter 181

_Madness brimming on his eyes..._

Despair was something Jasper had been well acquainted with. Or so, he had believed until the moment of Lord Cullen's vehement rebuff. The bitter words and malevolent laughter left no space for any of Jasper's other tactics.

That's the moment everything broke through. All of his anger, hurt and fear were wrenched from the depths of his soul by a violent howl only a wounded beast was able to produce. Jasper fell to his knees and sobbed all the misery of his heart, clawing at his own skin, trying to exist beyond the trapping of his aching flesh.

There, on the floor, he lost decorum and pride. He begged for Lord Cullen's mercy, like a child begs to a powerful deity to take away the torments assailing the soul. No longer an aristocrat, Jasper was simply a man pleading for the life of the one he loved.

Lord Cullen was remarkably silent, so much that Jasper took his eyes from the carpet and stared at the face of his torturer. The man's eyes were unfocused, his countenance deranged. Jasper's chest constricted painfully thinking he had reached the end of the line.

A sudden smile lit up Lord Cullen's face with the dark satisfaction of an evil revelation.

_The gates of hell opened..._


	182. Chapter 182

_The gates of hell opened..._

And he agreed, for there was no other answer. Jasper would spare no efforts, any sacrifice would be made in order to save Edward. Striking a bargain with the devil, Jasper made promises he never intended to keep. Later he would look into the matter, he was sure there would be a way out of the legal quagmire that his signature on the contract and settlements would present. For now a strategic retreat was in demand.

The devil seemed immensely satisfied with his cunning trap and Jasper wondered if that had been Lord Cullen's intent from the beginning or if it had been born out of momentary perversity. Either way, Jasper was intrigued by the notion that a blackmailer would trust on a man's word of honour in order to collect the product of his crime. Jasper dismissed such simplicity of mind as a fruit of the insanity obviously plaguing Lord Cullen.

Even if he had to fulfil the agreement, Jasper was sure his decision would never be regretted, for it was the only way to spare the love of his life.

_And trapped me inside..._


	183. Chapter 183

_And trapped me inside..._

Jessica was dissatisfied. The conditions of her new employment were even more precarious than her former one's, the Master was teetering on the edge of insanity and her only friend, the one who had escorted her to Lord Cullen's estate, simply vanished as soon as he had fulfilled his task.

The other servants whispered tales of whippings delivered to the one's of their class who dared to denounce their Masters. It was an obvious intimidation attempt and Jessica wouldn't be fooled by the hostile barbs.

One particularly miserable afternoon she was summoned by Lord Cullen. Jessica could only imagine it had something to do with Edward. She was no fool, early on she realized that the only reason a gentleman would offer employment to a gossiping servant would be because he had a feud with the denounced Master.

Sometimes she even felt a twinge of guilt; however she pushed it away reminding that Edward had betrayed her trust a long time before she did the same.

Entering the study, Jessica was startled to meet Lord Whitlock's seething eyes.

_One more sin before the end..._


	184. Chapter 184

_One more sin before the end..._

She resisted until the last second, fighting a fate traced by her own petty nature. No amount of yelling and pleading dissuaded the man, he was relentless and unstoppable. Too late she realized nobody would come to her rescue and she lamented the injustice of her death.

Jasper watched with dispassionate eyes the sinking body of the cunning shrew who had come so close to destroying Edward. Her reasons were unimportant, for there was no real explanation for evil deeds. Her promises of silence were untrustworthy, for Jasper knew the woman did not abide by any notions of honour. Jasper would allow no loose ends.

However, Jasper was not an unfeeling man. So he took the time to mourn a life wasted on insignificant pursuits, incited by the lowest part of human psyche. He truly felt for the girl, but he did not regret her death, for he would go to any extreme to protect his lover.

Turning on his heels, Jasper left Jessica's death and Lord Cullen's blackmail behind him. Those would be dealt with on a later date.

First, he had a lover to collect.

_Tainted, I went to you..._


	185. Chapter 185

_Tainted, I went to you..._

The sweetness of reunion was tempered by the need for discretion. Shaking hands and smiling politely, nobody would guess the need for closeness thrumming underneath their cool façades.

Later, ensconced on the warmth of their shared bedroom, the lovers allowed their bodies to reconnect. Lovingly, Jasper soothed and caressed, patiently guiding Edward to the brink of fulfilment many times, only to stop and restart his gentle teasing.

Weary of Jasper's play, Edward took over their lovemaking repaying in kind, torturing his lover into tears of frustration. Chuckling softly, Edward prodded Jasper's hole, silently asking for admittance. His caress was met by a moan of approval, Jasper's body jerking towards Edward's elegant fingers, begging to be possessed.

To his lover's astonishment, Jasper pushed him into the bed and turning his back on him, lowered himself on Edward's erection. Fully sheathed in Jasper's clenching body, Edward's vision blurred when his lover slowly but steadily rode him to completion. Crying out his pleasure, Edward firmly stroke Jasper's weeping member until his seed spilled on his belly.

Safe and content they cuddled in bed, tacitly agreeing to postpone the unavoidable conversation that would alter the paths of their lives.

_Living on the illusion of safety..._


	186. Chapter 186

_Living on the illusion of safety..._

Set apart from the world and its diversions, Edward spent his time in jail evaluating the choices he had made and the unpredictable consequences that followed. For the first time in his life, he vied for no excuses for himself or for others, dispassionately drawing his conclusions, no matter how unwelcomed they might be.

He came to accept the recklessness of his ways, for he never had considered refraining from sexual pursuits in order to keep his reputation intact. He had lain with more men than he could remember; taking part in orgies depraved enough to make the ancient romans blush. And he had never been particularly discreet about it.

In retrospect, Edward was dismayed to realize his behaviour had always invited disaster. Even his relationship with Jasper was not exempt from public scrutiny, whispered as they were, soon the gossips would blow out of hand; and when it happened a terrible end awaited for them, be it death like Emmet or exile as Courtenay. Either way they would be apart.

And apart was not an option Edward was willingly to accept.

_The colorless vision of adulthood..._


	187. Chapter 187

_The colorless vision of adulthood..._

Jasper raged, cried, pleaded, begged, but in the end he acquiesced. They were trapped by the weight of their births and responsibilities; by the rules of an unbending society and a condemning God. Defying the wrath of heaven and earth, tempting as it was, held no merit when the life of a loved one was at stake.

Should they choose to live as they pleased, the best outcome would be exile, like Viscount Courtenay had survived for long twenty five years. Besides, there were no guaranties, any time they could be denounced, like the episode with the maid had proved.

All of those were good reasons, surely. But in the end, Jasper had his own motives to acquiesce to Edward's desires. The need for acceptance was a personality trait that had dictated his life prior to meeting Edward. It had lain dormant for the past few years, however it had never been suppressed.

Jasper wanted to be a paragon of male honour and behaviour, someone envied and admired. That was who he had been born to be.

_Paradise was never ours to take..._


	188. Chapter 188

_Paradise was never ours to take..._

Edward warily watched the play of emotions on Jasper's face, morphing from outrage into reluctant acceptance, and was relieved by his lover's good sense. The way they had conducted the relationship was as far from inconspicuous as it could possibly get; apart from withholding public displays of affection, they had taken no steps to conceal the nature of their bond.

It was time to remedy their carelessness by assuming the personas of wealthy Lords, chasing skirts and visiting their clubs. They would live apart, keep female lovers and only sometimes see each other in public. Privately, they would spend as much time together as possible, without raising suspicions from the servants or the ton.

Eventually, both of them would have to acquire a wife and produce legitimate issue, since their titles demanded heirs. It would be almost impossible to watch somebody else have a more legitimate claim to Jasper than his own, however Edward was determined to endure, for it represented the difference between life and death.

They would never have the intimacy of sharing a life together. They would have to make do with whatever they could get. And it would have to be enough.

_So many broken dreams..._


	189. Chapter 189

_So many broken dreams..._

Caught on the whirlwind of emotions brought by Edward's plan, Jasper never had the opportunity to confess his misdeeds. When the notion returned to the forefront of his mind he simply pushed it away. Confessing the infidelity would be an exercise in futility, for their relationship was no longer exclusive; it would only widen the rift that had already begun to form between them.

Jasper's protectiveness also prevented him from commenting on the events preceding Edward's release from prison, they were a well guarded secret, one last attempt to keep the full extent of the world's depravity from touching the purest soul Jasper had ever encountered.

Meanwhile, Edward was second guessing the wisdom of his plan, for he could already feel the coldness of withdrawal seeping into his aching heart. Life as they had known it would soon disappear, buried by the overbearing reality of their circumstances. Naïveté had allowed the young man to hold on to their unedited version of love for longer than was wise.

It was time to grow up and accept their lot in life.

_Never daring to reach for the stars..._


	190. Chapter 190

_Never daring to reach for the stars..._

The last day of their former lives was spent on a quiet picnic by the river. Shrouded by the forest, protected by the river, they allowed the bleakness of reality to slip away. There only unrestrained love existed, the ardour of two passionate souls enchanted by the wonder of the bond they shared.

There they fed each other and exchanged soft kisses, playfully teasing and satisfying, pretending that nothing had changed. When the mood turned from sweetness to sensual awareness, Jasper gently laid Edward on the grass and worshipped his body, eliciting moans of approval and coaxing sounds of willingness.

Jasper took Edward with the expertise of a lover who had many times tasted the charms of the one he adored. Surrounded by bluebells, love shinning from his soulful green eyes, Edward was the picture of perfection Jasper vowed to carry within his heart for the rest of his days.

The wave of pleasure took both of them by surprise, ending their interlude with a note of incomplete desperation, for it had not been enough; they still craved what could never be.

_One more dream before reality..._


	191. Chapter 191

_One more dream before reality..._

Life without Edward began by the upsetting news of the Duke of Whitlock's passing. Dying in his sleep, Jasper's father never had the agonizing experience of acknowledging his own mortality. It was a serene death, one that only the honourable deserved. And on Jasper's eyes his father had become a paragon of honour.

Coming into his title, Jasper was obliged to deal with solicitors and managers, creditors and his stepmother, the unbending Duchess. Skilfully, he dodged her attacks and secured his brother's future, appeasing the mother and gaining the brother's respect. He stepped up to the challenge and became the man his father always hoped he would be.

Unlike Edward, Jasper never felt overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being a peer, he thrived on the pressure and enjoyed the late nights spent pouring over numbers. Jasper missed his father sorely, however Edward was the absence he lamented the most.

They spent two long months apart, exchanging mere nods of greeting. No words spoken or written were ever exchanged. Tales of Edward's nightly expeditions to bordellos reached his ears, however he didn't dwell on them, for his sanity wouldn't have survived it, otherwise.

_The loss of the forgotten..._


	192. Chapter 192

_The loss of the forgotten..._

One night Jasper was awaken by the genteel caress of a wondering mouth. His starving body welcomed the touch, for it had been neglected for quite some time. Soft hands pushed the nightshirt past his hips, freeing the ragging erection that lay beneath. A warm mouth closed around the leaking member steadily pushing its owner towards completion.

Fighting for air, Jasper slowly regained use of his mental faculties. Through the haze of pleasure, he had failed to miss the obvious. Someone had invaded the sanctity of his home and molested his body. He wished it could have been Edward, however he was well acquainted with the tenure of Edward's touch and the hands that had so adeptly explored him were too soft to belong to his beloved.

Startled he jumped out of bed and searched for a candle. Before he could locate one, the invader lit one and the face that greeted him was completely unexpected. Irina was no longer the vibrant beauty she had once been. But for now she would be enough.

_Offering a poor substitute..._


	193. Chapter 193

_Offering a poor substitute..._

Irina was convenient and undemanding, for she was a woman past her prime, grateful for whatever scraps one was willing to offer. A discreet woman, she had never brought any grief to her protectors, after all a professional had no expectations beyond the monetary aspects of the relationship. Establishing her as his mistress, Jasper solved the problem of abiding by Edward's wishes.

Sometimes when he was slacking his lust within Irina's body, Jasper would imagine a different person underneath him. A harder body and a tighter hole, instead of the practice sounds of doubtful enjoyment, his ears conjured grunts of elation emitted by a much graver voice. Afterwards, he would simply get up and leave, for he could never enjoy cuddling with someone other than Edward.

Months passed before Jasper received a missive from Edward saying that enough time had passed and gossip had been squelched. The time apart had come to an end. And if they were discreet enough, perhaps they could even manage to regain some semblance of the relationship they had shared before.

_Sadly missing..._


	194. Chapter 194

_Sadly missing..._

In the dead of night he came, brought by a hired hackney. Somehow he seemed older, the furtiveness weighting heavily on his usually opened demeanour. Edward didn't smile or gently teased, he simply launched his body into Jasper's warm embrace, whispering all his longing for the lover he could never forget.

Stunned by Edward's vehemence, Jasper quickly regrouped and offered his lover the comfort he obviously needed. Earlier, Jasper had dismissed the staff, a precaution against gossiping servants. Hands clasped tight, they ascended to Jasper's bedchamber. Instead of the easy laughter that had once been the preponderant trait of their relationship, they simply embraced the silence.

They still felt the same desire and hunger; however their lovemaking was tamer than ever before. The foreplay had been lengthy and unhurried, a superficial exploration, destined only to awake a sexual appetite, not to entice the flames of passion. Jasper took Edward lovingly and in no time their bodies were plunged into the abysm of satisfaction.

Unlike their bodies, their souls were hungering for more. Edward left only a few minutes after they had made love. From the bed Jasper watched while his lover walked away, a tear running down his face.

Inside the hackney, Edward cried and prayed for an answer to his unspoken plea.

_Feigning the normalcy of the insane..._


	195. Chapter 195

_Feigning the normalcy of the insane..._

The inexorable passage of time saw the lovers through many assignments tainted by the certainty of impending hurt. By dreading what might come, they ceased to enjoy what already was. And the hurt they fought so hard to prevent, tore a hole within their souls.

However, neither had the strength or the will to walk away. Mauled as it was, their love still dictated the path of their lives, strong enough to survive despite the inhospitable environment the bruised hearts of the unfortunate lovers provided.

Gloomy and worried, Jasper almost missed the staggering news of Lord Cullen's murder. The details were too lurid to be published, whispers told of torture and rape. However, the scandal had been dimmed by the interference of Lord Swan, a wealthy and influential Earl who had become the legal guardian of Lord Cullen's daughter.

Jasper could only feel relief, for Lord Cullen had spread evil wherever he went; a puppeteer who tried to subjugate the wills and destinies of those unlucky enough to cross his path. Edward had survived the tyranny of the manipulator; Jasper could only hope that someday the same could be said about himself.

_And like that, he is gone..._


	196. Chapter 196

_And like that, he is gone..._

The price of maturity was the loss of innocence. The first time Jasper saw a demimonde sitting on Edward's lap, he buried the last bit of his youthful illusions. The rational part of his mind realized that they were taking the path of self-preservation; the romantic within clamoured for the unthinkable dream of a life spent as a true lover.

Reality had intruded the path of true love, vanquishing the vain hopes of fanciful souls. The devastating intrusion of the inevitable had split the path of their lives, leaving only stolen moments as a consolation prize. Had it not been for Jasper's endless list of responsibilities he would have succumbed to the dark menace of ennui.

Fortunately, he had various estates to oversee and as head of the family, he had many obligations towards his vast array of relatives. He also had taken his seat on the House of Lords, fighting for better conditions to the less fortunate. Due to his progressive views of equality, Jasper became a favourite of the masses and an enemy of aristocracy.

However, many peers courted his favours, for he had become more influential than the Prime-Minister. So accustomed to their calls, Jasper never guessed that the man his butler announced had not come for politics, but rather for more personal reasons. One look at the visitor's grim face and Jasper's mind finally made the connection.

_I thought I could survive the fee..._


	197. Chapter 197

_I thought I could survive the fee..._

Frowning Jasper received the visitor already anticipating a formidable opponent. Despite his advanced years, he moved with a haughty elegance befitting of his station. Shrewd green eyes betrayed the man's alert mind and sharp instincts. He would not be appeased by hollow promises and calculated lies. The matter would have to be settled, once and for all.

Graciously offering some brandy, they sat by the hearth like close friends would. They exchanged the pleasantries and inane chatter aristocracy was so prone to indulge in. On the outside there was nothing amiss with the conversation, but both men knew better. There was an underlying tension simmering between them; two enemies measuring the adversary.

Exhausting the required preliminaries, an ominous silence settled between the men. Neither seemed uncomfortable, quietly daring the other to breach the subject that had to be discussed. The visitor was as strong and unbending as Jasper, somehow even stronger given the fact that he had braved enemy territory.

If they truly were enemies, was something yet to be determined. Steeling himself Jasper decided to set his future in motion.

_Painful choices leading to destruction..._


	198. Chapter 198

_Painful choices leading to destruction..._

Lord Swan wanted the best for his great-granddaughter. Born out of two despicable beings, somehow God had spared the poor child from inheriting her mother's exterior and her father's rotten soul. Isabella was beautiful, inside and out, a true heir to his daughter's legacy. She had survived a difficult life seemingly unscathed and he had taken great delight in spoiling her, a compensation for all she had endured.

Some time after Lord Cullen's death, a solicitor had approached Lord Swan, presenting the later with a betrothal agreement contracted for the sake of Isabella. Carefully analysing the document, he was astonished to realize that the groom-to-be was the bearer of a prestigious title and an unparalleled fortune.

A lesser man would be delighted by his great-granddaughter's good luck in snatching such a great catch. Surely the matchmaking mammas would be distressed should they learn about the Duke's commitment. However, Lord Swan was a force to be reckoned with, a fine man capable of anything to protect Isabella.

He would even defy the proud youth, foolish enough to think he had the upper hand.

_Powerful players entering the battlefield..._


	199. Chapter 199

_Powerful players entering the battlefield..._

It was a battle destined to never be fought, since both men wanted the same outcome. Before Lord Cullen's death, Jasper had been inclined to break his promise. His honour would be tainted beyond reparation, but at least he would have maintained his self-respect by denying the demands of a blackmailer.

The circumstances had changed, since he had agreed to Edward's scheme, Jasper would have to procure a wife, the betrothal took care of that task, at the same time preserving his honour from the disgrace of jilting his bride.

Lord Swan, on the other hand, had been prepared to end the agreement, for he had investigated the young Duke and found him lacking. However, the imposing presence of the man gave him pause, for there was a sense of honour and duty emanating from the Duke of Whitlock. He obviously was a man who took care of his own.

The Duke's reassurances that his wife would be treated as the finest silk, closed the deal on the Earl's head. He was an elderly man who acknowledged the proximity of his demise and he wanted Isabella to be provided for. The Duke of Whitlock would see to it.

And that's all the Earl could possibly ask for.

_Truces made over the tears of others..._


	200. Chapter 200

_Truces made over the tears of others..._

Since his return to London, loneliness consumed Edward's heart, body and soul. Surrounded by scoundrels he pretended to be interested in rakish pursuits and pointless gossip. Every night he would indulge in a sizeable amount of strong spirits, an ineffective attempt at washing away the pain of missing the one life had driven away.

Every night, he would go out of his way to avoid polite society, systematically evading the sight of the love of his life with a woman on his arms. Deep within his heart, Edward had hoped Jasper would never accept to live apart from him. However, he had been sorely disappointed, for Jasper's half-hearted attempts at protest were soon abandoned. Edward felt betrayed and hardened his resolve to stay away.

Feeling hurt, Edward's self-righteous anger had prevented him from going to his lover on the time Jasper needed him the most. His beloved had been crushed by the old Duke's death, Edward had observed the dark circles under his eyes and the slumping of his shoulders. He sent a polite note conveying deepest sorrow for Jasper's loss, like a polite acquaintance would.

Besides, Jasper never turned to him for comfort. He found himself a mistress instead.

_The unsaid raising a barrier that shouldn't be there..._


	201. Chapter 201

_The unsaid raising a barrier that shouldn't be there..._

The wonders of the female body never held any interest for Edward. Their curves did not hold the same appeal that the hard planes of a male chest did. He had never given much thought to his nature, he simple had accepted himself and moved on. For years, he had deliberately put the need for producing heirs aside, since that would require coupling with a female.

Edward had tried to overcome his aversion by forcing himself into intimacy with a courtesan. The experience had been a failure, as hard as he tried to conjure up images of past lovers, nothing had been capable of rising his interest to the required level.

Dismayed, he paid handsomely for the woman's silence. She even added a bonus, a boisterous declaration of his bedchamber skills. To Edward's eternal surprise, a long line of women, including courtesans and ladies of the ton, started to add themselves to his supposed list of conquests.

Some husbands went as far as calling him out, for they believed Edward had made a cuckold out of them. Fortunately, there wasn't bloodshed; Edward was wise enough to have his seconds offer an apology. He didn't mind being called a coward, he wouldn't die for honour when he couldn't bring himself to die for love.

_The ominous flaws of the frightened..._


	202. Chapter 202

_The ominous flaws of the frightened..._

A lot of time passed without any sort of contact from Jasper and Edward grew restless. There was no diversion from the hollow that his lover's absence had carved within his chest. No amount of drinking or gaming was enough to keep the memories at bay.

Unable to take a woman and too committed to take a man, Edward's bed had become a cold, dreaded place. Every night when his head touched the pillow, he yearned for the warmth of his lover's body, using the too soft touch of his own hand as a poor way to appease his desire.

Eventually his need was too strong to deny and he went to Jasper, sacrificing his pride and self-respect on the process. Stupidly, he had believed that their passion could be rekindled, but he had been proved wrong, for Jasper did not even try to hold him after they had made love.

He had cried for the desolation of a withering love between two souls that defying the odds had dared to reach for the other. But it seemed the odds would have their revenge.

_Unvoiced insecurities turned to abysms..._


	203. Chapter 203

_Unvoiced insecurities turned to abysms..._

Edward was desperate. He and Jasper had started to grow apart, so caught in their roles that they could no longer separate truth from illusion. Their assignments, few and far in between, lacked the warmth and the sparkle that used to make them remarkable. And they became strangers entwined by a shared past and memories of happiness.

The news of Jasper's betrothal sent Edward on a downward spiral; the deepest sorrow gripped his soul on a vice so tight that he feared it would be crushed beyond recognition. It had been his plan all along, however the reality proved difficult to swallow, for he was consumed with jealousy of a union he and his beloved could never share.

Despite all the adversities, Edward was resolute to rebuild his relationship. Choosing the direct approach, he went to Jasper. The lover's talked at length about their feelings of hurt and rejection, clearing all the misunderstandings, building a bridge over the abysm of pain created by their misgivings.

It wasn't easy, but every day something of their former selves was regained. After some time, their souls healed from the wounds of separation. They still put a show of pursuing women, carefully deflecting any possibility of rumours. Deciding that they wanted to spend time together away from the bedroom, to the world they became best friends, inseparable companions. On the privacy of their chambers, they were, once again, so much more.

_The bliss of love healed..._


	204. Chapter 204

_The bliss of love healed..._

Jasper ran his hand over Edward's naked torso. Bending his head Jasper took a taut nipple between his teeth and gently bit it. Edward whimpered in need; Jasper had been teasing his body to the brink of orgasm for the better part of the day. He was done with foreplay; Edward wanted to feel Jasper deep inside him.

He refrained from begging and demanding, since absolute compliance was Edward's gift to Jasper for his thirtieth birthday. However, he was on the brink of desperation, his body trembling with weariness and his eyes stinging from unshed tears.

Having had his fill of sensual torture, Jasper gently spread Edward's legs, positioning his member at his lover's entrance. Moaning Edward lifted his hips, trying to urge Jasper on. Chuckling at his beloved's eagerness, Jasper perfunctorily kissed Edward, doing to his mouth what soon would be done to another part of his anatomy. Allowing his body to press Edward's against the mattress, Jasper reverently penetrated his beloved's body, leisurely leading the way towards the summit of pleasure.

Satiated after a daylong marathon of lovemaking, they slept on the same bed for the first time in years.

_The beauty of desire, the perfection of love..._


	205. Chapter 205

_The beauty of desire, the perfection of love..._

Waking up to his lover's caresses, Edward wondered if his depleted body would be able to rise to the occasion. However, his traitorous anatomy promptly responded to the stimuli, disregarding the sluggish laziness of the mind. He was barely conscious during the interlude, only jolting awake by the force of his orgasm.

Soon Edward would have to get dressed and go home, since the servants were scheduled to return mid morning. Clinging to the oasis of privacy they cuddled for a while longer, pushing reality away, in favour of more agreeable circumstances. Both were lost in their musings, Jasper regretting the upcoming separation, Edward wondering about the future.

Their love had matured and grown, its intensity had diminished somewhat. Intensity had been replaced by tenderness and roaring desire had been diluted into a more manageable compound. They were calmer, but still very much in love.

The question of how their love would fare in the future weighted heavily on Edward's heart. He still couldn't bring himself to touch a woman; he suspected that he would forever remain a bachelor. But Jasper would get married and share his life with another person, parts of him would be entirely hers. And Edward already resented her for it.

_The strength of love about to be tested..._


	206. Chapter 206

_**3 years later...**_

_The strength of love about to be tested..._

It was at Almack's, the paradise of husband-hunting mammas, that Edward first saw her. A blond beauty of demure appearance and bluestocking eyes, she was largely known as Lady Isabella Swan, as homage to her great-grandfather. It was her first season and she would have been the most sought after young girl had she not been already spoken for. Coming September she would be a married lady.

Jasper had taken to the role of the devoted fiancée with swift grace. Every morning he would accompany Lady Swan to a ride on Hyde Park and every night he would attend the same events she did, tactfully keeping the other would be suitors away. Society's rules prevented the couple from sharing more than two dances, but Jasper always hovered, fetching refreshments for the girl and accompanying her to balconies.

The late nights, belonged to Edward. Sometimes they would explore the town like two rakehells, other times they explored each other's bodies. Either way, they carried on their relationship like nothing had changed.

They never spoke of Jasper's impending nuptials but Edward heard the tales of Jasper's devotion to Lady Swan, therefore he steered clear from the circuits the couple frequented, a remarkable effort to keep his heart whole.

However, he could not hide forever. It was time to face his worst nightmare.

_And everything changed before your perceptive eyes..._


	207. Chapter 207

_And everything changed before your perceptive eyes..._

Edward swept Lady Swan on a vigorous waltz that had the young girl laughing cheerfully. She was an English rose, beautiful and sweet, it was impossible not to like her. Maybe in another lifetime he could even fall in love with her, for she was innocent and bright, radiating warmth and affection.

And she was in love with Jasper, deeply ensnared on the web of deceit he had carefully crafted. Edward's heart broke for the girl, she was about to be dragged into an impossible situation, trying to win the affections of a man who was not free to return her sentiments.

By no fault of her own she had been doomed to unhappiness, trapped by a society that did not afford young women the right to choose their own destinies and did not allow them a way out of unhappy marriages.

She was as bond by the rules of their time as Edward was, both condemned to a half life where no illusions could survive. For the first time he realized the crime Jasper was committing against Lady Swan, by making her love him. He also felt the injustice of his own predicament, forever devoted to a man who would never be entirely his.

He was free to walk away, but she would be the one left to deal with the unbearable weight of truths untold.

_The paths of destiny were erased..._


	208. Chapter 208

_The paths of destiny were erased..._

A life altering decision loomed on Edward's horizon, no matter what path he chose to walk, heartbreak was a certainty. It was only a matter of ascertaining which consequences he was willing to face. No help would come from Jasper, for he was set on his course and any attempt to talk about his impending nuptials was rebuffed, his choice had been made. And Bella was an innocent soul who did not deserve to be tainted by the truth of her circumstances.

The responsibility for the futures of three persons rested entirely on Edward's shoulders. Should he choose wisely, perhaps all three of them could be content, if not happy. Otherwise, he would crush all of them with sorrow and disappointment.

He prayed for an answer and it came one evening, in the gardens outside a crowded ballroom. There he witnessed a passionate embrace, the man's mouth showering kisses on the woman's breast. She moaned her love and adoration. And when the man lifted his head his eyes shone with passion and unmistakable affection.

Edward was confronted with the bitter realization that Jasper was not just putting a show. There was sentiment behind his performance.

And the decision was made.

_Devastating futures..._


	209. Chapter 209

_Devastating futures..._

The eve before Jasper's marriage found the lovers enjoying the comfort of Jasper's bed. The servants had been given a day off, affording the privacy they needed for their goodbyes. Jasper would be gone for a month long honeymoon, taking his bride to the continent.

Jasper had been less than gentle when taking Edward's body, the fierceness of his lovemaking only adding to Edward's heartache. Jasper's expertise tormented Edward into delirious pleasure, twisted his body in writhing agony, rendered him into absolute surrender and fulfilled his needs with forceful determination.

For his part, Edward had been gentle and sweet, worshipping the body of his beloved, thrusting inside his body with tender determination. He had been slow in entering Jasper's welcoming heat, showing all the love in his heart by staring into Jasper's teary eyes. It was emotionally devastating, an experience to last a lifetime.

They were happy and satisfied, cuddling on the warmth of each other's embrace, whispering like two youths, smiling like two persons in love. It was a respite from the stark reality about to descend upon their lives.

_Loving was not enough..._


	210. Chapter 210

_Loving was not enough..._

Edward stood as Jasper's best man, quietly observing the joy on the bride's eyes and the pride on the groom's smile. They were a fetching couple, the toast of the ton, every schoolgirl's dream of love. At least on the surface.

The bride was too naive to understand that her illusions were fated to be shattered, too defenceless to survive her husband's past, too unprepared to deal with the truth. She was the true victim and Edward lamented ever taking part on the events which would undoubtedly trigger her incoming heartbreak.

The groom had started his life as an honourable man, however somewhere along the way he had turned into a deceitful manipulator, to whom any sense of honour could never be attributed. So lost in his lies, Jasper had never considered the damage he was causing to an innocent girl. Edward realized he had deflagrated the process that turned Jasper into an insincere lover; however the choice to remain on the wrong path had been entirely Jasper's, for he had chosen not to listen to Edward's pleas.

A stolen kiss on a balcony marked their farewell. To Jasper's mind it would be a month long separation; to Edward's a lifetime spent apart. In the end both predictions would be proven wrong, for it would be ten years before they saw each other again.

_Lost to me by your own will..._


	211. Chapter 211

**AN:** The last chapter of **"Perception"** has already been posted - Lord Cullen is finally punished.

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><p><em>Lost to me by your own will...<em>

Later that night, Edward embarked on a ship sailing towards India. He would tour the world and try to leave behind the memory of an all encompassing love, so big it would survive life and death, defying time to find it's happily ever after.

The purity of their love had been tainted by a series of mistakes, but the final blow was delivered by Edward's fear and Jasper's wish to conform. The beauty of their beginning had been contorted into the strangeness of secrecy and the lovers became a parody of what they had been.

In the end, a love that survived the laws of men and God, the underhanded manoeuvres of a spiteful man and all other obstacles life presented, perished under the stupidity of untried lovers. Both would suffer under the tyranny of unforeseen consequences, for neither had anticipated where their tortuous choices would lead them. They had simply stumbled through life, like so many others before them, blind to the bigger picture, too involved with their daily lives to analyse the outcome of their present actions.

The bitter fee of a ten year separation would have the former lovers meet again as strangers.

_The true finale was yet to come..._


	212. Chapter 212

_**Ten years later...**_

_The true finale was yet to come..._

To the observer nothing seems out of place. There is music, merriment, dancing, flirting. It is just another ball, a convenient excuse to assignments, gossip and backstabbing. The ton is once again gathered, sharing boredom and general discontentment. The futility of their lives is disguised by fripperies and expensive trinkets, their lack of wit masked by the rules of polite conversation. They are all puppets manipulated by the tyranny of unreasonable rules dating to a time before time, when God supposedly created right and wrong, forever dooming a good part of his children to the bleak existence of living on the shadows of their own natures.

The untrained eyes wouldn't spot the blond man standing outside the french doors, bathed in seasoned _ennui_. Once he had despised the silly fops who allegedly suffered from the malady of the soul, now he understands it better than he cares to admit. Life had been his to savour; love, his to enjoy. However, the inevitable had touched the path of his destiny and all that he had ever cared about had been ripped from him and securely kept out of his reach.

His back to the ballroom he seems to look for something. Anything. Anyone. The face of a friend. A reason to continue. His chest constricts painfully, for there are many faces he recognizes, but none he can associate with the word friend. Some had been companions, sharing the same debauched pleasures he entertains himself with. Others had been lovers, sharing their bodies but never their hearts. The rest belonged to the category of acquaintances, friendly enough due to his title and fortune. Not a single one of them would ever hold his hand or dry his tears.

Finding nothing, he moves back toward the crowd. "Might as well mingle", he thinks. The same inane conversions and empty liaisons wait inside. For years he has been trying to erase the memories of his mistakes by diving into a life he despises, seeking in other bodies the warmth of the lover his skin could never forget; for on those fleeting moments of orgasmic obliviousness, he flutters somewhere above the hell he created, almost grasping the sense of completeness he had once taken for granted. Afterwards, he leaves another lover's bed, for he does not care to share his pain and tears.

The possibilities lost along the way, haunt and torment his weary soul. In attempting to conquer every desire, he lost everything he needed. Sometimes the weight of futures that never came to pass is so crushing that he resorts to the unconsciousness only opium can afford. Locked inside his mind, he lives the life he had dreamed of, forgetting the reality where everyone he had ever loved was out of his reach.

To death he lost his parents; to callousness, his wife; to ignorance, his only son; but above all he lost the love of his life to the iniquity of society and the foolishness of trying to abide by its laws. Deciding not to dwell on the past he cannot change; Jasper asks a pretty chit for the honour of a dance. The giggling girl is more than happy to oblige the request of the dashing Duke, after all he is now considered a bachelor, a prized prey to the marriage mart. He smiles, flirts and flatters the young miss, all the while praying for the dance to be over. Handing the chit to her beaming chaperone, Jasper sighs inwardly, since another overly ambitious mother is clearly making plans to trap him into marriage.

He thinks about leaving the ball and seek for more adult entertainment, his boredom demanding a change of scenery. Suddenly, a cacophony of blinding color. Sound. Taste. And boredom is nowhere to be seen. His weary lips form the one word he never thought to pronounce again...

_Edward_...

* * *

><p><em>I miss you...<em>

Ten years ago Edward had departed from England with a broken heart and no expectation of ever returning. He had trusted his affairs to a highly qualified solicitor who throughout the years had proved himself to be more than trustworthy.

Wealthy and unattached, Edward had been chased mercilessly by women and men, his beauty and charm enchanting whoever crossed his path. However, he knew that only time could heal his wounds and taking a man to his bed while wishing for his former lover would be less than fair.

He wanted to go back and beg Jasper for whatever scraps he saw fit to spare to his former lover. He yearned for the other half of his soul, wondering about his happiness, his health, his life. It would have been so easy to go back, but at the same time so complicated. The love would be the same but so would the problems. Perhaps, he could write to Jasper but it would hurt if he chose to disregard the letter and even more so if an answer came. Either way Edward would lose.

Fighting the temptation to write to Jasper, Edward decided to put even more distance between them, so that the pull to go back could lessen. Touring the former colonies, he met Peter Meyer and his life was forever altered.

_No longer mine..._

* * *

><p><em>But so heartbreakingly you...<em>

Like a man jolted out of a never ending nightmare, Jasper's senses are heightened, his heartbeat accelerated, his hands sweating, his pupils dilated. A few feet away his soul mate stares back at him, an almost smile on his beautiful lips. Not even the staggering pain on his mauled leg can hinder his advance, for his dream is finally within his grasp.

Edward's eyes are shinning with so much love and adoration that Jasper allows himself to believe that a reconciliation is about to come. And they will be happy again, for having tasted the bitterness of separation, Jasper is eager for the sweetness of a reunion to the true holder of his soul.

He pushes through the compact mass of bodies crowding the ballroom, he is a man fighting for survival, Edward is life and Jasper is desperate to live again. From the corner of his eye he sees another man walking towards Edward, the possessive glint on his eyes convey something Jasper is not ready to acknowledge, so he just stops midway. Unable to go back, unwilling to go forward.

_A nightmare within a nightmare..._

* * *

><p><em>Bittersweet reunion...<em>

Under the watchful eyes of his current lover, Edward signals Jasper to a balcony on the far end of the room. Bewildered Jasper simply follows, too hurt to care about the curious eyes of the onlookers. His heart denies the truth his mind already absorbed. Edward had moved on to a lover better suited to fulfill his needs.

Seeing the happy smiles the couple exchanges, Jasper feels the rising of blinding anger. Had he been alone in his feelings? Did Edward ever truly care about him? Surely not, for Jasper cannot imagine moving on from Edward, he had always been and will always be his true love. Edward only had to ask and Jasper would defy the laws of God and men, he would give up his title and his fortune.

Jasper straightens his spine thinking that maybe something can be arranged, maybe Edward just wants to get a rise out of him. He simply has to make the right offer and Edward will fall on his lap. Surely, he does not really love the man, for a love as great as theirs could never be supplanted by any other connection. Yes, he has the tools and the ability to convince Edward to take him back.

However, the mistakes he made cannot be erased. They share a past filled with love but also with so much pain. They had mercilessly wounded each other and now both of their hearts bear the marks of their vicious way of loving. Going back to him, Edward would be constantly confronted with Jasper's errors, for they are everywhere. Every woman he had taken to bed, every man he had desired would be there standing between them. Jasper gasps for air, for his lungs are constricting and his heart has stopped beating.

Like a revelation, the truth comes to him. Edward has someone new and he is good to him, a fact evidenced by the man's willingness to step aside whilst Edward talks with his former beau, him. That's what Jasper is now, just the former flame of the love of his life. He was callous and uncaring, too blind to see the finality of Edward's goodbye on that eve ten long years ago. But now his eyes are opened and it is time to accept his lot in life.

Squaring his shoulders he goes to the balcony and says the only three words that can possibly pass through the lamp on his throat. Edward bends his head, returns the sentiment and adds the most heartbreaking phrase Jasper has ever heard: "I have someone else". The statement allows for no questioning. On Edward's eyes the affection and pride for his new lover. Jasper belongs in the past.

Edward came to him for closure and Jasper would offer the best one he could muster. Jasper sheds no tears, holding his tongue against the urge to beg Edward to stay. Jasper wants to create a good memory, a perfect goodbye to the other half of him. So he puts his arms around Edward and they quietly dance for the very last time.

_A song to say goodbye..._

* * *

><p><em>The shrine of the deceased...<em>

Returning to his country estate, Jasper visits his tenants and sees to his affairs. He writes a generous testament leaving every unentailed property and blunt to his wayward former wife, for indirectly he will also be providing for his son. Neither will ever know the truth of their circumstances, but Jasper had learned that sometimes truth is overrated.

He leaves specific instructions to his younger brother, detailing the way the estate should be managed. It is an attempt to reach out to the sibling he had always ignored. His stepmother had groomed her son to become a Duke, hopping that Jasper would perish before siring an heir. Jasper now acknowledges the old crone's wisdom.

After everything is taken care of, Jasper goes to a meeting with his destiny. On the sanctuary of his one and only love, he ties a rock to his feet and allows his body to sink to the darkness of the same lake that once had witnessed the birth of a love bigger than life. His last thoughts are of Edward and how much he hopes they could ever meet again.

Back at the manor, a letter lays on a desk. It will be a year before it is delivered to the addressee.

* * *

><p>"<em>Like a ray of light you blinded my vision. On my heart and mind it has always been you. Love of my life, master of my soul, I could have continued living if the illusion of your return had not been shattered on that ballroom. But now it is too late to forget the sight of you loving another. I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused you. My last gift to you is our story, told through my eyes, so you can see how loved you were, even if I failed to show it properly. Feel no guilt, for it was my choice. Do not waste yourself on impossible possibilities. Be happy, for me, for you... For all we could have been.<em>

_Until we meet again,_

_Love Jasper."_

What do you do when the love of your life speaks from his grave telling you all the tidbits of your shared history that your own selfishness prevented you from seeing? Edward will fall to the floor sobbing on the arms of the wrong man. He will forever remember the time when love was real and pray for a reunion with the only men he had ever loved.

"_The same as real life, there is no happily ever after". Chuck Palahniuk._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>Ever wondered what the italicized text on the beginning and the end of each chapter means? Well, they are snippets of Jasper's final letter to Edward.

This is the end I have always intended for TToUC, however I fell in love with these characters and had to offer some glimmer of hope. If you choose to, you can stop here and read this tale as it was originally conceived. Or you can join me on the next chapter, after all inside my cynical 32 year old self, lives the soul of the immortal romantic forever seventeen who believes that happily ever after always comes even if it defies the laws of time and the limits of space. Nobody can defeat fate; it always finds its way back to you.


	213. Chapter 213

_**Many lifetimes later...**_

"_I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may seal your vows with a kiss."_

Jasper took Edward into his arms and passionately kissed the love of his life. Their lives hadn't been easy, unfortunately, prejudice was very much alive. But despite all the bitter experiences they had, the sweetness of their love had prevailed.

They had known each other for the best part of their lives, ever since Edward had moved in right next to Jasper's house. They were five at the time and became fast friends, over the fondness for candy and the intrepid exploration of their backyards.

The raging explosion of puberty presented Edward with the unwelcomed realization of his homosexuality. Even on the 21th century being gay put a dent on one's plans for the future. He quickly came to terms with his discovery, having psychologists as parents had worked wonders on his self-confidence. Coming out of the closet had been anti-climatic, since his parents simply commented that they were glad he had finally realized it.

Sharing the truth of his sexuality with the rest of the world proved more trying. His female friends welcomed him within their arms, but his male friends avoided him at all costs, politely giving him the cold shoulder. It was an awkward situation, because even though the girls meant well, he was not one of them and he craved male activities, to which he was no longer invited.

One day he was walking home from school when out of the blue a guy jumped on him, knocking him to the ground. He mocked Edward, calling him horrible names, beating him unmercifully. It was the first active demonstration of bigotry he endured. Surprisingly, Jasper had come to his rescue. Later he would admonish Edward, saying that if he had kept his mouth shut none of that would ever have happened.

Unbeknown to Edward, Jasper was also dealing with the confusion of finding out he wasn't into girls. Worst of all, Jasper's family was extremely religious and ever since Edward's revelation forbade any contact between the boys. To top what was already a horrible mix, Jasper had been in love with Edward for years.

After the incident, disobeying parental orders, Jasper started to accompany Edward wherever he went. It was meant only as a precaution against other attacks. However, the gossip mill was at its full potency and Jasper's parents caught wind of the rumours. Tossing Jasper out, they moved away to an unknown location.

Being only seventeen, Jasper would have been sent to a foster home, however Edward's parents welcomed him into their lives, accepting him as a son. Under their care, Jasper flourished and became strong enough to come out of the closet. Despite his feelings for Edward, which he believed were unrequited, he got himself a boyfriend, entering a relationship that would last for years.

For his part, Edward had a soft spot for Jasper, but his eagerness to brave the world kept him from grasping the full scope of his feelings. He enjoyed the company of many men, making the word promiscuous seem obsolete. He spent years jumping from one bed to the other, never looking behind, always searching for the next partner.

They had gone to different colleges; however the holidays were always spent in family. By tacit agreement, the boys never took any boyfriends home. It was their time together and both cherished the opportunity to concentrate on each other.

One night, Edward was on the prowl when he noticed Jasper sitting alone on the bar. Approaching him, they started to talk, one thing led to another and they discovered the meaning of a transcendent experience. The veil that prevented love from shinning had been lifted and they had been together ever since.

Their relationship had ups and downs like any other, both had been tempted to stray but had resisted valiantly the advances of their would be seducers. Sagely advised by their parents, they always talked about everything, communicating all doubts and sorrows, carefully nursing their love and taking care of each other's hearts.

And now they had made it to the altar sealing a bond that against logic, both felt came from a time predating their births. Cutting the cake, Jasper wondered how their lives would have been like if they had been born centuries earlier, in a less accepting society. Would their love have survived? Somewhere deep inside he knew the answer, however he didn't care to analyse it. His conjectures bore no consequence, for they were together living their happily ever after.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>This is truly the only HEA I could offer you, I could never envision the lovers living a lie together (or getting away with it for that matter). Coming Monday the first chapter of a little drabble telling the story of Jasper's marriage will be posted. If you are interested keep your eyes opened to **"The Unbearable Weight of Truths Untold"**.

This was my first writing attempt and I'm asking for your help.** Please leave me a review** telling your thoughts and impressions.

I'd like to thank everyone who took a chance at this story, but especially to those of you who took the time to gift me with a review. I read all of them and responded whenever possible. To my anonymous reviewers, I'd like to express my regrets because I would love to respond to you, but as you well know it, I can't. Nevertheless, rest assured that I read your words and took them to my heart.

Two ladies were extremely important throughout this story:

On TWCS: **Angelik**, a lady in every sense of the word. She painstakingly reviewed every single chapter, offering precious insights into the minds of the characters. She was also kind enough to spare the time to pre-read some of the chapters. Thank you so much for your support.

On **: Dazzlingrockstar**, an amazing artist and a sensitive soul. A very talented author who took the time to read and review my little story. She is a kindred spirit, who effortlessly nursed my sometimes bruised ego, always offering me the words I need to keep on going. Thank you for talking to me.

Once again thank you to all of you.

Kisses, Mina


	214. Outtake  A Mighty Stranger

"_If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it. My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being." _

― _Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights._

On a warm July afternoon, by the window of a busy French _café_ sat an old, lonely man. He was a regular patron, always polite but never chatty. Unlike other men, he never flirted with the _seuverses_, therefore inspiring their respect and admiration. The girls went out of their way to make him feel welcomed and he appreciated their efforts. Having no children of his own, he regarded the young misses as a father would a daughter. That's how lonely the Earl of Masen had become.

He once had been a handsome man, but time and heartbreak had ravaged his features as they had his soul. There were more lines surrounding his eyes than around his mouth, signalling a man who had known the power of sorrow but had little laughter to sooth his hurts. Nevertheless, he was not a bitter soul, choosing to suffer in silence, away from the prying eyes of the world. Regrets were usually saved for the privacy of his study, where he sat in front of the fireplace with a snifter of brandy on his hands. Ensconced on his small but cozy home, he stared at the fire, wishing for its flames to consume his weary body and obliterate his aching heart.

Later, enveloped by the cold sheets of a too spacious bed, he wondered if loneliness had been his fate all along or if it was a consequence of his misguided choices. Either way, no musing could change the outcome, so he dealt with it as well as he could. But, on those precious moments when the conscious mind hovered between the realm of the living and the land of the dreaming, his barriers collapsed and the past flashed before his eyes. The memories of loves past, one worn out, the other impossible, stole his breath away; then there was no other option besides allowing the flood of memories to run free.

He saw himself as a young man being received by America's elite like some sort of unattainable rare species. The _nouveaux riches_ enchanted by the presence of a true peer, whose bloodlines could be traced to the reign of Edward VII, treated him as a _demi-god_. It amused Edward as well as it irritated him. Of course, he had many offers from girls seeking marriage to grown women with lewd intents, he found himself busy escaping their ambitious, grabbing hands. It was during a narrow escape from a scheming widow that Edward met Peter, another poor sod chased mercilessly by the outspoken American women.

Peter was a nice, easygoing man and they became fast friends. It did not escape Edward's notice that the man never sought female companionship, but he was recalcitrant about approaching his new friend with his observations. Peter, perceptive man that he was, noticed Edward's hesitancy and decided to put the man out of his misery, for he knew both of them shared the same secret.

They were comfortable in each other's companies and one night, after drinking too much spirits they ended up in bed. For Edward it had been long years since the last time he felt the touch of a man; Peter had shared his body with only one man prior to Edward, his companion for over twenty years who had recently passed away. It was a sweet and loving union; there was not much passion between the lovers, but a lot of respect and affection.

It was a calm and comforting type of relationship; they talked, made love and shared their secrets. It was after one of their interludes that Peter suggested that Edward should come back to England and bid Jasper a proper farewell. At first Edward was disheartened at the prospect. England was a lifetime away, the pain had been buried for too long and he did not care about unearthing it. But some time later it became clear that Peter was insecure about his position on Edward's life and needed the reassurance that he would not be thrown away for Jasper. It was an irrational fear, given that Edward was the one to walk away.

As destiny would have it, the decision was taken from Edward's hands when the solicitor in charge of his affairs died unexpectedly. Coming back to England, Edward first so to business, using that time to steel himself for the most difficult task he had ever performed: walking away from the love of his life for a second time. If Edward had been honest with himself, he would have admitted that he was partially elated by the prospect of hurting Jasper by flaunting Peter as his new lover. But he was not honest and convinced himself that Peter was his new love and for him he would face the ghost of a past love.

The best lies are those we tell ourselves; maybe that's the reason why Edward felt nothing but a little nostalgia when dancing with Jasper. There wasn't the torrent of emotions that usually marked all of their previous encounters, there was only that lingering sweetness that never seemed to fade. He failed to understand that the ardour of passion had cooled, but the flame of love was still there. Too blinded by his own perception of what had transpired ten years past, Edward walked away, leaving behind a man without reason or hope, desperate for a way out. Edward and Peter sailed away without hearing the news of Jasper's demise.

A year later, Edward was no longer so sure of his love for Peter. Their lovemaking became boring and their conversation stilted. Strangely, he did not feel unsettled by the eminent demise of his relationship, nor did he want to fight for it. It had been fun for a while, however he could finally see that his current relationship paled in comparison to the one he had had with Jasper. Peter was an infatuation, born out of carnal satisfaction. Jasper was a real love born out of the soul. Edward was even toying with the idea of coming back to England and trying to make amends with Jasper. But it was not meant to be, for he received a letter from Jasper, a last testament of their love.

He cried and he despaired, Peter tried his best to consol Edward. Being met with stony silence and barely concealed anger, he decided to leave Edward to his own grief. Edward irrationally blamed Peter for Jasper's actions pushing him away, punishing him for crimes that Edward was not ready to admit as his own. Sinking into the dark well of depression, Edward did not even realize when Peter stopped visiting. He simply sat on the same spot, drinking and praying for the strength to put an end to his own suffering.

There was no reprieve from the darkness of losing the other part of his soul. He had been a fool not to seize the chance to make amends when seeing Jasper for the last time. Had he followed the pleadings of his soul, they could be together basking in their love. Instead Jasper was cold on a grave, being eaten by insects and Edward was dead, only his body still persisted to live. Edward tortured himself with all the possibilities of happiness that had been thrown away by his stupidity. He could have stayed the first time, had it not been for the jealousy consuming his soul. He could have stayed the second time, had it not been for his wounded pride clamouring for retribution.

Despite all his desperation, Edward still could not bring himself to end his life. That is the reason why the day Peter paid an unexpected visit Edward clang to him like a lifeline. They were together for the next twenty-five years, more as companions then lovers. Sometimes Peter would indicate his desire to bed Edward, who never withheld his favours but also never sought the other man. Peter had been less than faithful, but Edward could not begrudge the man for seeking the passion his partner no longer had. They lived the existence of a half couple until the day Peter clutched his chest and collapsed to the floor. Edward cried real tears for his friend, but felt none of the emptiness Jasper's death had caused.

Once again alone, Edward moved to Paris, hoping to find some contentment in observing the youths making their way in the world's most extraordinary city. He was determined not to spend his final days dwelling on regrets. Most of the time he was successful, but there was that uncontrollable time when, every night, the ghosts of his past haunted his present, leaving on his mouth the sour taste of bad choices and wrong courses, condemning his dreams to turn into ugly nightmares. When sleep at last silenced the workings of Edward's tortured mind he prayed for the strength to continue living.

Little did he know that he would never see the dawn of another day; his time on Earth had come to an end. On the other side, Jasper awaited with open arms ready to embrace the love of his soul. Together they would start their journey towards their happily ever after.

"_Death is the liberator of him whom freedom cannot release, the physician of him whom medicine cannot cure, and the comforter of him whom time cannot console." _

– _Charles Caleb Colton._

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><p><strong>AN: Thank you so much for reading. Please consider leaving me a review.<strong>


	215. Outtake - An Epistle of Love and Loss

**AN: **As hard as we try, no narrator can truly be omniscient – there are parts of the human psyche that are so carefully hidden that even the own person cannot access. However, despair has a way of arising memories and feelings, bringing to the surface things that were long denied. A man about to willingly step away from life decides to gift his lost love with the only thing he has to offer: the truth of his heart.

Remember those short italicized phrases that opened and closed each and every one of TToUC's chapters? Remember how I told you they were fragments of Jasper's letter to Edward? Well, this is Jasper's letter.

I would love to "hear" your thoughts.

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><p><em>"Edward...<em>

Amongst all the sins I perpetrated against our love, driving you away to the other side of the world is the one I regret the most. For the past ten years, I've been surviving on a diet of memories and fantasies, poor substitutes for the warmth of your body and the beauty of your soul. My existence has been such a vain attempt at denying the most devastating truth of my heart: _I miss you._

My mind is a cornucopia of sweet memories and bitter mistakes. I'm haunted by you, consumed by possibilities that never came to pass. Demons of guilt and depression trap me into an inescapable hell of self-imposed penance. In the midst of my despair, only the hope of seeing you again kept from falling over the edge.

And you came back... but not to me. It's too late for us... too late for me to atone for the profanity of hurting my soulmate. I can't erase the past and I can't be in your future... I have become a shell of a person, a sad reminder of the man I used to be. I have nothing to give, nothing to offer... except for the truth of my heart.

The decision to end my miserable existence has freed me from the constraints which kept you from learning the nature of my feelings and the extent of my sins. I'm no longer a peer, a gentleman, an image... I'm a man in love saying goodbye to the owner of my heart. I just want you to know... to understand... Can you bear with this dying man's rant for a bit? As a last favour to a past lover, a former soulmate.

Do you remember the day we met? It was the first time _you smiled_ my smile... the one that used to be only for me. Even as a child, you had an amazing ability to disregard rules and expectations. _Your hand was so small_, but it firmly held on to mine. It was the pivotal point of my life, the one that changed everything. Oh, it was magical... _I wanted to stay with you forever_, but even though we weren't old enough to name our feelings, both of us knew that the way we felt wasn't the way we were supposed to feel.

_Your beautiful green eyes gleamed with determination_ while mine held only doubt and confusion. You knew, didn't you? You knew our true nature. You knew and you accepted it. But how, my love? How could you possibly be as wise as that at the tender age of eleven? Why was it so easy for you to embrace our unnatural feelings? Why was it so difficult for me? Even now, as my heart is breaking over you, I can't help but feel wrong and sinful.

There is so much you don't know... Did you know that _the memory of you was exquisite agony_ to my adolescent body? There I was, a lad of thirteen burning with needs I could not name, elicited by someone I could not touch. No, I couldn't touch you, but I could touch myself... and I did. The first time I spent my seed was with your name on my lips, because _when your touch branded my skin I discovered desire_... Yes, just the memory of your hand against mine was enough to bring me relief from the lust consuming my body. But after the glow of my first orgasm had faded, _I ached for the comfort of your arms._

However, the all-consuming need I felt for you made me angry. _I blamed you for making me different._ And I didn't want to be different... I just wanted to be a good son, a good student, an upstanding peer of the realm. I wanted to be the perfect gentleman and in my naïveté I thought that I could somehow turn myself into the man I wanted to be. The attraction I felt... _I was determined to fight it._ With all my mighty, _I kept you out of my conscious mind_. I concentrated on my studies, I made friends... I pretended to be normal. But just as a being of nightmares, _you were always there, lurking in the shadows._ It was frustrating how willing my mind was to betray me. I didn't know what to do – _I felt lonely and scared facing the abysm of the unknown._

Did you know that my Eton mates presented me with a whore on my fifteenth birthday? Did you know that I never touched her? It could have been the demise of my pretence had it not been for the wisdom of the woman who, instead of mocking my lack of enthusiasm, chose to educate me on the ways of desire. No, she didn't arouse me, but _my body was burning with remembered fire_, the kind only you could ever inspire.

And then you were at Eton and _once again your sweet face blinded my eyes_. Suddenly, you were no longer a fantasy or a memory... You, the only one who ever saw me for who I truly am... Right there, in the crowded courtyard, I surrendered..._and your eyes unlocked the doors I firmly held closed_. I knew that my dreams of normalcy would never come to pass, so _I buried who I thought I was and became just Jasper_.

I didn't know exactly who Jasper was... hell, I still don't know, but I didn't care because _words were unnecessary before the sight of you_. That's the thing I used to love about us: we had no use for words – we just knew. Our communication belonged to a different level of existence, one that not many are ready to experience. But you were... and you were kind enough to take me with you. _You took the lead and showed me sweetness_... without you I would have never found the courage to experience the things I did... to be true to myself, even if only for a little while.

Our time at Eton is one of my fondest memories, did you know that? We were so innocent... our love so pure... I felt safe because _within your embrace I found my place in this world_. But we weren't free to love. Eyes followed us everywhere and we had to pretend. _Disengaging our hands was letting go of my heart_... every time we jumped apart because someone was approaching I was reminded of the precariousness of our situation. I felt trapped – _only our surreptitious encounters allowed me to breathe again_.

Oh, your nightly visits... having you within my arms was heaven. The first night you came to me... _that night you said you would always be Edward to me_. Not a lord, not a surname... your Christian name, the one meant only for the intimacy of your most cherished friends, family... meant for your spouse, for me. Having you so close... _it was pleasure tainted with fear_. Fear of the desire I felt, of discovery, of losing you, of keeping you. I accepted us and rejected us at the same time because... _it was desire tampered by reason_ – the reason that seemed to have evaded you, though I doubt you had any to start with. You never feared, so I believe you never considered... Were you that reckless?

Or were you wise enough to know that we couldn't escape ourselves? I oscillate between two contradictory opinions, but I will never know, will I? I wish you had told me, I wish I had asked. Deep inside I know that _you have always been wise beyond your years_, it's just that... Why didn't you feel the same fear that twisted my guts? The one that never left me? A part of me needs to believe that you are the one who was wrong, because that is the only way to salvage my self-respect, or at least part of it.

Yes, you were wise, but not wise enough to spare me from the truth of your betrayal. Why didn't you wait for me? You knew, you understood... You told me that you always knew we were meant to be, so why did you give yourself to another? Your lewdness was the first stain to our story. I came to you clean, why did you come to me tainted? You gave yourself to a stable boy, a servant... and you claimed to have been in love with me all along. How could I possibly believe that?

Back then I didn't understand the trappings of desire. I just wanted to escape, but _there was no sanctuary from the sound of your voice_. Anger made me want to harm you, make you feel the rage I felt, make you jealous. _It was retribution at its lowest form_, but I couldn't help myself. Encouraging James was _foolishly hurting myself by trying to hurt you_. And in the chaos that followed my failed revenge _I needed your strength to hold myself together_. Love prevailed and we learned the value of forgiveness... _two repentant boys soothing each other's hurts_.

There were no more lies between us, no secrets or lingering bitterness. Love was real and _paradise seemed attainable_. _Like a prayer, I told you of my love_, opening myself to you. I held nothing back and you responded in kind. We shared _stolen pieces of an idyllic existence_ – it was beautiful, perfect, transitory. The winter that followed was for love... we behaved like _two courageous youths grasping love with all their mighty_. But even then there was an ache within my chest, a foreboding feeling of _missing what was still mine_.

The pain of rejection was still a bit far into the future. By the lake where we first touched, _we said our vows of eternal love._ Did you truly mean them? Or were you already planning the second blow to my heart? Innocence still guided my actions and _my only wish, to satisfy your desire. _And I did many, many times. I could never have guessed the pride and pleasure I felt knowing that there was _a part of me forever living in you_.

Back at Eton, we were once again faced with the challenges of living a double life. _I feared for you and me_, for our safety. Once again I was proven right, for you were in constant danger. Why did you decide to suffer alone? Why didn't you tell me about the other boy's advances? I would have fought for you, protected you... You were mine to love and to keep safe. Why didn't you let me? _Even though fearless you were not stupid_, you should have known better than to seek comfort in that woman's arms. I can't even remember her name, but I still resent the jealousy she elicited, the fact that _having her was the natural way, I was the aberration_.

I was _raging like a bull, hurting like a rabbit_... As usual I chose to lash out instead of talking. I succeeded, didn't I? In breaking you, wounding you... like I was wounded. But I came to my senses and accepted your innocence. Contrite, I went to you and _at that moment only hope sustained my steps_. You were so generous... again I should have known better. _All forgiven, nothing forgotten_, right? I believe that episode was the catalyst for your later actions.

However, before my dream crumbled to pieces, we were consumed by the embers of desire. _The heart thumped as my body throbbed_ the first time you surrendered your body to me. Through u_nspoken words placed on unmoving lips_, we silently stated our love and devotion. As I entered your body, you allowed me into _the unfathomable depths of your soul_. Overwhelmed and overjoyed_ my eyes welled with tears of an unnamed emotion_. For many years said emotion remained unnamed, only now, as I relive the past and peel away the layers of denial protecting the truth, can I recognize those tears for what they were: the lament of a boy who knew that happiness is ephemeral.

The menace of reality loomed on the horizon, like _weeds spoiling the most perfect garden_, but I only cared about how _the pale night of moonlight bathed your naked skin_. Those stolen moments of bliss when our bodies connected filled me with the overwhelming joy of a well loved man... _there you were mine, only mine_. Sharing has never crossed my mind – I've always been a possessive lover. I loved to have all of your attention, all of your smiles, all of your affection... It was almost like I could sense that I wouldn't be allowed to keep you forever.

_The only gift I ever asked for_ was you, with me, forever. But my prayers would be left answered, wouldn't day? For you succumbed to _a ghost haunting the living_. I clang to you, like an infant does to his favourite toy. Do you know why? Do you even care that I had what can only be described as _a premonition and a memory_? A memory of your first betrayal, a premonition of your incoming treachery.

I never had the nerve to ask before, but why did you do it? Even after forgiving you, I never truly understood the reason for your deceit. Was it _an action born out of fear_? Were you scared of our looming separation? Did you think I wanted it? Or worst, that I knew about it, but failed to tell you? I did the only thing I could have done: _I surrendered myself to the inevitable_. But you had plans of your own, didn't you?

You brought him to my home... Right underneath my nose and didn't even bother to prepare me... I had to find out for myself. The sight of your former lover was _like a poison blackening my vision_. Did you know how hard I fought to control myself? But _keeping my shortcomings from hurting you_ was my sole purpose, so I endured. And you rewarded me by showering me with attention and love, but it was _a brief respite from the dramatic play waiting for its leading actors _and nothing more. Were your attentions a diversion technique? Were you already tainting our love by lying with him? I never knew... Do I want to know? It doesn't matter now because I will never know the answer.

Why, Edward? What did your betrayal mean to you? Was it _an unorthodox solution to an unnatural problem_, namely me? Was it a moment of weakness? No, it doesn't matter because it hurt all the same. You had the_ arms of a saviour, mind of a tormentor_... while you embraced me you plotted a way to meet him, didn't you? Why didn't you just talk to me? That's what hurts the most: knowing that while I bared my soul to you, you were thinking of another or at least of a way to get rid of me. Yes, I've entertained the possibility that you wanted me to see you with him... Was that it? Were you exacting your revenge on me? That would have been irrational, it wasn't my fault... didn't you know that? I didn't want to be sent away.

Seeing you engaged in an act of lust and deceit was the catalyst to my descent to the lowest pits of debauchery. Yes, _the death of my innocence rests on your shoulders_, but what I truly mourn is the loss of my dreams of romance and my hope for a happy ending. _By forsaking our love you erased the path of our fate_ and replaced it with a nightmare of hurt and separation. We could have been beautiful... Oh, so beautiful...

Choices were made and lives were altered. By choosing to be the villain instead of accepting the role of a victim I forced you to _behold the monster born out of the ashes of your former lover_. But there was _so much heartbreak on your deceitful eyes_... Why Edward? Why did you care? Hadn't you just welcomed another man into your body? Was it because she was a woman? I did to you what you did to me, but the pain written all over your face when you saw me with her made me feel guilty. Your face turned red with... anger? jealousy? shame? There you stood, _scarlet as the deep end of a heaven turned hell_ while I was perversely satisfied by the pain I was causing you.

Now that many years have passed, I wonder if everything was what it seemed to be. Was there something other than lust compelling your hideous actions? An ulterior motive? I will forever be _foolishly trapped by my own ignorance_, because, despite everything, I will always doubt: a part of me is constantly _wondering if any truth ever escaped your lips_. Because I was desperately _needing a friend to help me understand_ the loss of my soulmate's love I ended up falling into the clutches of the man whose deceitful personality eventually trapped me into an impossible bargain.

In his arms, _I cried all the sorrow of my heart._ With him I learned how to be a libertine... _Anything to distract me from loving you_ because I couldn't take it anymore. Loving you was too painful and losing myself to the sins of the flesh, too tempting. But not everything was about forgetting you. A good portion of my choices were dictated by the need to make you understand the depth of my rejection... of you, of what we shared.

The day I flaunted my mistress before your hurt eyes was a desperate attempt at proving that I was over you... but I wasn't. Deep inside I wanted to harm you because then I would know that you still cared. And you did... _your heartbreak plain to the eyes, but impossible to understand_. After so much time we still loved each other. Why did you hurt me? Why did I hurt you? Why did you let me lead that kind of life? There were _so many things tainting my innocence_, completing the work you had started.

Though cautioned by you, I was unprepared to the darkness that descended into my existence. _Like a serpent insinuating itself into my life_, came _a devil in lady's clothes_. She took me to the lion's den were iniquity left a deep scar in my wary soul. _Illuminating my darkness with your wisdom _wasn't enough, for they were _words of advice given by a scorned lover_. In the aftermath of our encounter at the opera house I was left unsettled by a sense of impending tragedy...

_Prescience or inference, I will never know_ which, but I was aware of the malevolence lingering in the air. I should have listened to the bells ringing in my mind, but _everything ceased to exist but the bliss of taking and being taken_. Thus started an obsession that would culminate with my marriage to the daughter of a monster: with _a rape of the soul and a degradation of the body _that I could no longer feel as my own.

Terrified of the man I had become, I came to you in despair. _In your eyes there were no lies or deceit, just the never ending love you used to feel_. Had you felt it all along? Were you mine, truly mine even after you betrayed me? I wanted to know, to tell you the truth I still do, because _coming back to you, despite everything_ you had done made me realize that I was _still yours, so yours_.

However, we were not the same... I had changed so much that I could barely recognize myself on the mirror – the man staring back at me was a dissipated version of the boy I used to be. At that moment I stood at a crossroads: _needing to be something other, losing what I was_... I was nothing but memories and prospects – a being with without a present. I wasn't ready to trust you again... to let my love shine. I needed to regain my sense of self worth. _You had to let me go, I had to let myself go_, but did you ever truly understand why? I think not... then, why did you let me go?

I wish you had stopped me, but at the same time I'm glad you didn't. _A young bird far from the nest_ is forced to learn how to spread its wings and learn to fly. Being stripped from the privileges of my station and having to face fear made me grow into a man. The things that had been so dear to me lost their meaning... pride was not on the forefront of my mind. So, I waited... I eagerly waited for a letter from you. For years you remained silent and it broke my heart. I wondered if you had forgotten me, moved on...

But then it came... _desperate pleas for what had already been given_. I had already forgiven your misstep, or at least decided that it wasn't enough to keep me from you. _No, I could never forget_ your betrayal, but I could choose to let go of my pride and came back to you. _Major Whitlock was going home_, but before our reunion could take place, I had some other obstacles to conquer.

On a dingy, uncomfortable bed, _my mauled body trembled anew with the force of fear_ of never seeing you again. There, I started to understand that I was partially responsible for our separation. I should have talked to you, fought for us...done everything I could to keep you with me. Inside my chest, hope for a happy reunion started to bloom _and I started to believe that redemption was within my reach_.

_Faith guided me back to my heart_ – to you, my love. The memory of you was _showing me the path long forgotten_... the one towards truth and honesty. My next step was _pouring my heart on a letter_ much shorter than this one, but just as emotional. _Beyond the words you saw the feelings unwritten_ – you understood the depth of my promise.

But you were no longer free to love me. My pride drove you to the arms of the very man responsible for the rift between us. He was older... I'm sure he seduced you, manipulated you. Yes, I laid the blame at his feet. You had a tough decision to make, but as always you came through for me – _however difficult, you always chose me and _

_I've always chosen you, even when I tried to deny it_. Do you realize that you weren't alone in your devotion? Can you understand how much you meant to me? How much you still mean to me?

Those early days of our blissful reunion were spent in a safe haven of love rediscovered. _We were whole and holy, sanctified in our love_. I was in awe of the man you had become, so loving, so caring, so gentle... And you accepted me despite of my scarred body and stained character. I could hardly believe in the good fortune of not only escaping death, but also being given life... Yes, because being with you meant that I was truly alive. Despite my physical limitations, I was truly happy because _in your arms the pain faded away_.

You became my alpha and my omega, my reason to be. You patiently listened to my confessions, understood my conflicts, forgave my mistakes... _more than my lover, my confidant_. Despite the painful words that needed to be said _we were playful and untroubled_, for we were celebrating our love and anticipating a happy future shared with each other.

_But perfection could never be maintained_, for life didn't stop. Our _happiness so easily lost_, crushed under the weight of death and responsibility. The loss of your parents was a terrible blow to your delicate heart. Despite my incessant, _feverish pray to take away your pain_ I could see you withering, but the worst part of it all was being _forbidden to give what you needed _by the moral laws of an hypocritical society. But _no common sense was enough to keep me from you_... I loved you too much, treasured your well being above everything, even safety.

I felt like a bull ready to kill for my mate... Y_our raw emotions bringing out the protector in me_, clouding my judgement, making me _so oblivious to the all seeing eyes of prejudice_. Do you remember my father's visit? It was the first sign of trouble. I should have paid closer attention, but I was so consumed by need to protect you, so absorbed by the belief of destined mates that I failed...

Oh, my father... I came to him _armed for a war of wills_... Did you know that I never truly asked for his forgiveness? He was a loving man, on his own way... Oh, _preconception of mine, obscuring the light of love_... He loved me you know? Only now can I appreciate how much... How much he had to deny and overcome in order to help me on my darkest hour.

_My sole focus your wellbeing_... I wasn't ready to deal with my father. My eyes, heart and mind were yours, all yours... I lived only for the sensations... _your taste so vivid on my tongue... the impression of your desire on my flesh_. For me it was a perfect time, because we lived _side by side, companions, partners, lovers_... But it wasn't enough, not for you. Did you think I would never realize? I could feel your _mind out of my reach_... I thought _we were each other's rock_, but we were not.

The time spent in your country estate was my ideal of delight, but I could see that it wasn't enough to make you happy. I tried to not let it bother me, but it did... so very much. Why couldn't you be pleased? We had each other, we were relatively free to express our love... Why did you feel the need for more? I was so content... but I _felt your restlessness tugging at my heart_ and decided that _working hard for your happiness _was to be my only commitment.

Even though I was _wary of anyone beyond us_, I pushed my own feelings aside and re-entered society. Being inside those ballrooms was _like a vision of an unwanted future_. And I was right, wasn't I? That's where I spent a good portion of the past ten years... Back then, I had made _an oath for your everlasting happiness_. It was all for you... but you already knew it, didn't you? You were _happy, loved, confidant_.

However, there was _the thrill of temptation menacing the lull of love_. Did you truly believe that I wouldn't know? That I wouldn't notice? I could see how much you craved adventure, how much you desired some of the men whose eyes lingered on you. I did it all for you and even that wasn't enough. Don't you see? I felt like _an outsider in a world that should have been my own_, but I endured. For you! And you lusted after other man! How dared you?

I hated you for not valuing my efforts to please you. The desire to leave you was overwhelming... I had other options. I didn't have to suffer through your indifference or your wondering eyes. Every time I was about to leave you... I don't know, it was like you could sense it, because every time you came to me... _My lion, so beautiful and purposeful_. An every time I succumbed to your _exquisite seduction_. It was a vicious circle of abandonment and loving care... It confused me, scared me...

Life with you felt like _a loving tryst interrupted by reality_ – heaven and hell, nothing more, nothing less. I was never given the time to truly consider my predicament, for _a ghost from an unsettling past_ re-emerged, turning our routine upside-down... _His spectrum hovering over our heads_ threatened to drive us apart. Guilty and compassionated, you acted like _a needy man determined to wake the past_. We could no longer pretend to be _dancing on clouds, living on dreams_, for Emmett's arrest forced the prejudice of our time down our throats.

_The shadow of your past _obscured our love, for the concern you so obviously felt cut deep at my heart. _And I could feel your pain_, for your suffering has always been mine to endure. Instead of trying to talk about my own feelings, _protecting you in any way I could_ was the choice I made. As unbelievable as it was, I felt _my own feelings hurt by his predicament_. The thought that _it could have been you_ tortured my mind with images I'd rather not imagine.

However, my efforts to soothe your pain were left unnoticed. You never stopped to consider how much of a trial seeing you cry over another man was to me. By _holding yourself from me_, you fed the doubts gnawing at my insides. Did you regret choosing me? Given the choice to turn back time would you have chosen differently? Did you love him? But my heart wasn't important, so I did everything I could to help him.

_Your greatest asset, your heart_; your biggest flaw, the inability to realize how much I needed reassurance. I'm human, I bleed, I bruise... I needed words of love and your undivided attention. I sacrificed my needs in order to give you what you wanted... _It was all for you, to keep your heart from breaking_. However, it was a vain effort. In the end I was subjected to _the greatest pain, to see you make an impossible decision_, one I couldn't take from your hands. I was unable to salvage the situation... _a failure turned into a sea of regret._

I wasn't oblivious to the _pain tearing you apart_. Emmett was important – I knew it and I came to accept it. But wasn't I important too? _You were my strength_ and by choosing to alienate me you made me weak, vulnerable. I felt bad for his plight, I truly did, but I felt sorry for myself too. You cried so much over him _and I know part of your heart was buried with him_. You were the sole owner of my heart, but yours was divided. Oh, _waking dread, asleep agony_ of having to console you when I need comfort myself.

But you never truly needed me to pick up your pieces. So worried about _the broken boy, the rising man_ was almost lost to me. _So lonely in your grief, so scared in my preoccupation_... we led separate lives until the day you were ready to accept me back into your life. There was_ so much perfection in your smile_ that I was jolted out of my gloomy state. _The amazing feeling of belonging to you _silenced the question I yearned to ask. _So sweet the taste of your lips_ that I forgot the bitterness of your rejection.

_If only you knew that you were already perfection to my eyes_, but then you did, didn't you ? That's how you led me on a merry chase. Sex was your weapon, the love I felt for you was your army on a war for supremacy. Oh, you won beautifully, for I was always left _burning for your vibrant colours_... I was so enchanted by you that I failed to communicate the things I needed by putting aside my sense of self on an effort to please you. You were my master and I was your servant, for you only loved me when I indulged your every whim.

_It wasn't right how my heart faltered at the sight of you_, how your wish was my command. Distance gave me a little perspective and I found myself dealing with _unwanted feelings of rising desire_. Unlike you, I didn't feel comfortable with having my heart pulled in opposite directions. I felt low, like a traitor... all the things you should have felt during the Emmett debacle, but never did. I lusted for James, but there was _some tenderness as well_. _A healthy dose of respect and admiration_ joined the mix adding to my confusion.

A whole new path was opened before me. Loving James would have been so easy... between us there wasn't the pain of betrayal or the knowledge that he would never be completely mine. His love for me shone in his every word, his every action. I felt hope for the future... _and a hint of sadness for what could never be_. Why did you have to own me so completely? So irrevocably? _Too much to feel, to little to do..._ I was determined to keep my distance from him. But a shock of awareness coursed through me when I felt the warmth of his body against mine, in_ that moment there was no you, only him_. I was _so unaware of my own weakness_... I felt like such a fraud for almost taking a lover.

So many things you never knew... You never knew how much it hurt me to leave James behind. You never knew how much I sacrificed to be with you. You always assumed you were the victim, the wronged party, because it's so easy for you to hide beneath the cloak of sensitivity. You made mistakes too and most of my mistakes can be traced back to your indifference to your wicked nature. Still, I have always been the one who said I'm sorry... but you never did, did you? My forgiveness has always been your due.

I _so dreaded a confrontation_ about my feeling for James, but I was determined to be honest with you. However, once again, _our lives changed by the kindness of your heart... _Why did you have to help Courtenay?Oh, _so inconsequent the actions of the brave..._ or should I simply call you stupid for not taking our security more seriously? Didn't you worry about how it could shed light on the nature of our relationship?

And why didn't you pay attention to the hearts you bruised along the way? Why was your heart so flighty, your affection so easily given and so easily denied? The girl loved you... Even though enraged by her actions I could appreciate the desperate measures that unrequited love seems to elicit. _So bitter the heart of the rejected_, so blind to the futility of trying to be noticed...

The shock of having you yanked away from my arms... Words cannot describe that kind of pain. Not even being deserted by you hurt as much as the prospect of having to exist in a world where you no longer lived. _So fearful the mind of the guilty_... You were so ready to embrace your death, to admit defeat. It scared me, it jolted me into action. It was my darkest hour and help came from unexpected quarters.

_So strong the heart of the loving_... able to overcome a life of inured prejudice. My father looked at me _and in his eyes the answer shined through._ It was _all a game for the dispassionate_ authorities, one that my father had mastered decades before. Though _depending upon the judgement of a questionable man_, we were eventually _saved by the love I had never believed in_.

Behind the scenes a much darker force had plotted the demise of our love. Bemused by the _unknown reasons for inexplicable actions_ I confronted the master puppeteer and was hit by _the pain of the betrayed_. The man I had once loved and respected as my dearest friend, was overcome by _the driving force of anger_, unleashing upon me _the chilling power of hate_. _Madness brimming on his eyes_, _the gates of hell opened and trapped me inside_.

That day I sealed our fate by sacrificing my honour to gain your freedom. My marriage to Isabella was arranged as a trade: the servant girl for the protection of my name. Back then, I never intended to uphold my promise... I was ready to face dishonour if only I could keep you with me. I committed _one more sin before the end_ by delivering the ultimate punishment to the weakest villain around us, the only one I could touch.

_Tainted, I went to you_, but I couldn't bring myself to relate the villainy of the people who had conspired against you. So, you kept on _living on the illusion of safety_. But your eyes were already opened to _the colourless vision of adulthood _and because _paradise was never ours to take _we had to learn how to deal with _so many broken dreams._ We realized that _never daring to reach for the stars_ was the only way to survive amongst our peers.

Allowing ourselves _one more dream before reality_ we said goodbye to each other and started to lead separate lives. Looking back, I can appreciate the wisdom of your protests for more circumspect behaviour. However, I was so hurt by your words, especially after everything I had done for you that I never stopped to consider how you truly felt about letting me go. Were you happy to be free to visit other men's beds? Did you ever miss me at all?

Absorbed by our relationship problems I was crushed by _the loss of the forgotten_ father who had proved his love for me on the most devastating, undeniable way. The comfort I needed from you never came. Where were you? When you felt the pain of losing your parents I was there for you, every step of the way... but you weren't there for me. You failed me, disappointed me, hurt me... Though _offering a poor substitute_ the arms of my mistress were the only available source of affection for my needy self. Can you blame me for taking from her what you didn't bother to offer me?

As always, I was _sadly missing_ your presence. Though hurt, betrayed and bitter, I was still receptive to your attentions. _Feigning the normalcy of the insane_, I took you to my bed and into my heart. No apologies were made, but I needed you too much to demand an explanation. Our assignments were few and far in between and I couldn't help but be overjoyed by the fact that you still came to me. But the light of dawn always stole my lover... My only thought "a_nd like that, he is gone_, like someone who was never here".

No decisions come without a price, my love. _I thought I could survive the fee_, but I missed the bigger picture. By acceding to your voiced wishes I betrayed the yearnings of your heart. In hindsight that's as clear as day, but how was I to know the extent of your deceit? You deceived yourself into believing that you could live with the duality of truths untold. And by doing so, you had me believing that I could survive the burden of destroying an innocent woman.

The _painful choices leading to destruction _of love, rest upon my shoulder. But how can I be blamed when I was blindsided by your lies? By my own need to be enjoy a female body? By so many variants that came into play only later on? I was defeated by the _powerful players entering the battlefield_: the promise of honour and continuance of our love affair. The betrothal contract was the instrument of so many lives destruction...

I had made my peace with you and the future betrayal of my wife. They were _truces made over the tears of others_, for they were bound to bruise the hearts of everyone around me, including my own. You never knew, my love, how I never meant to marry her, not until you told me that one day I would have to take a wife. You made the choice and then punished me for doing exactly as you said. Do you perceive how unfair that was?

I realize that I should have fought harder for you, for us... but between us stood _the unsaid raising a barrier that shouldn't be there_... Oh, _the ominous flaws of the frightened_ perpetuated the sin of silence and isolation. Our _unvoiced insecurities turned to abysms_ of repressed anger that not even _the bliss of love healed _could completely erase.

The years preceding my marriage were spent in a tentative peace, barely maintained by denial of our relationship's impending doom. Yes, I could feel the coldness seeping into your heart and the distaste you had for my bride. Consumed by _the beauty of desire, the perfection of love_ we never truly prepared ourselves to the future and to _the strength of love about to be tested_ by my infatuation with my bride to be. _And everything changed before your perceptive eyes_, but as usual you failed to inform me.

Yes, I was in love with her, just like you had been in love with Emmett. I never held it against you, why couldn't you have returned the favour? We could have been happy, all of us... you, me, Isabella. Had you stayed I could have loved her forever... I could have loved you forever... I could have had enough love to spare a kind word to my daughter... I wouldn't have become the monster I am.

However, _the paths of destiny were erased_ by your hasty actions, _devastating futures_ of innocent victims of your stupidity and my inability to deny you – everything you wanted, you got it. Yes, it was you who started the chain of events which culminated in my marriage. You wanted that. Why, why punish me for complying with your wishes? Because I cared for her? Were you acting out of jealousy? Or did you just want out of the mess we had created?

_Loving was not enough_, not for you... You had to have everything your own way. Because I dared to defy you wishes by actually caring about my bride, you saw fit to punish me in the cruellest way. _Lost to me by your own will_, you knew that I could never manage to find happiness with her... I came do resent her, did you know that? Was that your plan all along? You destroyed me, Isabella... and my poor little child, the one who would have never known love had it not been for Isabella's generous heart.

Yet, I survived on the hope of your return. _But the true finale was yet to come_... You couldn't allow me to hold on to a shred of dignity, could you? You had to come back and deliver the final blow to my almost nonexistent soul... But despite everything, all the bitterness, the lingering doubts, the resentment... _Edward, I miss you_... the you, you used to be... the you who loved me...

And that night you stood there looking at me with your beautiful, soulful eyes... and you were _no longer mine, but so heartbreakingly you_. Knowing the extent of your devotion to your current lover _was a nightmare within a nightmare_, but as usual, I could deny you nothing. Giving you the closure you so obviously needed, our _bittersweet reunion_ was a silent acceptance of the fate I could no longer avoid. Abandoned by everyone I loved, the love I tried to pour into our dance was _a song to say goodbye_ – my heart's last lament to your mended soul.

Soon, I will be confined to _the shrine of the deceased_ but that's where I want to be. A life without love is a life without meaning, and your return extinguished all hope. This letter isn't an attempt to reach out from the grave and poison your life with guilt, for I forgave your sins even though my own are unforgivable. This is an epistle of love and loss – an emotional outburst of repressed love and unbearable longing.

Like a ray of light you blinded my vision. On my heart and mind it has always been you. Love of my life, master of my soul, I could have continued living if the illusion of your return had not been shattered in that ballroom. But now it is too late to forget the sight of you loving another. I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused you. My last gift to you is our story, told through my eyes, so you can see how loved you were, even if I failed to show it properly. Feel no guilt, for it was my choice. Do not waste yourself on impossible possibilities. Be happy, for me, for you... For all we could have been.

Until we meet again.

Love, Jasper."

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><p><strong>AN: <strong>Jasper's relationship with Isabella is further explored in _The Unbearable Weight of Truths Untold_.

This is it... no more Outtakes. This story is my pride and joy - I hope you loved it as much as I do.

**Thanks for reading and Happy New Year!**


	216. Outtake - Love in Exile

**AN: Edward's untold story from chapter's 67-80. Originally offered as a gift for reviewers.**

* * *

><p><em>"<em>_I know how men in exile feed on dreams". Aeschylus_

Another day spent in quiet isolation and desolate contemplation. In retrospect, Edward could see the error of his ways, how he had been duped into betraying his only love. However, regret could not erase his actions, for no matter the reasons, it had been his choice.

From rising star to a grim recluse, Edward's descent into the pits of self imposed hell was a much merited punishment for his obtuse behaviour. Or so he thought. Relishing his new status as an outcast, his only companions were books and memories of happier times.

He dared not touch another human being, male or female, embracing celibacy as the only saving grace capable of leading his way back to Jasper. So he was content to live a half life, knowing only the relief of his own touch, yearning for his lost love, sobbing Jasper's name after the deed was done.

And the day he heard of Jasper's affiliation with Lord Cullen, he knew that silence would have to be broken. Having failed the first attempt to approach Jasper on the brothel, Edward tried the opera.

The aftermath of that encounter left Edward feeling that his love was a disease consuming everything in its awake, an incurable one.

_"There is no remedy for love but to love more". Henry David Thoreau. _


	217. Some Brief Historical Notes

Strictly speaking the Regency era corresponds to the period between 1811-1820, when King George III was deemed unfit to rule, leaving England in the hands of the Prince of Wales.

Nevertheless, when it comes down to society, arts, morality, architecture, fashion, politics and culture, the term Regency comprises a more extended period, from 1795 to 1837.

Another important aspect is the law's point of view concerning sexual behaviour. Sodomy (or buggery) was a felony punished even by death (from 1533 until 1828, when the maximum penalty changed to imprisonment).

Within the strict Regency period (1811-1820) there was a renewed effort to free society from such evil (note the sarcasm). According to a House of Commons report published in 1819, there were 28 executions for sodomy from 1805 to 1818.

Nobody was safe, at any moment a man could be denounced for sodomy. Public shame, humiliation, death followed.

That's the historical context of this tale.


	218. Timeline

**The first meeting:**

1799 - Jasper is thirteen, Edward eleven

**Eton:**

Eton - Jasper's Eton Admission – Summer Half, 1799

Edward's Eton Admission – Michaelmas Half, 1801 (So the end of his first year would be Michaelmas, 1802)

Eton's long leave in Chapter 37 – Summer, 1802

Chapter 51 reaches the end of Edward's first year at Eton, also in 1802.

Note: Normally, admission day is the first Wednesday of the Michaelmas Half, remembering that with enought patronage any exception is possible, therefore Jasper's untimely admition.

**The separation:**

January 1803

**The Opera meeting:**

July 1804

**The war:**

Jasper's departure: 1804

Jasper's return: 1810

**Edward's parent's death:**

1810

**Emmett's death:**

7 March 1811 (when the real convicteds of White Swan raid where executed)

**Edward's arrest:**

1811

**Bella's birth:**

May 1800

**Jacob's birth:**

April 1805

**Lord Cullen takes Jacob away from Tanya:**

1807, Jacob is almost two

**Lord Cullen's death:**

1813

**Jasper's 30th birthday:**

April 1816

**Bella and Edward's first meeting:**

May 1819

**Edward's departure:**

September 1819

**Edward's return:**

June 1829


End file.
